Fuck you if you can't take a joke
 

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat
around the bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40
peanuts, 1/2 box of Raisin Bran, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

OMG :1orglaugh ok that was kinda funny :thumbsup

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in
a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he
doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation
has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much
like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way.

So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the
teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer :),
so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was
in definitely"

Booo first one, 2nd one is cute:glugglug

Refer to thread title

A lady found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the
veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears,
and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady
that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the
store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in its ears once a
month.

The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some "Nair."

At the register, the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for
couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Four friends reunited at a party after thirty years. After a few laughs
and drinks, one of them left to visit the rest room. The others began to
talk about their kids and their successes.

The first man said, "I am really proud of my son; he is my pride and
joy. He started working at the bottom of a very successful company. He
studied economics and business administration, and he was soon promoted
and began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the general manager.
Now he is the president of the company. He is so rich that he could
afford to give his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz for his
birthday."

The second man said, "Wow, that's terrific! My son also is my pride and
joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a
big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed
to become a partner in the company where he now owns a majority of the
assets. He became so rich that he recently gave his best friend a brand
new jet for his birthday."

The third man said, "Well, well, congratulations! My son is also my
pride and the apple of my eye and he is also wealthy. He studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. He started his own
construction company and became quite successful and a multimillionaire.
He too gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend
for his birthday -- he gave him a 30,000 sq ft mansion built especially
for his friend."

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of
their sons. The fourth friend who had gone to the restroom returned and
asked, "What is going on -- what are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three explained, "We were talking about the mutual pride we
feel for the successes of our sons." And then he asked, "What about your
son?"

The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and he makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends commiserated, "What a shame -- that must
be horrible for you. What disappointment you must feel."

The fourth man replied, "Oh no, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my
son and I love him well. He is my pride and joy, and he is very
fortunate, too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other
day he received a brand new jet, a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, and a
top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends."








muhahahaaa :thumbsup

I liked the second one most.

:1orglaugh Those were good CD

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name.

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself,"

haha... I laughed out loud :1orglaugh

HAHAHAHAHH ROFL :1orglaugh :1orglaugh !@#@#?

Those are very good :) I'd only heard one of them before!

A guy gets shipwrecked.

When he wakes up, he's on a beach.

The sand is purple. He can't believe it.

The sky is purple.

He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds
and purple fruit on the purple trees.

He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh
little Johnny jokes with pictures :thumbsup cool

LOL, I can take the joke, it just struck me as silly rather than funny:glugglug

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Now that makes me laugh:1orglaugh

Heh heh :glugglug

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde said and hung up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What the hell is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

THE SMARTASS HUSBAND

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He
said, I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.

A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with
matching tight leather boots and jacket, was waiting
for the city bus.

When the young woman stepped up to board the bus,
she quickly realized that her skirt was too tight. The embarrassed
young woman reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. She
hoped this would give her enough slack to climb the stairs onto the bus.
Much to her chagrin, though, that didn't help.

A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed,
young woman, gently lifted her from the waist and
helped her onto the bus.

As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned
on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you
touch me! I don't even know who you are!"

The big Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but since you were unzippin' my fly, I kinda
figured that we was friends!"

:1orglaugh Stop It You're Killing Me!:1orglaugh

:1orglaugh

Now thats fuckin funny! :1orglaugh

Japan recently sent the American people 50,000,000 cases of Viagra ...... They heard that our entire country can't get an election straight ...

My fellow Canuckleheads might appreciate this one....



BROKEN SNOWMOBILE

An Eskimo brought his snowmobile in for servicing. He told the mechanic that it wasn't running right. The mechanic took a look at the snowmobile , turned to the Eskimo and said, "It doesn't look too bad, but I think you've blown a seal."

... The Eskimo looks puzzled for a minute, wipes off his face and says, "Nah...its just some ice in my mustache..."

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made
while he was performing colonoscopies: (scope tube up the pooper)

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
so I said "Implants?"

:1orglaugh

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?


The kid stutters.

I can actually hear the ?rim shot? as I read each of these jokes!

ROFL ... owange

It was also reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week
there was a long discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney
and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated
emphatically that "Men do not have anginas." The President was
especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has "acute angina."
Clinton would have asked him for a date because Hillary's angina is old
and damn ugly.

ZzZzZ ... that would be something a 1st grade teacher would ask

Predictable ... but I didn't predict it ... great joke . Where did you get it from ?

I'm not at liberty to say.

old

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining
to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will it take? " she asks.
They'll grow larger over a period of years" he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts over years will make them grow bigger"?

Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"

Tell a joke or die. Bitch.

I would take that note :)

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

Hung Chow call his boss and says: "Hey, boss I not come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not
come work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel
better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

:thumbsup

Thanks for the laugh, CD! :1orglaugh