Joke Competition - Win 50 Banners!

[BlueDesignStudios]

Only one week remaining in the Blue Design Studios Buy 2 tours, get 1 Free June special!
When purchasing the Buy 2 tours, get 1 Free June special! deal, mention you discovered us via GFY and receive a further 10 banners free!

So to kick off the last week of our june special we are running a joke competition.

Entry is simple - post your joke within the next 24 hours - and the one that provides the most laughs wins 50 Banners!

You can also assist in the judging by posting & voting for the joke that you think is funniest!

Just to get the ball rolling.. here's my joke.. its pretty lame, but if you can't beat it, you don't win the prize :


This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother."

[Spunky]

good one.

[IntenseCash]

Here is mine:

<u>Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12</u>

A man walks into a drug store with his 13 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

[MattO]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

[ausboy]

An American, a Brit and an Aussie are having a few beers and arguing over who had the best memory.
"Well, I can remember seeing my parents house as they brought me home from the hospital!" the American exclaimed proudly.
The Brit takes a swig of his beer, "I can remember the doc slapping me on the arse moments after I was born"
The Aussie orders another round of beers for his mates, turns and says "I remember going to a nightclub with me dad, and going home with me mum"

[Reak]

Picture perfect

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

[Tala]

Originally posted by MattO
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

[SpaceAce]

Here's a long one:


As a man was reading the newspaper, he came across an ad which claimed he could lose five, twenty or even fifty pounds for only $10 per pound. The man was skeptical but he was desperate to slim down and decided to give it a shot, so he calls the number listed in the advertisement and tells them he wants to lose five pounds.

The next morning at 9 AM the man's doorbell rings and he answers it to find a smallish man in a business suit and a beautiful redhead in a tight shorts and a halter top. Immediately, he becomes aroused because this woman is hot with large, firm breasts and a tight tummy. The man in the suit says, "Sir, this is Renee and she is your weight loss counselor. The program is simple: if you catch her, you can fuck her." The man in the suit turns and walks away. As soon as he is out of sight, Renee rips off her clothes and takes off into the house. The overweight man slams the door and begins to chase Renee. Well, it takes him a good hour to catch her and when he does he throws her down on the couch and they have insane animalistic sex all morning. As they are laying there panting, the man suddenly remembers that he was supposed to have lost five pounds, so he leaps up and runs into the bathroom to use his scale. Sure enough, he has lost exactly five pounds. The man is ecstatic and as soon as Renee has left, he calls the company again and tells them he wants to lose twenty more pounds.

The next morning at precisely 9 AM, his doorbell rings and he opens it to find the same short man in the business suit, this time accompanied by the sexiest and most desirable woman he has ever seen. Her face was perfect, with enormous blue eyes, high cheekbones and a lovely button nose. Her hair was long and blonde, shimmering in the morning sunlight and her body put her face and hair to shame. Every inch of her was tight and hard, from her flat stomach to her amazing dancer's legs. She had a huge chest and the best ass the man had ever seen. After five seconds of looking at this woman, the man already had a raging hardon. The gentleman in the suit said, "Sir, this is Lisa and if you catch her you can fuck her." The man in the suit then turns and leaves.

Lisa rips off the skimpy lingerie she is wearing and the chase is on. The man chases her upstairs, downstairs and all around his house. The chase goes on for hours and it is early afternoon before the man finally catches Lisa. When he does get his hands on her, he takes her right there on the floor of his kitchen. They do it on all the furniture in every imaginable position and it is late afternoon before they finish. Immediately, the man staggers into his bathroom and gets on his scale. Exactly twenty pounds lost!

The man decides to go for the gold and lose the last 50 pounds he's been wanting to get rid of. He makes the phone call and is given his usual 9 AM appointment.

The next morning, the man in the suit arrives on the doorstep. This time, however, he is accompanied by an enormous, smelly gorilla. The animal is huge and disgusting with matted fur and a foul odor. The fat man opens the door and demands, "What the hell is this?" The man in the suit replies, "Sir, this is Bobo and if he catches you he's going to fuck you."

SpaceAce

[BlueDesignStudios]

Originally posted by Reak
Picture perfect

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

Hahaha - short & sweet

[SpaceAce]

Here's a short one:

A man with a frog on his head walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "What the hell is that?"

"Well," the frog replied, "it started out as a bump on my ass..."

SpaceAce

[BlueDesignStudios]

Hahaha nice one SpaceAce!

I never knew I was in for so much reading

[SpaceAce]

Here's one someone told me a couple of days ago.



You know how Liberace died?





















Botulism. Bad meat in the can.

SpaceAce

[Tala]

Originally posted by SpaceAce
Here's one someone told me a couple of days ago.



You know how Liberace died?





















Botulism. Bad meat in the can.

SpaceAce

okay, that was bad. Very bad.

[Tala]

Originally posted by Tala
okay, that was bad. Very bad.

But not as bad as this one.


A kid walked in the bathroom just as his mom was getting out of the shower. He asks, "what are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer she told him to leave so she could get dressed.

The next day the boy went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" Dad replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven.

A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son runs out and screams "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying"

The father ask "what are you talking about?"

"Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling 'Oh God I'm coming'"

[Why]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[bugout]

posted it before.. but what the hell...

There's a guy walking along the beach meditating. Suddenly he yells out, "God just give me one wish, that's is all that I ask."

Immediately a booming voice comes out of the heavens, and says, "Ok son, you have earned it. What would you like?" The guy says, I'd like you to build me a bridge to all the way to Hawaii. I love Hawaii, and that way I could go visit anytime I wanted. God says, "I can do this, but that would take a tremondous amount of infrastructure and isn't that sort of materialistic? Try and think something a little more simple and yet still honors me."

The guy thinks a long time and says, "Ok, that beautiful creation of yours, the woman, I want to understand her. I want to know what it means when she gives me the silent treatment, what she is thinking, why she changes her mind all the time. I want to understand a woman."

God says, "Would you like two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"


Bugout

[BabeHunter]

The Pope was visiting the U.S.
when he and his driver were going down the road the pope said: i never get to drive anymore...let me do it...so he started to drive...50miles/h 60miles/h 100miles/h
he was going way to fast and a police officer stopped him...the police officer called up his Sergeant and told him that he stopped some 1 importent...

Sergeant : who did you stop the mayor?

Cop: no, some 1 more importnet

Sergeant : the Governor?

Cop: more importnet

Sergeant : More importnet? i can't belive it, did you stop the President?

Cop: no, no, no , more importnet

Sergeant : now you are pissing me off, who the fuck is more importnet then the President?

Cop: i don't know who this guy is, but the pope is his driver

[volante]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bulldog ona leash. Behind him was a queue of about 200 men or more walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. So he respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow your dog?"

"Join the queue."

[BigFrog]

ok, this is a favorite joke of one of my friends....it's pretty good

a guy walks into the kitchen and tells his wife they are going hunting.
his wife says she doesn't want to go hunting, so the guy says I'll give ya 3 choices...
a) you can come hunting
b) you can suck my dick
or
c) I can fuck you in the ass
the wife thinks for a second and says she will suck his dick, so she gets on her knees and takes his cock in her mouth and then quickly moves away and spits on the floor saying "that tastes like shit!"
the guy replies "yeah, the dog didn't want to go either"

[chodadog]

Three men were wandering through the desert aimlessly. Dying of a combination of thirst and starvation. Suddenly, they see a castle, and they run towards it.

The master and all of his men are not at the castle, but there are hordes of beautiful willing women. So, over the next week or so, the men eat like kings while having all the sex they want.

Eventually, the master and all his men arrive back. And he's pissed! These mofo's have been fuckin' his women and eating his food. So his men catch them and line them up against the wall.

He walks to the first man. "What is your occupation?"

The man replies, "Fireman"

"BURN HIS PENIS OFF," yells the king.

He walks to the second man, and asks the same question.

The second man replies nervously, "A... p.p..p.pp...policeman"

"SHOOT HIS PENIS OFF!"

The, he asks the third man the same question, and with a great big smile on his face, he replies,

"I'm a lollipop salesman"

[RedShoe]

Originally posted by SpaceAce
Here's a long one:


As a man was reading the newspaper, he came across an ad which claimed he could lose five, twenty or even fifty pounds for only $10 per pound. The man was skeptical but he was desperate to slim down and decided to give it a shot, so he calls the number listed in the advertisement and tells them he wants to lose five pounds.

The next morning at 9 AM the man's doorbell rings and he answers it to find a smallish man in a business suit and a beautiful redhead in a tight shorts and a halter top. Immediately, he becomes aroused because this woman is hot with large, firm breasts and a tight tummy. The man in the suit says, "Sir, this is Renee and she is your weight loss counselor. The program is simple: if you catch her, you can fuck her." The man in the suit turns and walks away. As soon as he is out of sight, Renee rips off her clothes and takes off into the house. The overweight man slams the door and begins to chase Renee. Well, it takes him a good hour to catch her and when he does he throws her down on the couch and they have insane animalistic sex all morning. As they are laying there panting, the man suddenly remembers that he was supposed to have lost five pounds, so he leaps up and runs into the bathroom to use his scale. Sure enough, he has lost exactly five pounds. The man is ecstatic and as soon as Renee has left, he calls the company again and tells them he wants to lose twenty more pounds.

The next morning at precisely 9 AM, his doorbell rings and he opens it to find the same short man in the business suit, this time accompanied by the sexiest and most desirable woman he has ever seen. Her face was perfect, with enormous blue eyes, high cheekbones and a lovely button nose. Her hair was long and blonde, shimmering in the morning sunlight and her body put her face and hair to shame. Every inch of her was tight and hard, from her flat stomach to her amazing dancer's legs. She had a huge chest and the best ass the man had ever seen. After five seconds of looking at this woman, the man already had a raging hardon. The gentleman in the suit said, "Sir, this is Lisa and if you catch her you can fuck her." The man in the suit then turns and leaves.

Lisa rips off the skimpy lingerie she is wearing and the chase is on. The man chases her upstairs, downstairs and all around his house. The chase goes on for hours and it is early afternoon before the man finally catches Lisa. When he does get his hands on her, he takes her right there on the floor of his kitchen. They do it on all the furniture in every imaginable position and it is late afternoon before they finish. Immediately, the man staggers into his bathroom and gets on his scale. Exactly twenty pounds lost!

The man decides to go for the gold and lose the last 50 pounds he's been wanting to get rid of. He makes the phone call and is given his usual 9 AM appointment.

The next morning, the man in the suit arrives on the doorstep. This time, however, he is accompanied by an enormous, smelly gorilla. The animal is huge and disgusting with matted fur and a foul odor. The fat man opens the door and demands, "What the hell is this?" The man in the suit replies, "Sir, this is Bobo and if he catches you he's going to fuck you."

SpaceAce

your joke is a joke.

[Tala]

Originally posted by volante
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bulldog ona leash. Behind him was a queue of about 200 men or more walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. So he respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow your dog?"

"Join the queue."

[Gunni]

Psychology Class


The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[Gunni]

Doggy Style


Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked one.
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

[[Labret]]

Whats blue and hangs in my front yard?
My ****** I can paint him whatever color I want.


What's the difference between a ****** and a snow tire?
A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.


How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don't work in the future, either.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead ****** in the road?
The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black.

[Gunni]

Mickey Mouse Wants A Divorce


Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fucking Goofy!

[MandyD]

A CNN reporter went to Israel to cover the fighting. She was looking
for something emotional and positive and of human interest.
Something like the man in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem she heard about an old Jew whos's been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everday, for a long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watches him pray
and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 Years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs; for all the hatred to
stop; for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

[saltricter]

Here's a few good ones.

What's the difference between a faggot and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out of it!

Why do gay guys wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.

[WolfPack]

Here is mine...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk...
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker ! room are looking at him in
astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[BlueDesignStudios]

LOL got some pretty damn funny ones so far!

[Big Nath]

Originally posted by Why
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

holy shit..

bahahaha

that one should win !!!

[Naughty]

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.

She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."

[maxjohan]

The Young Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had
done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a
sip." So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ass.



6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.



7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.


8. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of
him.


9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.



10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he
said, " Take this and eat it for it is my body."
He did not say, "Eat me!"


12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the
cherry."


13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.


14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest
at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at
St. Taffy's.

[Naughty]

A long, old, but nice one for the ladies ......


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

[Naughty]

And my last one, the one that made me think of my old pretty teacher back in the days ....


A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

[BlueDesignStudios]

I like your jokes a lot, Naughty & maxjohan!

[VideoVoyeur]

>COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>
> A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the
> man
> opposite her was smiling at her.
>
> She immediately moved to another seat.
>
> This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The
> man seemed more amused.
>
> When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
> complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>
>
> The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
> years old) what he had to say for himself.
>
> The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the
> lady got on
> the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
> under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming"
> and I grinned.
>
> Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's
> Liniment will reduce the swelling",and I had to smile.
>
>
> Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big
> Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
>
> BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
> under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could
> have prevented this Accident".....I just lost it.
>
>
>
>
> "CASE DISMISSED!!"
>

[VideoVoyeur]

>Are u in Management ?

> > > >Lesson 1
> >A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing all day you must be sitting very, very high up.
> > > >Lesson 2
> >A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" asked the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." So the turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after eating all the dung, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
> > > >Lesson 3
> >When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "we should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him where he's going." The hands said, " we should be boss because will do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet wobbled, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain throbbed. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out shit!












Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be the boss - any asshole will do

[VideoVoyeur]

> Seven degrees of blonde..

. > > First Degree:
>A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning.
The >wife, a blonde, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should >I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The
husband said, "Who was >that?" The wife said,"I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast >is clear."
> Second Degree:
>Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
>sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and >says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let >me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in >the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
> Third Degree:
>A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheatin on her, so she goes out and
buys >a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door >she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
really angry. >She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
so, she is overcome >with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her
head. The boyfriend yells, >No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde
replies, "Shut up, you're next!
" > Fourth Degree:
>A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitols. She
proudly >says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. A friend says,
"OK, what's the >capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy, 'W'."
> Fifth Degree:
>What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it >mine?"
> Sixth Degree:
>Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
>Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe
vs.Wade was >about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That
was the decision >George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware."
> Seventh Degree:
>Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As
the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

[VideoVoyeur]

Okay Im done, hope they were funny

[Naughty]

Originally posted by BlueDesignStudios
I like your jokes a lot, Naughty & maxjohan!

If I win, I'll share my banners with a runner up

[RedShoe]

oldie but a goodie...



Creation of a Pussy:
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a hahahaha.

[VideoVoyeur]

> > Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night in a hotel
> > room.
> >
> > Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie. The first thing
> > Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
> >
> > Donald frowned and said "No."
> >
> > Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have
> > sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
> >
> > So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel
> > clerk if they had condoms.
> >
> > "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from
> > under the counter and gave it to Donald.
> >
> > The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your
> > bill?"
> >
> > "No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think
> > I am?

[croif]

Here is mine:
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He
reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon
hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between
40 and 41 degree
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude.

""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help
at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in
Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are
or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep,
and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."

[advertiser]

the teacher asks rebecca to make a sentence with the word influenca in it.
Rebecca says I had the flue and mommy said it was influenca.
The teacher says very good rebecca.
Little johny is up the back of class fucking around so the teacher asks Johnny make a sentence with the word contagious in it.
Johhny said dad and i went to the football and on the way home a box of oranges feel of the back of the truck and hit the road.
Dad said it will take that c-u-n-t-ages to pick them up.

little johnie saw his mum in the shower and was so currious he asked his dad "whats that big gap inbetwwen mums legs?"
Dad replied thats where i hit her with the axe.
Johnny replied good shot dad right in the c-u-n-t.

[cool1]

"Two Adult Webmasters are out in the woods hunting when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?'"

[Jakke PNG]

Originally posted by [Labret]
Whats blue and hangs in my front yard?
My ****** I can paint him whatever color I want.

damn.

[volante]

Officially the world's funniest joke:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do??

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ?Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.?

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: ?OK, now what?"

Funniest joke by country:

Top joke in UK:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ?That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!? The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ?The driver just insulted me!? The man says: ?You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.?

Top joke in USA:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ?Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.? The man then replies: ?Yeah, well we were married 35 years.?

Top joke in Canada:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia:

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: ?Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!??
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: ?Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....?

Top joke in Belgium:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ?That's not it? and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ?That's it.?

[Jakke PNG]

Three mice were in a pub and all were quite pissed. They started to compete on who was the toughest. The first mice said "When I'm looking for exercise, I go find mousetraps so I can practice bench-press." The second one laughed and said "That's childs play! I like to eat rat poison just to get a bit dizzy." The third one finished his drink and said "I don't have time for this bullshit, I have to go home and fuck the cat".

[BlueDesignStudios]

croif not bad, made me laugh