shwsrvcs

my ex just moved next door to me (at a mutual friends house) after leaving her next husband/losing the house/losing the car/giving up custody of our son to me. Now she wants me to kart her around to find a new job, place to live, and new car. I'm not an idiot, but we have a kid together that is living with me now (since things went downhill with her life).

My question is... how much am I supposed to do for this woman? I want her to do well, being the mother of my son and all, but, how far should I have to go? I spent the night at my office last night (LA) instead of in my bed (OC) as to not be woken up at 7AM (again!!!) and to avoid having to take her all over the place, before work, but I feel bad about that.

How far would you go to help your kid's other half in a long since divorced situation (9 years) and where do you draw the line? She wants to find a place locally and get her son back in her household and not be alone while she starts over.. I understand that... but he's very happy living with me now (he's 14).

Should I just let her bury herself and "die" or should I help her? My conscience says help, but, after all she has put me through, It stresses me out. I've had the best time since my son came back to live with me full time, it has made me more of a complete man, I'm not sure I want to give that up again.

What would you do in my situation?

DG

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truthless

Helping her out is one thing, but letting her move into your house and inconveniencing you is another. Set some boundaries and if she doesn't like them she can move. Having a loser mother around is worse for your kid than having no mother around if you ask me.

MrMaxwell

Let that loser bitch hang around and teach your child the same ways OR quit being the fall guy cleaning up after some other asshole who dumped her

stevo

I'm in a similar situation... Don't do it!!!

What if it takes her 6+ months to find a job. Are you willing to feed and drive her around for that long? She'll leech off of your ass for as long as possible.

Just loan her $500 to buy a crappy ass car and save yourself tons of hassle. Then if she desires, she'll get a job and work herself back up on her time and not yours...

Spunky

Always a tough call when kids are involved.you will never avoid them but you need to move forward too

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PersianKitty

Do you consider her a friend? If so, do no more or no less than you would for any other friend. Would you go out of your way in the same way for

Do you this situation having her so close and helping her sends a mixed message to your son? He's 14, I'd say talk to him about the situation. He's old enough to hear how you feel and make his own decisions about how he feels about it. Hopefully it's not in the back of his mind that having her near might mean you get back together (what kid doesn't kinda think that way).

If I were the woman in this situation, I don't see how I would ever even consider moving in next door to you. Unless.. she sees it as you'll do whatever she needs of you to get her on her feet and out of there. If that's the case, it's just wrong of her on so many levels.

In answer to your question "how much am I supposed to do for this woman?" the answer is zero. She's an adult. She's responsible for her own life and her own decisions, the path she takes and the situation she is in now (no home, no car, etc). Sure she is the mother of your son (although you say she chose to give up custody), but that doesn't mean you are bound to help her any time she needs it or wants it.

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shwsrvcs

thanks for all the input. I think I am going to have to cut her off. take her to court, switch up on the child support (I won't take any from her, just get mine cut off) , and make her find a solution for her situation like she did to me when we split up. If she comes back with a place to live, transportation and is local I may consider letting my son go back to live with her.. till then... I think I'll set the stove on simmer and see what gets cookin. When it was the other way around, I think she left me on boil... I won't be as cruel to her.

Thanks for your responses.

DG

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DefaultMan

Good luck DG. I hope everything works out for your son's sake.

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Mr Pheer

If you want to help her, then do it, but be sure to make it clear that you will not be expected or obligated to do it on a continuing basis.

If you dont want to help out, then just say hey we arent on that level of friendship anymore, sorry but you just have to find some other way, I have my own things that I need to do and I like my privacy.

Hopefully she can be adult enough to respect that.

shwsrvcs

Thanks for this message. One of things I am dealing with right now is my son not wanting to walk across the street to go see his mom. He and I have talked and he knows that his mother and I are not getting back together. She is humbled by what has happened to her but I'm not the person to beat her down further for my own benefit. I want my son's mother to be the pillar of stability that a mother should be. She doesn't want to be living next door to me, I don't want her to do that either. She wants to stand on her own two feet. It's tough I'm sure for a person to be twice divorced. She has no other children besides my son, so in many respects, I may be her last line of sanity and I would not like to be the person to push her over the edge of the cliff towards madness. I'd rather be a touchstone for her to be able to grab hold of and swing back up to better things. I know that for her, I don't have any responsibility, however, for our son, the responsibility is the most important thing that is. My son's mother will always be his mother and I will always be his father. It is what I show my son in this time that will ultimately be the legacy that I leave him.

I don't want to be the asshole that treated "that woman" badly and left her out there for the vultures.

I want to be the guy that was able to teach my offspring to take care of what is important (family) with no regard to spite nor retribution.

I have to think for more than myself in this situation. I have to think about how what I decide will lead my son in his future.

Tough...

DG

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PersianKitty

Glad you clarified for me. I guess I've been jaded a bit in my life by exes who were users. Sounds like you feel your ex doesn't fit in the category and that's a good thing.

I agree, it's a fine line you walk in this situation. How much to help and how it all works out for you and your son down the road. You sound like you have a very level head on your shoulders and are thinking about more than just tomorrow morning and where you have to drive her, etc.

I wish you the best in this.

PK

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fluffygrrl

Completely fuck her over under the guise of "helping".

The rules are very simple, far as I'm concerned. She started shit at any point in her life (ie, divorce), the only way out is a body bag.

Doctor Feelgood

i say get back at her and post her nude pics in here

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Manowar

sounds like a good, solid plan

Bojangles

Good decision making. Good luck, hope everything works out fine for you and your son.

MediaManiac

yep solid and the best thing to do in this situation..

the only thing i would help her with is the job if you know/find something so that she has a chance to build up things again..

good luck..!

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BucksMania

help the mother of your son, or your son may hate you later
if she stars to be too ignorant, talk to her and solve the problem

tranza

Tell her you would like to help in somethings, when you have free time. But not doing everything she wants you to do!

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selena

I think there is truth in this post.

You seem like a very thoughtful person, and I applaud you for trying to look at the big picture instead of thinking how to get back at an ex.

Whether or not he wants to walk across the road right now to see her, she is still your son's mother. The way he views the world will change, and he's watching you right now for clues on how to be a man. He'll remember how this plays out.

My suggestion would be to figure out what you can do for her $$$ wise, and then first sit your son down and talk to him. He's 14, he can handle hearing what you've got to say. Speak to him of your desire to help his mother so that she can be a stronger, more stable mother. Assure him that that doesn't mean he has to go back to her to live. You can fight custody down the road if you feel you should. But having her so unsettled is not good for your son, even if he doesn't realize it.

Then sit her down, and explain to her that as a one time deal, you are going to do xyz for her. Let her know the reason you are doing it...for your son. No need to go there in terms of what it was like for you after your divorce, imho.

Anyhow, that is my .02, and it will probably not be a popular view. But I cut the munchkin's loser ass dad a lot of slack because he is his dad, and I will never be able to seperate that. I don't do it for him, I wouldn't do anything for him on his own merit.

But I sure will for my son.

Best of luck!

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Tjeezers

yes best thing is to leave the past behind you, and not let it influence your choices now. You have a son, so you should think about him. Being a calm person, and forget the past is one of the things in life some people have to deal with.

If you always look back, would you not go crazy? If you still have some love left, then transform this love in a friendship. And let your son see you try to do the best thing possible, your his roll model. I am sure in the begin it will take some efford, but you get better of it also, when you see how calm you handle it, you will grow more and see options to blow the smoke curtain away you face now.

As soon she gets her life back together, you can step back again without regrets to yourself. Make sure you stay strong, people love strong people.

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PowerCum

1 ) Loan or give her some $$$ to buy a cheap car and whatever else she needs till she gets a work, so you don't have to drive her around. That will end being a cheaper solution that driving her around because probably your time is worth more than $1000.
2 ) Set the proper legal tramitations so you get the custody of your son while she cannot support him. Not via suits or stuff like, just a smooth and friendly tramitation where no one gets harmed. You are adults, solve that issue as adults. For now the best for your son is you to have the custody because you have the means to maintain him.
3 ) Remember she is your ex and you have a son with her, but that's all. So your duty is to help her enough so your son doesn't get screwed in all that situation.

That's the only good way to do it. all other ways will end screwing you both and your son in the process.

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sniperwolf

Wishing you all the best DG! You're such a good guy to think the best still for the sake of your son.

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AdultB2B

Since you're helping her, you need to draw the line and lay down the ground rules. No early morning wake up calls. You'll help her on your time, not hers. Not to take advantage of you, just because you have a kid together. Let her know that you'll continue helping her as long as she obeys the rules, otherwise she's cut off. Be nice, but don't be a fool. And she sounds too flakey to be trusted with your kid. If the kid is happy with you, let him stay with you, while she gets him a certain number of days a week, or every other weekend.

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