SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.

cornhusker

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you fish coins out of public fountains.

cornhusker

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the Warden. Now, the Warden still had a job to do, but that didn't stop him from treating Slash special from time to time. A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair, the Warden asked Slash if there was anything special he would like. Slash thought for a bit and said he would like the Warden to contact his wife and have her make meatloaf for him the rest of his life (which by this time, was short). Of course, the Warden complied and each day, Slash sat down and had a big feed of his wife's meatloaf.
The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to visit Slash and asked him. ''Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?''

Slash answered, ''I ain't gonna die tomorrow.''

The other prisoner then said, ''But tomorrow is Friday, and we all know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair.''

''Don't matter,'' said Slash, ''if this meatloaf can't kill me, nothin' can.''

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your Grandma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

cornhusker

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in the laundry.

cornhusker

Q: Why do men sit with their legs wide open?
A: So their brains can breathe.

cornhusker

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"

steve90

(_))hahahaha=D

cornhusker

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.
"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

cornhusker

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, ?Where do you work??
The man said, ?Here and there.?
The judge asked the man, ?What do you do for a living??
The man said, ?This and that.?
The judge then said, ?Take him away.?
The man said, ?Wait, judge when will I get out??
The judge said to the man, ?Sooner or later.?

cornhusker

A blonde is trapped on an island. She learns how to swim and decides to go swim to shore. When she was only 1/4 away from shore, she swam back, complaining that she was too tired.

cornhusker

Yo' mama so stupid, she got scared when she was on the escalator and the power went out!

cornhusker

Why ain't women been put on the moon?
Because it don't need cleaning yet.

cornhusker

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."

cornhusker

What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
An elephant in a plastic bag.

cornhusker

Yo mama's so stupid she thinks a balanced meal is a Big Mac in each hand.

cornhusker

If you think Bill Gates is some kind of security policy, you might be a redneck.

iownthefrench

poor man's auto poster

cornhusker

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

cornhusker

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.

cornhusker

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady.
"Help yourself," she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few."
"That's okay," says the lady, "Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."

cornhusker

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists ? two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.? The first man said.?You can?t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,? The agent replies, ?Then you?re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. ?I tried, but I can?t kill my wife.? The agent replies, ?You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.? Finally, it was the woman?s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, ?You guys didn?t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.?

cornhusker

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

cornhusker

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born her mama said, ?what a treasure,? and her daddy said, ?yeah, let's bury it.?

cornhusker

Can I borrow your face for a few days?
My ass is on vacation.

iownthefrench

poor man's auto poster

cornhusker

Yo mama so fat I can stand on her belly and high-five God

cornhusker

Why did the skeleton Burp?
Cause it didn't have the Guts to fart!!!!

cornhusker

Why can't DJ's play pool?
Because they always scratch!

iownthefrench

cornhusker

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic.

iownthefrench

1

cornhusker

Three men were in a NASA conference room to decide how to spend $10 billion.
"I think we should put our men on Mars!" said the first man.
"Ooh, good idea," said the other two.
"I think we should put our men on Venus!" said the second man.
"Ooh, good idea," said the other two.
"I think we should put our men on the Sun!"
"How are you going to do that?"
"Easy. We go at night."

iownthefrench

2

cornhusker

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin said, "Hey Britney, look at that dead birdie!"
Britney looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

cornhusker

User Posts
cornhusker 426
SlickRick 22
foolio 10
Tyson 7
iownthefrench 5
Vitasoy 4
Fabuleux 4

iownthefrench

3

iownthefrench

4

cornhusker

5

cornhusker

iownthefrench

LMAO, RIGHT? lol, I can't seem to get my auto poster to work... pity me

iownthefrench

1

cornhusker

2?

cornhusker

User Posts
cornhusker 430
SlickRick 22
foolio 10
iownthefrench 9
Tyson 7
Vitasoy 4
Fabuleux 4
beemk 4
David Barnes 3

cornhusker

How much longer is left?

cornhusker

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants, a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.
''Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?''

cornhusker

There was a man named Benny who loved to take walks on the beach. One day he found a bottle with a genie in it. He let the genie out.
The genie was so grateful that he granted him one wish with the condition that he never shave again, otherwise he'd turn him into an urn.
Benny got his wish of riches and fame but he kept tripping over his long beard which he hadn't shaved in 30 years. Benny said to himself, ?that genie isn't around anymore, I'm shaving.? With that, he went home and shaved. Instantly he went 'POOF' and turned into an urn.
Moral to the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urn-ed.

cornhusker

444

cornhusker

434