The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
Denis Leary. sid375

Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears

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"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
George best sid375

It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree

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"I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."
Bill Hicks. sid375

"I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping."
Mark Twain. sid375

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank

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"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others."
Diogenes. sid375

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better




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"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."
WC Fields. sid375

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks

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I am taking a break at 500 :glugglug sid375

America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
Dean Martin. sid375

We do what we must, and call it by the best names

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"The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings."
Arthur Lewis. sid375

One of the indictments of civilizations is that happiness and intelligence are so rarely found in the same person.


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"A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle."
Jonathan Swift. sid375

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.


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"The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."
Homer Simpson. sid375

Hehehe... good to see your still going strong... keep it up:Graucho

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary sid375

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.


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"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde. sid375

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx. sid375

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking

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"The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable."
Oscar Wilde ('A Woman of No Importance' 1893). sid375

You're never too old to become younger.


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"She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech."
George Barnard Shaw sid375

Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can?t be taken on its own merits.


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"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault."
Henry Kissinger. sid375

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.


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"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
Dave Barry sid375

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens

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You can observe a lot just by watching.


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"Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything."
Herb Caen. sid375

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.


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"The cocktail party is a device for paying off obligations to people you don't want to invite for dinner."
Charles Smith. sid375

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.


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"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."
Oscar Wilde ('Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892). sid375

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.


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"As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn't become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him."
Oscar Wilde sid375

In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.


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"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."
Voltaire. sid375

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.


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"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."
Dave Barry. sid375

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.

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"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx. sid375

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
Steven Wright. sid375