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Oversensitive About His Missing Ears


Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The gentleman answered, "Why yes I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well... you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fricking ears!"

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Skydiving

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: A perfect setup for skeet shooting.

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Redneck Home Improvement

You might be a redneck if a capital home improvement is four tires and rims

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One Cool Skeleton

Why was the skeleton so cool?

Because he was bad to the bone.

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Clock

Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
To see time fly.

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A Few Good Men

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."

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Wok-a-doo

Do you know what a wok is?
It's something you throw at a wabbit.

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You Filthy F***ing Parrot

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'

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Yo Mama's So Stupid... Cliff

Yo mama's so stupid that she jumped off a cliff and stopped for directions.

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Getting Any on the Side?

Joe was asked at work if he was getting any on the side.
He replied, ?Hell, it's been so long since I had any I didn't know they moved it.?

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Yo mama's...Stupid

Yo Mama is so stupid, she sends thank you notes with her bills.

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Yo Mama's So Poor

Yo mama's so poor, she lives in a two-story Dorito Bag

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The Blonde and the Zipper

A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees an extremely beautiful blonde in a tight mini-skirt, and decides to get on the bus directly behind her. As the bus pulls up, she begins to board the bus, but cannot make the first step with her mini zipped. She reaches behind her and undoes the zipper. Then she attempts to board the bus, and once again she fails in her attempt. She reaches behind her once more and undoes the same zipper. She tries again to board the bus, and again she fails in her attempts. The young man finally decides just to lift her into the bus.
When he lifts her she yells, ?Don't get fresh with me!?

The young man just looks at her and says, ?Lady you've just undone my zipper twice, and now you say that I'm getting fresh with you!?

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Men's Future

Q: How do you know when a man's planning for the future?
A: He buys TWO cases of beer.

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What Did A Lawyer Name His ...

What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?
Sue!!

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Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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Yo mama's so fat... monster truck

Yo' mama so fat, she sat in a monster truck turned it into a lowrider!

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Baby, I've Got A Question For You

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so...
Do you have a piece of gum?

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Cris Cross

Yo mama so cross-eyed, when she crys, tears rolled down her back.

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Guess What I Am?

Can you guess what I am?
I am about six inches long. I have a bush at one end, and when rubbed hard I produce a white frothy substance. I move back and forth and in and out.

Answer: I'm a toothbrush

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Life's Reflections

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

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Muffin Diver

There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin looked at the second muffin and said, ''Man, it's getting hot in here!'' Then the second apple looked at the first muffin.

''Oh, my God! A talking muffin!''

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Spring of 1957

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. ?Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?? he says. ?That's cool,? says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, ?Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.? Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. ?Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!?
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: ?Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!?

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Yo mama's...Fat

Yo' Mama's so fat, she fell off all four sides of the bed.

cornhusker

10 Reasons to Date a Hockey Player

1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9.They know when to play rough
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.

cornhusker

Yo Mama and her Car

Yo mama so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

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Polar Bears

What do polar bears have that no other animal has?
Polar bear babies.

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Urinate

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, ?Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.?
Sarah said, ?Cows have spots.

Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.?

Carla said, ?Computers are electronic.?

Bobby said, ?Urinate.?

Mrs. Flebs said, ?Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.?

Bobby said, ?Not ?urinate?, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.?

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Virgins in Caves

What do you call a cave-dwelling virgin?
Never Bin Laidon

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The Lawyer Who Was Too Big to Bury

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

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Sweet Talker

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying ?Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.?
Then he says, ?Pass the tea, you old bag.?

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Third World War

"Jimmy," says the teacher, "what would happen if the Third World War broke out?"

"It would be a huge problem. There'd be another chapter in the history book to study."

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Parking Meter

You're so dumb yo put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

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A Drunken Leprechaun

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God", he implored, "let it be blood!"

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Michael Jackson shops at Wal-Mart

Q: Why did Michael Jackson run to Wal-Mart?
A: Boys pants were half off.

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The Stupid Paratrooper

About ten recruits are making their first parachute jump. This 6 foot, 280 pound Master Sergeant, standing by the open door says: "Okay ladies, hustle up to this door, jump out in turn, and count slowly to ten. When you get to ten, your 'chute will automatically open.

"Now in the event, and this is highly unlikely, your 'chute doesn't open, pull the cord on your bellys. That's your emergency 'chute. The emergency 'chute will open immediately. Any questions?"

These guys are too scared to even talk. The Master Sergeant grabs the first guy in line and, while pulling him to the door, yells; "When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base. MOVE OUT."

As scared as they are, they all make it out the door, until they get to the last one. This guy is a really sad looking, 98-pound pessimistic creature. Very reluctantly, he shuffles up to the door and, just before he gets booted out, falls out and starts counting: one... two. He finally gets to ten.

Nothing.

He waits about five seconds and counts to ten once again.

Still nothing.

He starts frantically fumbling around, and finally finds the handle. He jerks on the handle and the cord comes off in his hand.

Raising his head to the heavens, he screams: "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"

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The Antenna and the TV

What did the antenna say to the TV?

''Without me, you'd be snowed in.''

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An Honest Lawyer

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.

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Yo Mama's So Fat... Space

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even float in space!

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Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

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Legless Poodle

What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A spoonge.

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Yo mama's...Fat

Yo Mama is so fat, when she gets out on the dance floor, she makes the band skip.

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Doughboy

What do you get when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Dough Nuts!

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Reaching the end of a job...


Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

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Two retired professors were vacationing

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."

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M.A.R.I.N.E.

Military Joke
What does marine stand for?

Muscles are required, intellegence not expected.

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So many to choose from

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: In a catalogue.

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I Didn't Do It!

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell:

''What are you in for?''

''I'm here for something I did not do!''

''So you are innocent? What did you do?''

''I did not run fast enough!''

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Yo mama's So Lazy

Yo' mama so lazy, she stuck her nose out the window and let the wind blow it!

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Mommy, Mommy!

"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
"Shut up and eat your corn flakes."