Joke Thread... Post em if ya got em

[SS396chevelleSS]

Ill start it out... keep em coming


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour,
sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it
on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs
calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says
sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know
that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the s! econd ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have

your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

[reynold]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month

[reynold]

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings

[reynold]

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA!
My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!

My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me!

If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh.

My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!

My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist tomes!

A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!

My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University!

My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!

If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!

Hemingway''''s lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big."

My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!

Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!

Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!

So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!

My genitals are comparable to Harvard University?s endowment - both are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are worthy.

[reynold]

last one here...

What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears?
Dinner at Hooters.

[hova]

[CDSmith]

Little Johnny is passing his parents'
bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water. Hearing
a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks
in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy,
can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not
asking more uncomfortable questions,
and seeing the opportunity not to break
his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and
gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[reynold]

hey SS396chevelleSS want more???

[Manowar]

Originally posted by CDSmith
Little Johnny is passing his parents'
bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water. Hearing
a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks
in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy,
can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not
asking more uncomfortable questions,
and seeing the opportunity not to break
his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and
gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[reynold]

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

[reynold]

New inventions by blondes

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

[reynold]

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.

[AGF]

Originally posted by CDSmith
Little Johnny is passing his parents'
bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water. Hearing
a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks
in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy,
can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not
asking more uncomfortable questions,
and seeing the opportunity not to break
his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and
gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

lol this one is funny

[AGF]

Top Ten Things Overheard In Line At The Clinton Book Signing


10. I've never been to a book signing at hooters before

9. Hey Gore, bring up some more books from the basement

8. Mr. President, do you know that woman under the table?

7. Could you make it out to Gennifer with a 'G'?

6. Look, Ken Starr...nah, I'm just messin' with you

5. This long line is the result of a vast right-wing conspiracy

4. Those aren't secret service agents - - those are Hillary's people keeping an eye on him

3. He's a lot more bubbaish in person

2. How come they're moving all the good-looking women to the front of the line?

1. I just pray he signs it with a pen

[AGF]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[AGF]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[AGF]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[Firehorse]

Thanks for the laughs!

[Firehorse]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." ~Author Unknown

[CE_BigB]

How do you tell it is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house...??








... when the big hand touches the lil hand !!!




BIG B

[Firehorse]

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~Bob Rubin

[Firehorse]

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~Robert Byrne, quoted in 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1988

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~Woody Allen

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ~Author Unknown

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown

[Firehorse]

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~Butch Hancock

My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. ~Erica Jong, Playboy Magazine, September 1975

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~Woody Allen

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~Elton John

[TheViper]

Great topic...






























FOR ME TO POOP ON!

(Triumph doggy dog)

http://gamefiles.blueyonder.co.uk/bl...WARS.NERDS.wmv

[Firehorse]

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

[Firehorse]

Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume? ~Richard Fleischer

[born4porn]

Originally posted by Firehorse
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." ~Author Unknown

lmao that's one of my favourites!

[Raf1]

Originally posted by CDSmith
Little Johnny is passing his parents'
bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water. Hearing
a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks
in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy,
can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not
asking more uncomfortable questions,
and seeing the opportunity not to break
his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and
gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[alexg]

Some nice jokes..

Blonde jokes are always funny

[kowntafit]

Thanks for the awesome jokes.

[Marcus Aurelius]

a woman calls her husbands doctor about his blood test results, hes been very ill lately and she's curious about whats going on. "Well mam, your husbands ailment has us puzzled he tells her, It's either Alzheimers or AIDS" Oh dear god she replies, thats horrible, in either case, what should I do?

The doctor pauses for a moment and tells the woman, well drive him out about a mile from your house and leave him. If he comes home, DONT FUCK HIM!

[sperbonzo]

A popular bar in Dade County, Florida installed a robotic bartender.

A fellow walked in, sat down at the bar, and immediately the robot walked up and said, "Good afternoon, sir. Do you mind telling me what your IQ is?"

The bewildered customer replied, "150."

Quickly the robot fixed him a very dry martini with a twist and began discussing nuclear physics, string theory, the European economy, etc.

Deciding to give this robot a real test, the customer finished his
drink, walked outside and came back in a few minutes later. This time when the robot asked about his IQ, the customer responded, "100."

Quickly the robot drew a glass of cold Bud, sat it in front of him and began discussing football, basketball, etc.

Again the customer finished his drink, walked outside and soon
returned to a seat at the bar. His answer to the IQ question was "50."

Quickly the robot popped a can of Old Milwaukee and asked, "So, as a Kerry fan, are you hoping he picks Hillary as his running mate?"

[TurboAngel]

What did one tampon say to the other?








Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

[Benja]

Originally posted by mdcq
a woman calls her husbands doctor about his blood test results, hes been very ill lately and she's curious about whats going on. "Well mam, your husbands ailment has us puzzled he tells her, It's either Alzheimers or AIDS" Oh dear god she replies, thats horrible, in either case, what should I do?

The doctor pauses for a moment and tells the woman, well drive him out about a mile from your house and leave him. If he comes home, DONT FUCK HIM!

[The Bootyologist]

[brickbat]

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.

"The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.

"The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

[Loki]

There was an American man that had meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

[Loki]

A young man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[Loki]

little billy was in the kitchen with his grandfather,

his grandfather was drinking a beer

Little billy says "Grand dad, can i have some of that please?

Grandpa says "hmmm, well billy can your dick reach your ass?"

Billy looks at grandpa puzzled and says "no"

Grandpa says well sorry bily you can not have any of this until your dick can reach your ass.

Next Day, Grandpa is in the livingroom smoking a cigar, little billy walks in and looks at grandpa and says "Grand dad, can i try that?"

Grandpa smiles and says "Well can your dick reach your ass yet?"

Billy frowns and says "No grand dad it can't"

Grandpa says, "Well you cant try this until your dick can reach your ass."

Later that afternoon grandma had bakes a batch of her famous penutbutter cookies and billy was in the kitchen with a nice plate of them, Grandpa walked in and saw the cookies and said...

"Billy are those grandma's penutbutter cookies?"
"Yup" aid billy smiling and stuffign his face "And their really good too!" billy added.

Grandpa walked tword billy and said "Billy can i have one of those cookies?"

Billy looked up at grandpa and said "hmmmm well, grand dad can YOUR dick reach your ass??"

Grandpa smiled a huge smile and said "Why yes indeed it can" and reached for the plate of cookies.

Billy swiped the plate away and smiled and said....

"Good then you can go fuck yourself these are MY COOKIES"

-Loki-

[Loki]

The stages of sex

Anytime Sex: When you first meet and fuck like rabbits

Creative Sex: When youv'e been together awhile and try to spice things up a bit.

Timed Sex: When your married for a bit and you got to work it in between your work hours.

Kids Are Asleep Sex: Nuff Said

Hallway Sex: when you pass eachother in the hallway and say "FUCK YOU"

[Loki]

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.
A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"
The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

[Loki]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn?t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: ?My friend is dead! What can I do?? The operator says: ?Calm down, I can help. First, let?s make sure he?s dead.? There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ?OK, now what??

[Loki]

Ok last one from me lol


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's direct marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.
That's telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's public relations.

You keep doing all the above and one day, you're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's BRAND recognition!!

-Loki-

[axelcat]

[TheLegacy]

shortest joke in the world =




























Baby seal walks into a club

[Marcus Aurelius]

a little boy was walking down a dirt road with his cat ...about every 20 feet he would stop, eat some M & M candy, bite the cat on the ass, and keep walking, this continued down the road for quite a ways until he started passing a house where an old man sitting on the porch saw this strange activity and called out to the boy, "BOY, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?" he questioned,

I'm playing trucker the boy replied, Playing trucker the old man asked confused.

Yeah, Popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the road.




(its stupid, but it was funny when I heard it )