Fuck you if you can't take a joke - Page 2 - GoFuckYourself.com

C_U_Next_Tuesday · 07-23-2004, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
Four friends reunited at a party after thirty years. After a few laughs
and drinks, one of them left to visit the rest room. The others began to
talk about their kids and their successes.

The first man said, "I am really proud of my son; he is my pride and
joy. He started working at the bottom of a very successful company. He
studied economics and business administration, and he was soon promoted
and began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the general manager.
Now he is the president of the company. He is so rich that he could
afford to give his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz for his
birthday."

The second man said, "Wow, that's terrific! My son also is my pride and
joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a
big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed
to become a partner in the company where he now owns a majority of the
assets. He became so rich that he recently gave his best friend a brand
new jet for his birthday."

The third man said, "Well, well, congratulations! My son is also my
pride and the apple of my eye and he is also wealthy. He studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. He started his own
construction company and became quite successful and a multimillionaire.
He too gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend
for his birthday -- he gave him a 30,000 sq ft mansion built especially
for his friend."

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of
their sons. The fourth friend who had gone to the restroom returned and
asked, "What is going on -- what are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three explained, "We were talking about the mutual pride we
feel for the successes of our sons." And then he asked, "What about your
son?"

The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and he makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends commiserated, "What a shame -- that must
be horrible for you. What disappointment you must feel."

The fourth man replied, "Oh no, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my
son and I love him well. He is my pride and joy, and he is very
fortunate, too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other
day he received a brand new jet, a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, and a
top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends."

muhahahaaa

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 08:22 AM

A teacher in London asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a sentence.

Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his
pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little
Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My cousin Petra has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 08:26 AM

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that
an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no
other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the patio. The
neighbor's Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK
OFF!", the dog ate him!"

They should make a little Johnny movie. :D

Manowar · 07-23-2004, 08:35 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat
around the bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40
peanuts, 1/2 box of Raisin Bran, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

harsh but funny.

Anna_O · 07-23-2004, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining
to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will it take? " she asks.
They'll grow larger over a period of years" he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts over years will make them grow bigger"?

Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"

One of the best jokes I've ever heard

Marcus Aurelius · 07-23-2004, 08:42 AM

heh...pretty good.

Manowar · 07-23-2004, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What the hell is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 08:58 AM

Thought for the day:

You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 09:02 AM

Things I think about sometimes.....

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool. who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Always get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a Camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Manowar · 07-23-2004, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
My fellow Canuckleheads might appreciate this one....

BROKEN SNOWMOBILE

An Eskimo brought his snowmobile in for servicing. He told the mechanic that it wasn't running right. The mechanic took a look at the snowmobile , turned to the Eskimo and said, "It doesn't look too bad, but I think you've blown a seal."

... The Eskimo looks puzzled for a minute, wipes off his face and says, "Nah...its just some ice in my mustache..."

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 09:17 AM

A catholic priest and nun were out having a round of golf. The priest
stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely
and said, "Shit, I missed."

Sister Marie told him to watch his language.

At the next tee he missed again, "Shit, I missed"

"Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing"

The priest promises to do better.

At the next tee he misses again, and the usual reply, "Shit, I missed"

Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike
you dead if you keep swearing like that"

At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed"

Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lightning which strikes Sister
Marie dead in her tracks.

Then the sky opens up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed!"

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 09:37 AM

QUOTES:

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."-- Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack
Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."--
Roseanne

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in
front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
course, men are just grateful."--Robert De Niro

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

sweetsally · 07-23-2004, 09:39 AM

haha...good stuff

sexxxychat69 · 07-23-2004, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat
around the bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40
peanuts, 1/2 box of Raisin Bran, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

BradM · 07-23-2004, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
My fellow Canuckleheads might appreciate this one....

BROKEN SNOWMOBILE

An Eskimo brought his snowmobile in for servicing. He told the mechanic that it wasn't running right. The mechanic took a look at the snowmobile , turned to the Eskimo and said, "It doesn't look too bad, but I think you've blown a seal."

... The Eskimo looks puzzled for a minute, wipes off his face and says, "Nah...its just some ice in my mustache..."

OMG HAHAHAHAHA LOLLLL

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 09:43 AM

PENIS WORK

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his badly damaged penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer park. A gorgeous babe with big tits lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had an interesting habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy.

So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."

"And then?" said the doctor.

"That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

HammerALL · 07-23-2004, 09:49 AM

Liquor Labels
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are > whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in your getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of >inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion >that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think >>people are laughing WITH you
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy

HammerALL · 07-23-2004, 09:51 AM

?« DATE RAPE DRUG TARGETS MALES (URP) Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

HammerALL · 07-23-2004, 09:52 AM

PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE ACCORDING TO GEORGE COSTANZA FROM SEINFIELD: "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, go collect all your super, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,you spend your last nine months floating with luxuries like central heating,spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm! > Amen."

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 10:13 AM

WIERD NEWS

Arkansas: Two men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip.

On an overcast night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree.

Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cannot believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia!)

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 10:32 AM

Little Johnny is dressed up in his cowboy outfit, and walks into a ice cream shop. Behind the counter was this tall, good-looking, well-endowed female employee.

Little Johnny walked up to the counter, and said "give me an ice cream sundae"
She said ok.

She asked if he wanted vanilla ice cream. He pulled his six-shooters out and stated "you're damn right" and puts them back in the holsters.

Then she asked if he wanted chocolate ice cream. He pulled his guns out and stated "you're damn right".

After putting all the ingredients on the sundae, she asked "Do you want your nuts crushed?"

Little Johnny pulled his guns out and said; "only if you want your tits blown off!"

Denis_SC · 07-23-2004, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat
around the bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40
peanuts, 1/2 box of Raisin Bran, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

Good one !

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 11:20 AM

MORE WEIRD NEWS

Renton, Washington -- A man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

1. The target - was "H&J Leather & Firearms" ... a gun shop.

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car... which was parked at the front door.

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

CDSmith · 07-23-2004, 11:37 AM

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a
super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane
announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make
an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia
pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered,
Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up
when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for,
and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why
I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of
flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused,
Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you
baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the
rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts
-- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to
expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi
-- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your pussy for everyone to
see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first
thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is the black box!"

Syl · 07-23-2004, 12:03 PM

You are the shiznit. Thanks for that!

TheWildcard · 07-23-2004, 12:04 PM

69pornlinks · 07-23-2004, 02:32 PM

lol

if yoo haven't already send these to maxim magazine...or maybe this is where you got them from

07-23-2004, 08:22 AM	#52
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	A teacher in London asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate". Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My cousin Petra has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight." __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 08:26 AM	#53
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the patio. The neighbor's Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!" They should make a little Johnny movie. :D __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 08:58 AM	#58
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	Thought for the day: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 09:02 AM	#59
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	Things I think about sometimes..... I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool. who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Always get the last word in: Apologize. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a Camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 09:17 AM	#61
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	A catholic priest and nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next tee he missed again, "Shit, I missed" "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing" The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, and the usual reply, "Shit, I missed" Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that" At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed" Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lightning which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the sky opens up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed!" __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 08:42 AM	#56
Marcus Aurelius No Refunds Issued. Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 14,809	heh...pretty good.

07-23-2004, 09:37 AM	#62
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	QUOTES: "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."-- Sharon Stone "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."-- Robin Williams "Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."-- Roseanne "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."--Robert De Niro "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."-- Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 09:39 AM	#63
sweetsally Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 231	haha...good stuff

07-23-2004, 09:43 AM	#66
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	PENIS WORK A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his badly damaged penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer park. A gorgeous babe with big tits lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had an interesting habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door." "And then?" said the doctor. "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove." __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 09:49 AM	#67
HammerALL Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Toronto Posts: 3,506	Liquor Labels Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are > whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in your getting your ass kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of >inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion >that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think >>people are laughing WITH you WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy __________________ Mario Amaral AKA: Hammerall Affiliate Sales \| Email:[email protected] Skype: Hammerall \| ICQ: 190272140

07-23-2004, 09:51 AM	#68
HammerALL Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Toronto Posts: 3,506	?« DATE RAPE DRUG TARGETS MALES (URP) Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. __________________ Mario Amaral AKA: Hammerall Affiliate Sales \| Email:[email protected] Skype: Hammerall \| ICQ: 190272140

07-23-2004, 09:52 AM	#69
HammerALL Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Toronto Posts: 3,506	PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE ACCORDING TO GEORGE COSTANZA FROM SEINFIELD: "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, go collect all your super, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,you spend your last nine months floating with luxuries like central heating,spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm! > Amen." __________________ Mario Amaral AKA: Hammerall Affiliate Sales \| Email:[email protected] Skype: Hammerall \| ICQ: 190272140

07-23-2004, 10:13 AM	#70
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	WIERD NEWS Arkansas: Two men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cannot believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia!) __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 10:32 AM	#71
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	Little Johnny is dressed up in his cowboy outfit, and walks into a ice cream shop. Behind the counter was this tall, good-looking, well-endowed female employee. Little Johnny walked up to the counter, and said "give me an ice cream sundae" She said ok. She asked if he wanted vanilla ice cream. He pulled his six-shooters out and stated "you're damn right" and puts them back in the holsters. Then she asked if he wanted chocolate ice cream. He pulled his guns out and stated "you're damn right". After putting all the ingredients on the sundae, she asked "Do you want your nuts crushed?" Little Johnny pulled his guns out and said; "only if you want your tits blown off!" __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 11:20 AM	#73
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	MORE WEIRD NEWS Renton, Washington -- A man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target - was "H&J Leather & Firearms" ... a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car... which was parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 11:37 AM	#74
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!" Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up." Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!" Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your pussy for everyone to see?" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is the black box!" __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-23-2004, 12:03 PM	#75
Syl Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: AZ Posts: 1,953	You are the shiznit. Thanks for that! __________________ Syl ICQ 304 908 973 [email protected]

07-23-2004, 12:04 PM	#76
TheWildcard So Fucking Banned Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 4,759

07-23-2004, 02:32 PM	#77
69pornlinks Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Heranus Posts: 5,560	lol if yoo haven't already send these to maxim magazine...or maybe this is where you got them from __________________ It IS what it IS