Divorced parents - has the industry hindered custody issues?

[Sarah_Jayne]

I am not a parent myself but I have a (male) friend in the industry that has just started the divorce process. He has a daughter that is in the toddler stage and his wife is already starting to make it difficult for him to see the daughter. Have any of you gone through a custody battle where working in the industry - he is a webmaster and has done small amounts of content - came up as an issue? Any advice for dealing with it?

[BVF]

He's going to go through it....I don't have any advice on how to deal with it because it's fucked up....

Fortunately at least ONE of the magistrates in my case made it absolutely clear that the fact that I did porn for a living had NO shock value on him....As long as it's legal, he didn't care....

However, he will probably get some self-righteous woman who will make it her duty to kiss the ass of the woman and make it difficult for the man to get any justice...

In other words, he's pretty much fucked for the next year or two.....

[oceania]

went through an awful time with my EX. He wanted to use my content (erotic stories) as proof in this small town of how unfit i was as a mother.
the best advice
get a good lawyer
try working thru all of it before hand - a prosay agreement ( worked for me)
and if you have to go to court
make sure the Judge doesnt care about your field of business.

[Lycanthrope]

Aye, he should get a good lawyer and follow that advice. It wouldn't hurt to find some dirt on her that equals or trumps that is what he does for a living.

[Phoenix]

most judges make the bench based on intelligence...not their religious views

but im sure it doesnt help...unless your friend is making oodles

[PSSuperstars]

Get the upper hand by having her threaten him on the phone.. and have it recorded.
If he knows how to aggitate her without being confrontational himself.. get it recorded.. to show her "temper".. then get a restraining order against her for said "temper"..

but only do this if he straight up is a great guy in all aspects of life.. and porn is just the career.

If she has character shit on him other than the porn.. it's a lost cause.

[Due]

I have 2 kids with my ex-wife and both is living with me, I could not imagine anything else.
Luckily we did not have to go through a custody case, but I would if needed.
I don't think being in the adult industry is a barrier if he make a good appearance and show that it's a business and not a playground.

[Sarah_Jayne]

Feels a shame that the way to counter act dirty behavior is to get dirty yourself.

[Fletch XXX]

all i know is this:

If I had a daughter and her mom was running porn sites, and I wanted custody I would use anything against her that I could.

Thus is how it be in war.

[Karupted Charles]

I recently went through this and won. Many judges are very smart and look at the legal issues and the best interest of the child. I was asked what I do they looked into the legality of it and we are on the up and up so it became a non issue and her attorney was basically told it did not matter and to move on.

[Sarah_Jayne]

Originally Posted by Fletch XXX

all i know is this:

If I had a daughter and her mom was running porn sites, and I wanted custody I would use anything against her that I could.

Thus is how it be in war.

and never mind how much that hurt the kid in the long run....

[Fletch XXX]

Originally Posted by Sarah_MaxCash

and never mind how much that hurt the kid in the long run....

this is all too hypothetical for me... i would never be in this position and dont really have anything positive to contribute...



but all is fair in love and war.

[Chris]

http://parentsinadult.com/

i think it is pretty dated tho

[Sarah_Jayne]

Originally Posted by Chris

http://parentsinadult.com/

i think it is pretty dated tho

Ah, I had remembered seeing something like that but couldn't remember what it was called.

[SmokeyTheBear]

Originally Posted by Fletch XXX

all i know is this:

If I had a daughter and her mom was running porn sites, and I wanted custody I would use anything against her that I could.

Thus is how it be in war.

i think you say that now , and its an honest feeling, but if you were in the situation you would feel differently.

It's easy to WANT to be selfish when you are alone. When you have a child you have to think about what's best for the child , even if its the worst thing for you.

[Sarah_Jayne]

Originally Posted by Fletch XXX

this is all too hypothetical for me... i would never be in this position and dont really have anything positive to contribute...



but all is fair in love and war.

Yeah, I get that. I won't likely ever have kids of my own but in my first marriage I had two step daughters. He was given custody of them in the divorce which wasn't all that common for men back then. He then had a bike accident and was in a coma for three months and the girls went with his wife for what was suppose to be until he was out of hospital and she never gave them back. She spent so much time re-programming them to forget good memories they had with him that it was only when they were in their very late teens that they were starting to have any real contact with him again. Not sure how much love was involved in that fight. Kind of makes me glad on some levels that I won't have kids.

[Vicious_B]

Someone working in a legal industry should have no bearing on the outcome of their custody case but unfortunately I think the personal feelings of a judge could come into play. It always sickens me when I see parents going for blood and putting their child in the middle. If your fighting because it is in the best interest of the child then I understand but just hurt feeling and nastiness is no excuse.

[Fletch XXX]

Originally Posted by 12clicksMichele

Someone working in a legal industry should have no bearing on the outcome of their custody case but unfortunately I think the personal feelings of a judge could come into play. It always sickens me when I see parents going for blood and putting their child in the middle. If your fighting because it is in the best interest of the child then I understand but just hurt feeling and nastiness is no excuse.

you do realize, even "looking at porn" has been used to make "dads" look bad in this country right?

So I would assume, running Dog Fart sites would get you a little more negative looks from the judge LOL

IN fact, Denise Richards used "legal teen girl sites" to make Charlie Sheen look as if he was looking at underage "young girls" in court...

when it comes to sinking low, parents are the worst.

I am for licensed breeding so all you parents should be tested and licensed first anyway ;)

[SmokeyTheBear]

Originally Posted by Sarah_MaxCash

I am not a parent myself but I have a (male) friend in the industry that has just started the divorce process. He has a daughter that is in the toddler stage and his wife is already starting to make it difficult for him to see the daughter. Have any of you gone through a custody battle where working in the industry - he is a webmaster and has done small amounts of content - came up as an issue? Any advice for dealing with it?

how do you mean "starting to make it difficult" ? he either has court ordered visitation that she has no say over whatsoever or he doesn't and he needs to get it ASAP. He needs to make some very hard decisions right now that he has to remember will last the rest of his childs life. Yes you can change visitation at a later point but you can't give back a child attention it lacked.

I have gone through this situation and i have full custody.


Obviously a lawyer will help here but only if you make it very clear what you want . Not very many lawyers are very "ethical", they WANT a trial , they get paid more.

My lawyer went with 2 major points as far as the adult stuff. #1 is completely legal and the minor is not exposed to it in any way. #2 the ex never had any problems with it during the relationship

[SmokeyTheBear]

p.s. please have him read this.

He is about to either be a "deadbeat dad" , a "weekend dad" or a "dad" not just for when the child is a child but for the rest of his life.

The fact she is already slinging this type of dirt suggest's that being a "weekend dad" might not be the healthiest thing for your child, you may NEED to become a dad who shares merely so your child isn't warped by your ex's time.

Stop what you are doing , take time off work , gather some friends and support to help you and fight like you have never fought before , and i dont mean for full custody if thats not the best thing for your daughter, but if it requires that , do it.

[Sarah_Jayne]

Originally Posted by SmokeyTheBear

how do you mean "starting to make it difficult" ? he either has court ordered visitation that she has no say over whatsoever or he doesn't and he needs to get it ASAP. He needs to make some very hard decisions right now that he has to remember will last the rest of his childs life. Yes you can change visitation at a later point but you can't give back a child attention it lacked.

I have gone through this situation and i have full custody.


Obviously a lawyer will help here but only if you make it very clear what you want . Not very many lawyers are very "ethical", they WANT a trial , they get paid more.

My lawyer went with 2 major points as far as the adult stuff. #1 is completely legal and the minor is not exposed to it in any way. #2 the ex never had any problems with it during the relationship

They are at the very start and she is just making it so that when he wants to see the daughter she isn't available and that sort of thing. He does need to go protect himself as much as possible, I agree.

[sweetredhead]

Originally Posted by Sarah_MaxCash

and never mind how much that hurt the kid in the long run....

Kids shouldn't get dragged into all of this shit, if 2 adults want to get divorced they should be civil and what u do for a living shouldnt have any baring on the situation at all. i'm assuming this guy was a good dad and they have a nice home, as long as the person was a good provider thats what is important.

Using kids as a pawn in a divorce is just wrong!

[SmokeyTheBear]

Originally Posted by Sarah_MaxCash

They are at the very start and she is just making it so that when he wants to see the daughter she isn't available and that sort of thing. He does need to go protect himself as much as possible, I agree.

tell him to go file a motion for access in the meantime with clearly defined terms. If he doesnt , the judge will say " then why didnt you ?"

In the meantime , record every single visit , time and phonecall.

Remember every time she denies a visit and there ISN'T a court order in place , she can just lie and say " he never showed any interest" , "didn't visit" etc etc then its just her word against his but the facts remain that she had majority of custody and he didn't. Everytime she dodges a visit it makes it harder for him to fight for equal custody.

A judge will say " if you wanted to share custody why did you not fight for it the day you weren't getting it , why didn't you come file for access the next day "

Ask any mom if they would just sit back and hope things get better if a FATHER had full (physical) costody of their child/children and wasn't sharing access

[Due]

Originally Posted by Sarah_MaxCash

and never mind how much that hurt the kid in the long run....

That is a somewhat strange comment.
Each parent will bring certain values to your child, I don't think it is possible to really say if one is better than the other, both values that a father and a mother is bringing is important for the child, obviously both parties love their kids and will do whatever they can to get the children to live with them, humans are selfish and we all think that our own values is the best, that is why we live by them
Parents can still have huge fights over the children without them hurting from it as long as the parents can figure out to seperate it and not involve the kids into it, that is where it fails for the most part
I don't think there is an all postive solution to when parents are splitting up and have to work out the custody, but can still be better than if the parents is staying together for the sake of the children if they don't get a long.

[Sarah_Jayne]

Originally Posted by Due

That is a somewhat strange comment.
Each parent will bring certain values to your child, I don't think it is possible to really say if one is better than the other, both values that a father and a mother is bringing is important for the child, obviously both parties love their kids and will do whatever they can to get the children to live with them, humans are selfish and we all think that our own values is the best, that is why we live by them
Parents can still have huge fights over the children without them hurting from it as long as the parents can figure out to seperate it and not involve the kids into it, that is where it fails for the most part
I don't think there is an all postive solution to when parents are splitting up and have to work out the custody, but can still be better than if the parents is staying together for the sake of the children if they don't get a long.

I wasn't implying that either parent would be better for the kid but that the mere fighting *dirty* over the kid may not be the best thing for them in the long run. Slinging a ton of dirt at one of their parents and them finding out the slung details as they grow might not be fantastic for them in the long run either.

[baddog]

It depends on where the divorce is happening. If it is the UK, who knows. CA, not an issue.

[Sarah_Jayne]

In the States...

[Kudles]

It might cause some issues

[BVF]

Oh, and I ended up with joint custody and I see my kids every day....There are some lawyers who will try and use it against you, but the JUDGES normally have some common sense when it comes to it...

Now the fact that he's a man is a whole different story.....

[baddog]

Originally Posted by Sarah_MaxCash

In the States...

What state? Some are no fault. I know of one person going thru a divorce in a bible-belt, fly-over state and working in adult has had zero effect.

[Sarah_Jayne]

Originally Posted by baddog

What state? Some are no fault. I know of one person going thru a divorce in a bible-belt, fly-over state and working in adult has had zero effect.

Northern California at the moment. Hopefully it will turn out as you say.

[baddog]

Originally Posted by Sarah_MaxCash

Northern California at the moment. Hopefully it will turn out as you say.

CA is a no fault state. Dissolution of the marriage may be based on either of the following grounds; (1) Irreconcilable differences, which have caused the irremediable breakdown of the marriage. (2) Incurable insanity.

He has nothing to worry about.

[Pornstuck]

Thank god for not having any kids.

[Deej]

I have a very close friend that went through this very thing.

Ill just say in the end, he won! They both have custody, but he won the battle.

Just keep it honest. If he has things to hide, hes fucked. If he's legit, lets hope the judge dosnt look down on porn.

[mona]

This is an article that appeared in April Klixxx...Child Custody and Adult Industry Parents

I hope you (and anyone else that is experiencing similar issues as your friend) find it helpful!

[BlackCrayon]

Originally Posted by Due

That is a somewhat strange comment.
Each parent will bring certain values to your child, I don't think it is possible to really say if one is better than the other, both values that a father and a mother is bringing is important for the child, obviously both parties love their kids and will do whatever they can to get the children to live with them, humans are selfish and we all think that our own values is the best, that is why we live by them
Parents can still have huge fights over the children without them hurting from it as long as the parents can figure out to seperate it and not involve the kids into it, that is where it fails for the most part
I don't think there is an all postive solution to when parents are splitting up and have to work out the custody, but can still be better than if the parents is staying together for the sake of the children if they don't get a long.

Its virtually impossible for the kid to not be effected in some way. Of course there are exceptions but even the best people let things slip out about their ex when the child is in earshot.

[Sharky]

Original Author: Tom

WHY ARE YOU HERE?? This is not a silly question. You are about to learn a whole new meaning of the term,"rebuttable presumption," and why it applies exclusively to you in Family Court.

Trust me, you're in for the fight of your life. If you're not prepared, you can bet the other side will rebut you right out of fatherhood and into poverty. Your children, with your current and future finances, will be out of your life forevermore.

Your goal therefore, demands a strong offense. This requires dedication, support, "pro-active" planning, and lots of research. In other words, PREPARATION IS EVERYTHING!!

The following list is neither conclusive nor is it exhaustive. For that matter, not all of it will apply to you. Nevertheless, its intent is to get you to think, ask hard questions, and above all, to be prepared. Copy it. Print it. NEVER let your STBX see it.

What ever you do, NEVER YOUR MARITAL RESIDENCE unless ordered by the court!! If you do, your STBX is free to do unto you as you are about to do unto her. It'll be a mistake that'll cost you dearly.

If you're not THOROUGHLY prepared, the other side will find your weakness and work you over. Their primary purpose is to "soften you up" and get you to give up custody WILLINGLY!! "THEY HAVE METHODS!!" They'll even recruit your attorney and get you to sign documents you'll
later regret. If you're not prepared, and if you fail to choose your attorney wisely, there'll be nothing left of you when they're done.

If your STBX files first, she's already plotted her next 10 moves against you. This is not where you want to be. If she files first, you can expect:

1) a restraining order that evicts you from your house and prevents you from contacting your kids.

2) to pay temporary child support, temporary alimony, community debt, and/or bills accumulated by your STBX during these proceedings. This can be 1 to 3 years. You'll be bankrupt well before trial.

3) to pay court costs and other fees, in addition to expenses mentioned above: GAL; Custody/Child Evaluator; Psychological evaluation; Your STBX's attorney fees.

EXPECT HER TO LIE. EXPECT THEM TO BELIEVE HER. EXPECT NO FAIRNESS. EXPECT TO NEED MOUNTAINS OF EVIDENCE TO PROVE YOUR CASE.

Their goal is to "bleed you dry" and beat you into submission. You'll never see the last of their dirty tricks. It behooves you therefore to be very prepared very early.

NEVER BE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU HAVE TO PLAY "CATCH-UP."

If you've got "skeletons" in your closet, prepare accordingly, ahead of time. Do likewise with your STBX's skeletons. Gather all incriminating info while you can. Never give her the opportunity to cover her tracks.

For starters, develop an EARLY GAME PLAN to win custody. Execute your play according to YOUR timetable. Pick your shots. Make them count. Timing is everything. Keep the other side off balance. This is very important.

Lay out a trap-line for your STBX. Perpetually work on setting her up for the fall. You know her weakness. Bait her!! Give her every opportunity to make a mistake. Spring your trap in front of the camera and in front of witnesses. Document everything.

Everything must be documented in a WELL-WORDED journal. What you write must be factual and correct. At trial, your journal will be a valuable source of events, dates, and patterns of behavior. Your journal should also contain surprises to keep the other side off balance. Most
importantly, your journal will discredit fabricated testimony and lies you can expect from the other side.

Along with your journal, gather supporting evidence with photos and videos. Put a trace program on the computer and a recorder on the phone. Don't be afraid to record phone calls. Make it your business to know where your STBX goes in cyber-space. Above all get witnesses, especially professionals involved with your STBX & kids. You may want to hire a PI. A visit to your local spy shop will be very worth while. Think of it as an investment.

Your journal, together with supporting evidence, will help you. More correctly, they will help your attorney. Remember, your attorney is only as effective as the information you give him. If he gets little from you, you can expect little in return.

Type and/or otherwise arrange journal notes well in advance of trial. Reserve plenty of time to review your journal with your attorney. You must bond with your attorney, and he must bond with you. Both of you must be "reading from the same page" between now and trial. Be sure save your original journal draft. You may need it.

YOUR JOURNAL IS THE TEMPLATE OF YOUR CASE!! Guard it carefully. It contains secrets the other side would love to have. Above all, BEWARE of so-called "neutral third parties," like the GAL or Custody Evaluator. These thugs are anything but neutral. They will specifically target their report and/or testimony to discredit everything you've written. To guard against subpoena, address each page to your attorney. Remember, the primary purpose of your journal is to rebut and/or otherwise discredit the lies and fabricated testimony that'll come from the other side. THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!!

Never sign anything the custody evaluator asks you to sign - even if it's a scrap of paper that states you agree to XYZ conditions. This is a trap. Anything you sign becomes a bona-fide legal document that will be used against you in court.

PLOTTING DATA (patterns of behavior) from your journal:

It's very important to have supporting evidence to back up your documentation. Photos and witnesses are ideal. However, you can't always count on people, nor can you count on having a camera when you need one. Therefore, you must build your case with what you have. YOUR JOURNAL!!

If done properly and consistantly, your journal becomes the heart and soul of your case. It is filled with important data. This data shows your STBX's pattern of behavior over time. In other words, you can scientifically predict how your STBX will behave based upon the data you've collected. Remember, when plotting scientific data of any nature, you can expect surprises. Remember, surprises are what keeps the other side off balance.

Data from your journal can be plotted on a graph, a pie chart, or bar chart. For comparison, it's a good idea to use all of the above. You'll need Excel software.

Plotted data are much easier to intrepret, both for the judge and your attorney. Plotted data show large blocks of evidence at a glance; ie, parenting history/behavior. This helps rebut the built-in bias of the system, and scientifically supports your bid for custody.

Keep in mind, a single "judgement error" will NEVER get the judge's attention. However, a "PATTERN" of well-documented judgement errors, supported by evidence, will make a difference.

Remember, neither the judge nor your attorney want to sift through endless streams of relatively "meaningless" journal data. Consider your audience. It's up to you to make things as easy as possible for them both.

SET YOURSELF UP TO WIN!! Pay attention to detail. Follow through on leads. Don't get side-tracked!! Use only what works for you.

BECOME A "CHILD ADVOCATE."

1) Get involved with a network of parent educators.

2) Make time for play dates and/or parties. Invite parent-chaperones who will observe you as a Superdad in fine form. Make sure mothers are invited. Ideally, they should be solidly married, above reproach, and will not be disparaged for having an affair with you.

These are great sources for collateral witnesses.

2) Enroll yourself and/or your kids in classes/counseling/treatment as necessary: Parenting classes; Co-parenting classes; Anger managment; Couseling for kids caught-in-the-middle; enroll in a Children's First program; Alcohol/drug treatment. Read contemporary books and literature
on the above subject matter. Take the initiative. Become informed. Do whatever it takes. Don't wait 'til it's too late.

3) The most important witnesses are court-appointed professionals, so-called "neutral third parties." They include; the home study evaluator, the forensic evaluator, the custody evaluator, the psychologist, the play therapist, and the GAL. Tread lightly with these people. They are
anything but neutral. These thugs are "GOD" in determining custody decisions. Keep in mind, the judge is gonna rule whatever they recommend. They live by one fundamental principle, "Dads be damned."

Whatever you do, NEVER agree to any form of binding mediation. You'll be giving up all your rights to further litigation. You'd just as well sell your soul to the Devil.

From the beginning, you must "attempt" get these witnesses on your side. They are the "tie-breaker." Truth be known, it's their job to insure the race isn't even close, much less a "tie." Nevertheless, do your best. Be sure to document everything.

a) It's their job to not like you.
b) It's their job to fabricate lies about you.
c) It's their job to soften you up and trick you into giving up custody before trial.

Remember "rebuttable presumption?" Some state's statutes declare both fathers and mothers have an equal right to parent their children. In this phase, that right is summarily taken from you. In other words, the game is rigged. It should come as no surprise, gender discrimination is rife within the Judicial Branch of Government.

[Sharky]

With that in mind, you might consider hiring a private custody evaluator. The idea is to bring conflicting opinion/testimony with you to court. This is one sure way to minimize a GAL's highly biased testimony/report.

Additionally, make sure to get documentation/history of any violence, both physical and/or verbal/psychological. Is your STBX any threat to herself, to you, to your kids, or to anyone else? Evidence of this nature is critical to rebut an already biased GAL report/testimony.

I've heard of ONE (1) favorable recommend from a GAL. This dad was a school teacher. He was thoroughly professional and very well connected. Additionally he graduated with "honors" from parenting classes and had become a state-certified foster parent. In other words, he had credentials the rest of us don't have or can't get. The GAL liked this dad because he was "one of them."

In family court, the average "Joe Six-Pack" has a 90% chance of losing. That's why your journal and witness list are of the utmost importance.

Here's another example. Risky? Hell yes! But the results are what counts.

Both Parties agreed, together with the judge, to allow the final custody decision to be handled by a custody evaluator. Dad's attorney was familiar with this evaluator and requested that she hear testimony. Stbx's attorney also agreed with the request.

The evaluator met with both attorneys prior to taking testimony. She strongly advised that the Parties settle ahead of time. (Note: This is why you never agree to binding mediation.)

At this critical moment, Dad's attorney revealed the existence of a detailed journal together with a substantial body of evidence. He suggested the Parties walk away with dignity and share custodybetween them. As a result, Dad's STBX agreed to sharing both physical and legal custody without the evaluator deciding for them.

Dad's guess is that his attorney had spooked his STBX in prior courtroom encounters. She gave up without a fight, certainly not because she wanted to. Of that, Dad is sure.

The lesson here is that Dad's attorney had taken the initiative to thoroughly study the journal well in advance. As a result, Dad's attorney was convinced that the journal would tip the balance in an occasion such as this.

Thus: a detailed journal + a good attorney + strategy = Victory

There was another dad that "bought" his STBX out. He got the house, the kids, and everything for $70K. Still another dad got out of paying alimony for a mere $11K. I realize this sounds like a lot all at once. But over time, it's a bargain. Remember, let your attorney handle the negotiating process.

MOVING ON: Your WITNESS LIST must be exhaustive. Other than court-appointed professionals, people that see you with your children and/or otherwise know you personally are going to be your best witnesses. Remember, not everyone will support you, nor will they be available when you need them.

Potential witnesses include: Extended family; neighbors; day care, school professionals; parent volunteers; medical professionals; adult activity leaders.

"Cardinal Rule" No 1....... KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!! LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!

This is war. You must approach this as a top-secret military operation.

1) Thou shalt not raise any suspicions. DO NOT TELEGRAPH YOUR INTENTIONS.
a) Thou shalt not tell anyone what you're up to, ESPECIALLY YOUR STBX.
b) Thou shalt not share information with anyone about anything.
c) Thou shalt take care of business like nothing's going on.

2) Thou shalt not get side-tracked. This is "crunch time." Manage your time wisely.

3) Thou shalt maintain thy Poker Face. Get prepared for the long hall.

"Cardinal Rule" No 2....... NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!! WATCH YOUR BACK!!

Have minimal contact with your STBX. NEVER be in a position where she can allege domestic violence of any kind. It's best not to be alone with her. Always have a witness with you.

1) Be very careful when you are alone with your STBX.
a) She can file false domestic violence charges "at will," and have you thrown in jail.
b) She can get a restraining order "at will," and have you kicked out of your house.

2) "Thou shalt ALWAYS bite the bullet." At the same, "Thou shalt ALWAYS be bulding thy case."
a) Thou shalt not argue. Thou shalt not fight. Thou shalt not provoke thy STBX.
b) Thou shalt go the extra mile to be civil. Thou shalt be Mr Nice Guy.

3) Never engage in any form of business with your ex, no matter how much the deal "appears" to be in your favor. It will be a trap you'll regret 'til your dying day. Remember, there ain't no free lunch. You can always expect a pay-back down the road.

"Cardinal Rule" No 3....... BE THE BEST DAD YOU CAN BE!! DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!!

1) Get involved with your kids as much as possible.
a) Assume the role of primary caretaker well in advance.
b) This'll set you up for primary, if not 50/50 shared primary custody. This is your goal. Never lose sight of that!!

2) Make everything you do in the best interest of your kids. Always go the extra mile.

Give your STBX a day off every week. "That's OK, Honey. I'll take care of this. Why don't you go shopping?" Take advantage to document parenting time, and snoop around when she's not home.

The following sites offer charts to document parenting time and other relavent issues. Use them to help plan what you need to do.

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/index.html
http://www.parentingtime.net/
www.ChildCustodyCoach.com

[Sharky]

"Cardinal Rule" No 4....... GET CONNECTED!! STAY INFORMED!!

1) Familiarize yourself with Family Laws, Administrative Rules, and court procedures.
a) You must understand the court process and how the family law system works.
b) It is your responsibility to know anything and everything that applies to you.
c) Mastery of your state's Family Code will confer advantage to you in the courtroom.

As a father, you have rights. However, the goal of the judicial junta is to deny, and/or otherwise undermine those rights; ie, "rebuttable presumption." You've gotta be prepared.

2) Read books on winning custody. Read only those that work for you.

3) Get connected with a dads support group. This helps you stay focused. It's the most important thing you can do.
a) With networking, your proactive effort becomes leveraged exponentially.
b) Whether you gather or share, information is the a prequisite to constructive action.
c) Hang out with winners. When things heat up, you'll need their support.
d) AVOID losers and "nay-sayers." They'll drag you down.

4) BEWARE of your limitations. Find out what works for you and what doesn't.

You'll never survive if you do this alone. As discussed above, court-appointed professionals are not what they seem. They are wolves in sheep's clothing. They have no conscience.

"Cardinal Rule" No 5....... HIRE THE BEST FATHER FRIENDLY ATTORNEY YOU CAN FIND.

BEWARE OF WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. BEWARE of attorneys who "claim" to know everything. They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. Remember, you want results, not a compromise. Take your time. Shop around. Ask hard questions. Make your choice carefully.

Your attorney's specialty should be representing fathers in family court. HE MUST KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. He should't expect a large retainer. He should tell you his win/loss record as well as your chances of winning. He should tell you his billing policy. He should be well-connected. He should know judges and court-appointed professionals; GAL's, custody evaluators, psychologists, etc.

It's no secret. Attorneys are 99% of the problem. So......

1) Be prepared, well in advance, BEFORE you choose an attorney. Know what to expect.
a) Above all, watch for "RED FLAGS."

2) Your attorney works for you. You must know ahead of time what you want and stick to it.
a) Never allow your attorney to dissuade you from your ultimate goal.
b) Never display "eager-to-deal."
c) Never allow your attorney to drag the process out unnecessarily. For starters, get a trial date set ASAP. Don't haggle over "little things." Stay focused. Keep the pressure on.

Be prepared to tell your attorney everything, especially the truth. Be prepared to follow his advice.

3) NEVER "assume" that your attorney will know everything.
a) Most of your knowledge will come from your support network; ie, experienced fathers who have tenacity and know the ropes.

4) Never expect your attorney to do "everything."
a) Manage your case actively and personally.

5) If your attorney advises you to take the "high road," find another one ASAP.
a) THIS IS WAR!! If you're gonna lose, go down fighting dirty.

6) Find a para-legal who's father friendly, one who's experienced with family law.
a) As you know, some nurses know more than doctors. The same hold true for para-legals and attorneys.
b) Find one you can count on. This is an important Plan B resource.

7) Speaking of Plan B, ALWAYS have a back-up for everything. You never know when you'll need it.
a) If you have doubts, NEVER think twice about getting a second opinion.
b) For that matter, never think twice about getting a different attorney.

8) As things progress, assess your chances of winning; best case versus worst case scenario. BE REALISTIC!!
a) If you you have a "reasonable" chance of winning, then go for it, and go early.
b) If you have "serious" doubts about winning, then settle early. Cut the best deal you can.

9) NEVER expect fairness from your STBX, much less fairness from the Family Court system.
a) Realistically, your chances of winning are 3 in 100.
b) If your ex is a junkie, a < edited >, a 3-time convicted felon, or any combination of the above, she'll win custody 97% of the time. These numbers are realistic.

This gives you some idea of what you're up against. Remember, you are at the mercy of Family Court thugs. The system is designed to degrade you and to bankrupt you. They'll force you spend your money any way they can. Like the "dog" that you are, they have tactics that bring
you to "heel." THEY DON'T LIKE YOU!!

"Cardinal Rule" No 6....... NEVER GIVE, OR SIGN ANYTHING TO YOUR STBX IN ADVANCE

You know your STBX better than anyone. You know what's important to her. You also know her weakness. Between now and trial, you will find that your STBX is "her own favorite charity." Her greed will soon become evident. Learn to exploit that to your advantage. For now, find out
what she wants.

At this stage, your STBX's "wants" are potential bargaining chips that can be exchanged later for things of importance to you, like property division/alimony.

Above all, never give her your children. They are not bargaining chips!! They are non-negotiable!! This is not open for discussion!! Stick to your guns!!

1) NEVER give, nor agree to give, anything to your STBX unless:
a) the judge orders it.
b) you get something of significance in return.
c) you get it in writing.
d) you get it from your attorney.

Remember at this stage, ANY converstion, agreement, or discussion MUST go through your attorney. No matter how much you hurt, never let your STBX back into your comfort zone.

[Sharky]

2) Keep a list of everything you give to your STBX. Use items on that list as bargaining chips later on.

During the course of your marriage, giving freely to your wife was second nature. You never thought twice about it. Today however, she is something other than your "wife." Nevertheless, she still expects this "arrangement" of giving to continue. Worse yet, court professionals
think this way too. You've gotta be careful.

For example, if you give her "this" today, tomorrow she'll ask for "that." She'll nickle and dime you for every "little thing," one piece at a time. It'll never end. Before you know it, she'll have all your "bargaining chips" and you'll have nothing. BEWARE of this trap. You need to terminate this practice immediately. There's a time for property division. That time isn't
now. NEVER GIVE YOUR STBX ANYTHING!! Stick to your guns.

Remember, bargaining chips are very important. Individually, they may seem insignificant. Collectively however, and when "cashed in" at the right time, they WILL make a difference. If a bargaining chip has value for her, then it CERTAINLY has "value" for you. Never forget that.

Nevertheless, "IF" you must give her anything, make her sign a receipt for it. Think if it as an "advance" in property settlement. Be sure to list the item's "replacement cost." That receipt is now a bona-fide "document." Use it later as a bargaining chip when you divide community property. When the time is right, you can make her pay dearly for all those "little
things" she took in advance.

"Cardinal Rule" No 7....... YOU FILE FIRST!! This is of the utmost importance.

For starters, you are forever the plaintiff and she's the defendant. That's a good thing. You get the opening shot. You design the playing field. You've got the momentum.

1) The secret is:
a) do not relent.
b) Maintain the upper hand.
c) Set the rules of the game.

Remember, there's no guarantee that you'll prevail on every issue. But it's much better than starting the game on her terms.

2) A good lawyer is essential.

3) It's extremely important to you know want and that you are in a position to direct the outcome.

HOWEVER, file ONLY when you've got a solid game plan, and ONLY when you're ready. In other words, you pick the fight, when and where, on your terms. You want "home court advantage."

Surprise is everything. If you catch her off-guard, your STBX will be playing "catch-up" 'til trial, and beyond. THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA!! If you're thoroughly prepared, and follow-through on details, she'll never catch up.

Remember, if you get temporary custody at this stage, and if you've done your homework, and if everything goes according to plan, your chances for permanent custody are virtually assured. All this of course, depends on your attorney, your journal, the thoroughness of your strategy/game plan, and your commitment to active case management. Meanwhile.....

Get complete information on your STBX and children: Full names, aliases, maiden and nick names, other names used; dates and places of birth/death; Social Security numbers; Driver's License numbers; etc.

Get every document you can think of. Leave no stone unturned. Some documents will be difficult, if not impossible to get. If/when you get stuck, move on. Do your research well in advance, BEFORE you separate. If you are thorough, you'll reap huge dividends at trial.

Store ALL documents in a safe deposit box in your name only. These include:

1) Tax returns for the last several years.
2) Marriage license; pre-nuptial agreement.
3) Documents from your STBX's previous marriage/divorce.
4) Birth/death certificates.
5) Passports, green cards, immigration documents.
6) DMV record(s); criminal history.
7) Thorough background check on your STBX. Hire a PI if necessary.
School records; college/high school diploma(s); transcript(s).
9) Medical and life insurance policies; will(s).
10) Deeds; titles; leases; contracts.
11) Bank statements; stocks, bonds and securities.
12) Retirement, pension, IRA, 401K, Keogh.
13) Credit report.
14) Family photos; heirlooms.
15) STASH YOUR CASH!!

Make sure you have passwords/access codes to ALL computers, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Try them out. Make sure they work. Reset computer passwords with new software.

Get the following for your children:

1) Recent photos of your children, in clothes they typically wear.
2) Documentation of their physical descriptions.
3) Social Security, Student Body, and State ID cards.
4) Medical history, related info, and documents.
5) Immunization records.
6) Health history and/or special needs.
7) History of behavioral issues.
History of prescription medication.

CONTACT INFO for STBX and children: friends; extended family; service providers, doctors; school, counselors, day care; etc. If your STBX runs off with your kids, you'll need to track them down.

STBX's previous marriage and children:

1) Is she getting alimony and/or child support? How much? Paid by who?
a) Can she get alimony re-instated from her previous ex?

2) What was the value of her property settlement? What did she bring into your marriage?

3) Were any of her past debts serviced during the course of your marriage?

Remember, issues like these can, and do make a difference in property settlement. More importantly, this info might show "bad faith" or "intent." In other words, is your STBX is using marriage as a means of embezzlement or early retirement? Are you her next target?

STBX's school & job info:

1) Level of education/continuing education.

2) Current level and duration of employment/unemployment/underemployment/non-employment status.
a) Salary history and benefits package.
b) Career path.
c) Job skills.
d) Anticipated raises and/or promotions.
e) Anticipated career/job change.

3) Document willingness, or lack thereof, to become employed, better employed, or otherwise permanently self-sustaining.
a) You want to minimize potential alimony and child support as much as possible.

INVENTORY:

Take inventory of everything you own. List the difference between "cash value" and "replacement cost." There is a difference!! Back-up your written inventory with videos, pictures, and appraisals. Store everything in a safe place.

COMMUNITY ASSETS: Are they greater than you think? Where did it all go?

Before, or during your marriage, did your STBX set up any form of "asset protection" where she is named beneificiary? Remember, assets could be in her name or under an alias. Perhaps a friend, a relative, a bank, or an attorney has assets "buried" for your STBX under an alias, or within a corporation? These are all good places to hide marital assets:

1) Real estate.
2) Stocks, bonds.
3) LLC's, corporations, trusts.
4) Businesses; ventures. partnerships.
5) Off-shore holdings; bank accounts; investments.

WASTING MONEY:

During the course of your marriage, did your STBX, or did your STBX force/insist that you:

1) Give/< edited > away monies, assets, or property of any kind?
2) Did she waste money on herself? eg: college, clothes, jewelery, or cosmetic surgury?
3) Did she spend money on an outside relationship?
4) Did she waste money on a home business?
5) Did she forge your signature on any checks or documents?
6) Did she waste money on failed drug/alcohol treatment?

Remember, issues like these make a difference in property settlement.

ASSETS:

Make a thorough list of assets, equity, debt, monthly income, and expenses. List everything, including names that appear on each document. Don't forget student loans and day care. Your list must include: current values; dates of acquisition and purchase price; payment and income history (paid by/earned by who?). Your list must be exhaustive!!

Note: Any debt acquired during your marriage is a community debt. A student loan however, is more complicated. In essence, you are taking an "asset" with you and leaving a debt behind. If you anticipate paying child support and/or alimony, you could argue the increased income is a
direct result of this asset. It is therefore simultaneously captured thru the debt, ie; your greater income potential would not be possible without the accompanying debt. Obviously, the other side will argue for higher support and leave you with your mountain of student loan debt
at the same time. In other words, they want it both ways. Chances are,the judge will agree.

Real estate: Purchase price; equity; down payment; mortgage balance; monthly payment; maintenance; improvements; etc. Get your house appraised. Apply for refinancing. The numbers won't be equal. Such differences can be significant in property settlement.

Also include: Vehicles; boats; RV's; condo time shares; business/partnership interests/equity; credit cards; stocks & bonds; bank and investment accounts; jewelry and other items of value; etc.

Don't forget: Debts; gifts; inheritance; any type of "windfall;" lottery winnings; etc.

Meanwhile, STAY FOCUSED FROM THE BEGINNING.

1) DIG IN AND FIGHT DIRTY. THIS IS WAR!! THERE ARE NO RULES!!
a) If you take the "high road," you will lose.
b) If you compromise, you will lose.

2) Once you file, keep the heat on. NEVER let up on your STBX.
a) It's up to you to maintain momentum and keep pressure on your STBX "CONTINUALLY." Your attorney can't possibly do this for you. This is your fight, and yours alone.

3) Filing first sets the tone for the entire process.
a) The chances of winning or losing depends "SIGNIFICANTLY" upon who files first.
b) Filing first gives you distinct advantage. You control the high ground.
c) NEVER compromise your position nor your advantage.

[Sharky]

Do all of the above. Leave no stone unturned. These measures set the tone 'til trial. Cut off your STBX's money and resourses early in the game. Do anything and everything that hinders her bid for custody. THIS IS WAR!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

MEANWHILE: Focus on the basics. Fine-tune your game plan. Work on strategy. Keep it simple.

Don't forget, ALWAYS HAVE A CONTINGENCY PLAN for everything (Plan B)

Get your financial house in order. Clean out/close out everything, especially joint accounts. Take "convenience" out of purchasing. This includes credit cards, on-line purchasing, and other "lines-of-credit" you've established over time. This vicious cycle must be broken.

Except for essentials, don't buy anything. If you must buy, pay with cash. Pay all bills the old-fashioned way. Write a check and drop it in the mail. Keep a record of bills that get paid.

"IN YOUR NAME ONLY" - Route all mail to a new PO Box. Get a new cell phone. Keep it secure. Use it for "IMPORTANT" business only. Open savings and checking accounts at a different bank. Get a new safe deposit box to store cash, valuables, and documents. Open new Visa & Mastercard accounts. Use them only for "EMERGENCIES." Get a line of credit as large as you can. Rent a storage locker to stash large items of value. Remember your inventory? Manage it closely. Get new passwords for everything, including credit cards, PC, & ATM.

STASH YOUR CASH in your new safe deposit box. Another option is to open a "secured" Visa/Mastercard account. The bank takes $XXXX.00 from one account deposits it in an interest-drawing "trust." Meanwhile, use the credit card as usual up to the secured dollar amount. You can deposit additional funds as they become available. This/these transaction(s)
don't "appear" on bank or credit card statements. There's just less cash in your account.

MOVING ON - Convert what you can to cash. Think, "D-O-W-N-S-I-Z-E." Sell everything. Pay bills and reduce debt as much as possible. Save all receipts and bills of sale. You may need to account for everything later.

THIS MEANS: Cancel subscriptions and non-essential services. Cash in stocks and bonds. Sell the Lexus, the Suburban, the RV, and the boat. Sell your time shares for the condo, jewelery, china, and silverware. Include anything and everything you can think of. That means "boy's
toys" too. You're not gonna have time for them once the proceeding begins.

Before selling your house, convert your equity into cash by refinancing. You're gonna need it. Remember, there's no guarantee that a sale will occur any time soon. For that matter, there's no guarantee you'll get your asking price. Furthermore, with commissions, taxes, fix-up and
misc expenses, your equity could dwindle to something far less than you expected. It's best to cash out while you can.

The idea is to liquidate what you can ahead of time, while you have time. You won't have that luxury later. The time to sell is BEFORE you really have to. If you wait 'til the last minute, you'll be selling at a deep discount.

Keep plenty of cash on hand so there's no paper trail. You'll need this for "emergencies." For starters, earmark $10K for attorney fees and court expenses. Expect to need more later.

YOUR JOB:

Now is a great time to consider career options. They may be offered at work, or you may have to be creative: early retirement; continuing education; sabbatical; voluntarily lay-off/termination. Collect unemployment, severance package, restructure your career path. Do anything to minimize gross pay and maximize time spent getting prepared.

Postpone raises and promotions (if possible). Get your employer to tuck away a percentage of your salary where it can't be touched. Think, "asset protection." The idea is to minimize child support and alimony payments. You can return to your career path when this is over.

You may want to cash out your retirement/401K. Your STBX is gonna get half. You may as well get the other half. Your "rainy day" is here.

I know this sounds like a lot. It is. There's a lot at stake. Remember, the war starts the moment you file. Once you file, all hell's gonna break loose. You'll barely have time to keep up with details that follow, much less play "catch-up" or track down any of the above.

Rule of thumb = Preparation means everything

LOCK AND LOAD!! NEVER GIVE UP!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

[Sharky]

4) As D-Day approaches:
a) Entice your STBX to voluntarily leave, WITHOUT THE KIDS. Bribe her if necessary.
b) While she's gone, clean out the house, take the kids, and file your court documents.

5) The moment D-Day arrives, you become "THE TERMINATOR."
a) You instantly change from Dr Jeckyl to Mr Hyde. No more Mr Nice Guy.
b) NEVER show mercy. Take no prisoners.
c) This is war!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

6) File your family court documents with the court clerk. Be sure the clerk date-stamps your documents. Then:

7) Go immediately to ex parte.
a) Get a temporary restraining order against your STBX.
b) Get temporary orders for "exclusive occupancy" of your house. That means your STBX gets gets evicted from your marital residence.
c) Get orders granting you temporary sole custody of your kids. Say she is unfit and a risk to the kids due to ___________ (you think of something).
d) Get temporary orders for supervised visitation.
e) Get orders for temporary child support and temporary alimony.

8) Give copies of your restraining order to the school, daycare, your employer, etc.
a) Notify anyone involved with your kids that you have a restraining order against your STBX.

9) Change all locks and alarm codes on your house and car.
a) Change passwords on everything, especially on bank and credit/debit cards. Deny your STBX access to any form of money.

10) Get a vicious dog that barks at your STBX.
a) That'll keep her from snooping around when you're not home.
b) Reward him to reinforce that behavior.

11) Get a new, unpublished phone number. Route all mail to a new PO Box.

12) Have your STBX's mail stopped.
a) Return her unopened mail to sender.

13) Remove your STBX's name from your health, life, vision, and life insurance policies.

14) Remove your STBX's name as beneficary from your retirement accounts.
a) Remove your STBX's name as beneficary from your will.

15) Inform companies with whom you do business that you want new passwords on your accounts; insurance, bank, etc. Instruct them that passwords must be used before releasing information or changing anything.

16) REMOVE ALL cash from joint accounts.
a) Close all joint credit card accounts.
b) If any accounts are in your name, but where she is authorized, cancel her.

17) Remove your name from the title and insurance for any car your STBX drives.
a) Remove her name from the title and insurance for any car you drive.
b) NEVER ALLOW your STBX to drive any car that is in your name.
c) NEVER be responsible for your STBX's driving behavior. From now on, she's a liability.

1 NEVER OFFER your STBX her clothes and/or personal necessities. Wait 'til she asks.
a) Make her sign a receipt for anything she takes. NO EXCEPTIONS!!
b) Store her personal belongings in boxes. Set them on the sidewalk where she can pick them up and leave immediately. More importantly, she'll have no reason to roam through your house.

c) Release her belongings ONLY if she signs a receipt, and ONLY if she has a police escort.

19) File charges and PROSECUTE your STBX for any domestic violence. DO NOT DROP any charges.

20) Inform your employer that you want your calls screened.
a) If your STBX calls, call the police and file a restraining order violation. DON'T EVEN THINK TWICE!!
b) Use your employer's receptionist is a witness.

[Sharky]

Ok. noone will ever read that, but send your buddy here and refer to it as "THE LIST"

If he wants to be a good dad and protect himself, this will help.

It might not all refer to him, but he doesn't want to lose time with his child... better to be safe than sorry:-)

www.dadsdivorce.com

[Due]

Originally Posted by Sharky

Ok. noone will ever read that, but send your buddy here and refer to it as "THE LIST"

If he wants to be a good dad and protect himself, this will help.

It might not all refer to him, but he doesn't want to lose time with his child... better to be safe than sorry:-)

www.dadsdivorce.com

Ahhh I see what you are saying, bury her in paperwork grap the kid and run!!!

disenfranchised spouse always try find dirt on other to get custody

[baddog]

Sharky, I have to ask, have you ever been thru a divorce? I have a couple times and assisted in many more.

Not once has a witness [other than the Petitioner or Respondent] ever testified. Like I said in the beginning, it depends on what state you live in.

[Peaches]

Originally Posted by baddog

Sharky, I have to ask, have you ever been thru a divorce? I have a couple times and assisted in many more.

Not once has a witness [other than the Petitioner or Respondent] ever testified. Like I said in the beginning, it depends on what state you live in.

My ex requested a jury trial and we had witnesses for both parties. GA is a no fault divorce state also. IANAL but I'm pretty sure either side has a right to have a witness if they want.

And remember, the mother might feel there IS a problem with the porn in the house with a kid around, father could have already exhibited irresponsibility in keeping the kid away from it, she could be leaving because of the porn and have very strong feelings against it, etc. The mother might actually be worried - not just using it as a divorce ploy.

[Abbie]

It didn't come up in my case, however, I have a son with special needs. My career in adult better pays for the specialized schooling, therapies, and more than my old career did. That's for damned sure.

Any smart parent knows it's just common sense to completely seperate your work from your household. Don't talk about it. Lock your office. Don't leave things around the house that can cause question. Etc. Etc.

[Rochard]

I know someone who was in the industry who went to a child custody related issue - a big one - and I was invited on the first day. Sure enough, in the first thirty seconds of speaking she said "he is a pornographer".

And the judge surprised me he said "I don't care what he does for a living unless it's illegal".

[Sarah_Jayne]

Thanks for all the help folks. I will make sure he sees it.