It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting

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"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined."
Samuel Goldwyn sid375

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles


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"A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy."
Joan Rivers. sid375

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong



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"She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon."
Groucho Marx. sid375

At least half the mystery novels published violate the law that the solution, once revealed, must seem to be inevitable.



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It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.


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"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
Steve Martin.

When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.



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It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it


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"No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish."
Kin Hubbard. sid375

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
Steve Martin

Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public.


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"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down."
Dick Sharples sid375

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


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"A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience."
Merv Stockwood. sid375

In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.



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I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton. sid375

The future is much like the present, only longer.


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"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary. sid375

I say beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes



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"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde. sid375

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.


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"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx. sid375

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.



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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign). sid375

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.


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"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
Humprey Bogart.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.


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"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Joe E Lewis. sid375

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you


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"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemmingway. sid375

"He was a wise man who invented beer."
Plato. sid375

12 30 hours to go :) sid375

The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.


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"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde. sid375

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.


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You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
Mark Twain. sid375

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul

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"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
Catherine Zandonella sid375

Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.


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The world is governed more by appearances than realities, so that it is fully as necessary to seem to know something as to know it.


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"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
David Daye. sid375

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.


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1. Never tell everything at once.


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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman. sid375

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin. sid375

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry sid375