cornhusker

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

cornhusker

What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.

cornhusker

You might be a redneck if you lit a match in your bathroom it blew your house off its wheels!

cornhusker

Yo' mama so fat, fat is a compliment!

cornhusker

This Avon lady was out selling her wares. She got on an elevator and pressed the button for the fifth floor. Suddenly, she let a fart. She thought to herself, ?What am I going to do now?'' She pulled a can of pine-scented air freshener out of her satchel and sprayed it all around her.?
The door to the elevator opened on the third floor and a rather inebriated man gets on. The door closes and suddenly he gets a whiff and exclaims, ?Smells like somebody shit on the evergreen tree!?

cornhusker

Q: What does the Pillsbury Doughboy have underneath his apron?
A: Dough-nuts

cornhusker

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"What part did you get?"

cornhusker

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

cornhusker

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back?
Because she got an ''F'' in Sex.

cornhusker

Yo mama's so fat, she can't fit through the door of an Internet chat room!

cornhusker

Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
In case she locks her keys inside.

cornhusker

What did the snail say on the tortoise's back?
"Weeeeeeeeeee!"

cornhusker

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

cornhusker

What do you call Italian women in a sauna?
Gorillas In The Mist!

cornhusker

What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.

cornhusker

Q: What do you get when you cross a centipide with a parrot?
A: A walkie-talkie.

cornhusker

An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.
''How much is this one?'' he asked. ''Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20,'' he explained.

''How much is that one?'' he asked ''Well that one is a female brain and its $100.'' he explained.

''And how much is that one?'' he asked. ''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' he explained.

''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked. ''Well it has hardly been used!''

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you videotape fishing shows.

cornhusker

Q: What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Chicago Bears

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.

cornhusker

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.

cornhusker

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."
And it was good.

Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."

With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue.

God said, "Let it be called, 'The Dallas Cowboys' - America's team."

Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need assholes."

So he made their fans.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.

cornhusker

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie.
God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in... hole in one!

Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says: ?Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gonna mess around??

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your chili's secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.

cornhusker

If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs, you might be a redneck.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . someone asks, 'Where's your bowling bag' and you answer, 'She's at home with the kids.'

cornhusker

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You have less guilt the next morning.

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your masseuse uses lard.

cornhusker

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

cornhusker

What's black and white, black and brown, and black and black?
A nun roasting on a spit!

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your family's #1 enemy is revenuers.

cornhusker

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.

cornhusker

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell:

''What are you in for?''

''I'm here for something I did not do!''

''So you are innocent? What did you do?''

''I did not run fast enough!''

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . when describing your kids, you use the phrase 'dumb as a brick.'

cornhusker

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?
Because you have a short stop between second and third.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your favorite cap says, 'Babymaker.'

cornhusker

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying ?Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.?
Then he says, ?Pass the tea, you old bag.?

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

cornhusker

Two lions are walking along the beach. One turns to the other and says "It's awfully quiet today isn't it?"

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you are allowed to bring your dog to work.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.

cornhusker

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?''
''Oh, mama,'' she replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...''

Suddenly she burst out crying. ''But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!''

''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?''

''Please don't make me tell you, mama,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!''

''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!''

Still sobbing, the bride said, ''Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!''

SlickRick

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks.