cornhusker

Chuck The Yuck

What did the man say to the toothpaste model after she gave him oral sex?
"WOW! Those are the whitest teeth I've ever come across."

cornhusker

Blonde's Relatives

Q: Where do blondes go to visit their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

cornhusker

Lightbulb: Psychiatrist

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it really has to want to change.

cornhusker

Cereal Killer

Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech?
A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.

cornhusker

Adam's New Organs

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news."
''Well, give me the good news first.''

''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''

''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''

cornhusker

Yankee Fans' Commute

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to watch their team play the Red Sox. They start making fun of a couple of Red Sox supporters who only have one ticket between the two of them.
Just before the conductor appears both Red Sox fans go into the bathroom and lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the door they slip the ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and slides it back under the door and off he goes.

On the return journey the Yankees fans decide to pull the same trick and purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet again the two Red Sox supporters only have one ticket between them. The Yankees fans realize there is only one bathroom per carriage and quickly take the lead, locking themselves in first, leaving the Red Sox fans with nowhere to go.

A minute later the Red Sox fan without a ticket strolls over to the bathroom and knocks on the door.

cornhusker

Name That Flower

Q: What is the name of the flower you find between your nose and your chin?

A: Two lips [Translation: Tulips. Get it?].

cornhusker

Monica & The Rest Of Us

Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?

A: To get some dick in the White House, we just voted!

cornhusker

Blonde and Doorknobs

What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn

cornhusker

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

cornhusker

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

cornhusker

One day, Moishe went to the doctor and the doctor said that he had 10 days to 2 weeks left to live. Moishe said, 'Dr. I've done good things all my life. All I ever wanted was to win the lottery, just once!' The doctor said, 'Sorry Moishe, you're gonna die.' So Moishe went to his church and prayed. He said, 'God, all I ever wanted was to win the lottery. Just once.' The ceiling opened up and a light shined down upon Moishe and a deep booming voice said, 'Moishe, try buying a ticket.'

cornhusker

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

cornhusker

What's 72?
69 with 3 people watching!

cornhusker

Yo' mama so ugly, her dog humps her leg with its eyes closed!

cornhusker

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, ''Where did you get that?''
The pig says, ''I won her in a raffle!''

cornhusker

What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school?
Bison!

cornhusker

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."

The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"

Little Johnny says, "uh-unh."

The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!"

Little Johnny says, "Nope."

The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"

cornhusker

Where does a king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

cornhusker

Your mama's so fat when she walked into the all-you-can-eat buffet they had to install speed bumps.

cornhusker

You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped yo' mama!

cornhusker

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camel's butt. Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you doing?"
Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"

cornhusker

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

cornhusker

Small Town Justice

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.''
''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.''

''But officer, I just wanted to say...''

''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!''

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.''

''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''

cornhusker

Yo mama is so hairy that Tarzan couldn't get through her bush.

cornhusker

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

cornhusker

Why can't you shoot up marijuana?
Because you'll get a budclot!

cornhusker

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath room so she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no paper so he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was then sent home and his Mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?"

So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he will get scared away."

Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

And the little boy said, "Oh great Mom, now look what you did, you scared the sh** out of him!"

buddyjuf

this thread is such a failure compare to mine

cornhusker

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!'' '


And yes it is bdjuf

cornhusker

Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

cornhusker

couple has been married for 50 years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgetting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on. The doctor said, ?There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things.?
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing. She replied, ?I was just going to make some ice cream.? The husband insisted that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, ?WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!?

?Okay dear,? he replied.

?And sprinkles too!?

?Okay dear.?

From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs. The wife said ?So? Where's the toast??

cornhusker

You know about the 39 Heaven's Gate culters who killed themselves?
They found another one underneath the sink...behind the Comet.

cornhusker

You're so poor the only time you go to the grocery store is for free samples.

cornhusker

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.
The first Catholic women tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father." "

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'your grace.'"

The third Catholic lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called ?Your Eminence.?"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, '"Well??"

So she replies, "My son is 6'2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room?women gasp,?OH MY LORD!?"

cornhusker

Why did the blonde take more than one pregnancy test?
Because she slept with more than one guy.

Vitasoy

Take it to the bank conhusker

__________________


[email protected]

cornhusker

Did you hear about the guy who drove his Ford Chevy truck into the lake?

It sank... like a rock!

cornhusker

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin some jewerly out of a jewerly box. Out of nowhere he hears, "Jesus is watchin you." He looks around, but doesn't see anything, so he goes into the next room. He starts looking around in the dressers and closets, then hears the same voice again, "Jesus is watchin you." Hegets a little scared so he starts sneaking around the house to search for the voice when he hears it again, "Jesus is watchin you." He follows the voice and it leads him to a bird cage. He sees the bird and asks, "Did you say that?" The bird replied, "Yes" "What is your name little bird?" "Moses" "What kind of retarded people name their birds Moses?" The bird smiles, "The kind of people who name there rottweiler Jesus!"

cornhusker

I think I'm going to quit in a few minutes - no one else is participating, I think I have it won.

cornhusker

What's the difference between a broom and a fifteen-year old guy?

Nothing! They're both always hard!

cornhusker

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

cornhusker

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven when Saint Peter met them and asked, ''What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?''
The first man answered, ''I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life.''

The second man replied, ''I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I had made a difference in some young person's life.''

The third man said, ''Wow guys, those are really great sentiments but I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!'''

cornhusker

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." "Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

cornhusker

Three blondes died and are up talking to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven."
He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "Oh, that's that one time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."

St. Peter just shakes his head and says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney."

Again St. Peter just shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"

She says, "Oh that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it."

St. Peter smiles and urges, "Yes... go on..."

The blonde continues, "Then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."

cornhusker

What's the best part of gardening?
Getting down and dirty with my hoes

cornhusker

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

?What happened?? she asks.

?I've never been with a woman,? he says. ?But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!?

cornhusker

ship of Marines is sailing along one day when they come upon an island where a sailor is lounging under a tree. The sailor sees the ship and starts taunting the Marines, saying he could kick any one of their asses.
The captain is angry at this, and sends one of his best men over to teach the sailor a lesson.

In front of all of his shipmates, the sailor swiftly beats the crap out of the Marine, knocking him out cold. He then looks back at the rest of the men and yells that he can kick all of their asses.

The captain, now steamed, sends over 20 of his men to take care of the sailor.

The sailor sees them all coming and quickly jumps to the other side of a hill. The Marines follow.

A loud ruckus ensues and one Marine, badly beaten, comes back over the hill and gasps, "Sir, it's a trap! There are TWO of them!"

cornhusker

Yo' mama so nasty, she walks by a clock it doesn't say tick-tock, it says Tic-Tac!

cornhusker

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."

The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"

"By spitting," said the leprechaun.