Braincash Fred

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. She has said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

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Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to best follow them.

-1- When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

-2- I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
her?

-3- I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

-4- Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

-5- I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

-6- A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

-7- Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

-8- Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

-9- I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

-10- My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton & polyester blend). He tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24: 10-16). Couldn't
we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20: 14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
~ Jack

Joe Sixpack

Great stuff. Very funny!

Hamlet

thanks for the post - i love shit like this

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noshit

Good shit

mastamindz

I had to sit and listen to my girlfriends friends email about God and lambs or some shit. When I decided to read this to her she didnt want to hear it.

Fuck you stupid ass religious people. If your going to preach your religion on billboards and TV commercials. Then you should be able to sit for 3 minutes and listen to humourous writings about your religion.

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Sunshine McGillicutty

Funny, a bit dated tho

PornAddict

Great post! It was very much enjoyed.

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JTW

We seem to be reverting to the days of the Salem witch trials. Why do these people get any credence at all? I wonder where humanity would be if we could just put all of this silliiness behind us. Instead, people are afraid to move forward, and we cling to the traditions of old.

dickblast

why the fuck u dating her then? doesnt sound like she even lets you tag it. dump her and go find a better slut my friend

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rdunn404

Yeah! And answer me this someone. If Adam and Eve were the first humans and had two sons, are we all products of incest? And when Cain killed Abel and went off to another town and found a wife and family....wait a minute where did those muthafuckas come from? Enquiring minds wanna know!!

mastamindz

Read my post again

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mastamindz

The bible is bullshit. Some guy with to much imagination wrote it.

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Spoonie Luv

excellent

Seems that some people have problems letting go of mythology - just look at Tenessee and the creation/evolution legal battles.

tygergoddess

I'm from middle TN and let me tell you, the schools here are like in the 19th century. When I was in elementary school, there were groups of church ladies who would protest us being taught evolution. The result? It was all kind of "hurried" over, Darwin was Satan, they would say... it's kind of funny now that the same shit goes on and they want prayer in schools... Here's an idea...

Let's teach all our kids about "individual responsability", teach them that they, not some invisible man the the sky, are responsible for making their lives better and getting what they want. Instead of prayer, let's teach hard work, motivation, pride (oh, I forgot, that's sinful!), respect for others who deserve it and for other races, religions & beliefs. I've never known anyone to get anything by sitting and waiting for it with your hands clasped, never happened to me!

Anyways, the south is a seriously fucked up place. I live in a somewhat suburban area, too... but there's places around here with only 4 last names & it's seriously like "Deliverance". I'm not the least bit racist either, but there's a town up the mountain from here I wouldn't take any of my black friends to. I swear, if a black person goes to a store there, the locals will stop, turn & stare!

True story, I had been to a party in Nashville with friends and had on fishnets, thigh high red boots, a plaid bastard school girl skirt and a black goth shirt. I'll admit, I looked out of place going into the gas station for a six pack, but when Mr. Bible Thumper followed me out to the Yukon, I'll admit I got pissed. He thought I was a hooker and wanted to get a date, lol. I had to laugh, he was the youth pastor at the church my dad goes to, he didn't recognize me since I bleached my hair. I told my dad, he yelled at me for being dressed like that, what did I expect to happen?

FYI, my dad also believes dinosaurs never existed because they aren't mentioned in the bible, that we never walked on the moon, we are the center of the universe, there are no other planets out there, god created us and that was it. I tell him that big screen TV in your front room wasn't in the bible either, do you believe in it and he just leaves the room. Both my parents think I'm a heathern devil pagan because I dare to question the bible.

From someone who knows, religious people suck... not all of them, but most of them. A more inbred, intolerant bunch of fucks I've yet to meet. It's like the hymn, "onward christian soldiers", aren't christian's supposed to be peaceful and turn the other cheek, that's what Jesus claimed and they can't even listen to their poster boy? What the fuck??

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Tyger Goddess

[Labret]

One guy wrote it uh? Tell me more.

Exxxotica

Duh? Didnt you know that Jesus wrote the bible?

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Spoonie Luv

let it all out, TG

dimonka

LOL

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rdunn404

I saw on CNN about a week ago they were interviewing top pastors at various churches asking should we go to war with Saddam. I mean 'thou shall not kill' doesn't have amendments does it? It was funny how they tried to dance around the issue to still be politically correct but still uphold the Bible.

tygergoddess

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Sly_RJ

No, I don't think you're right. I don't think the Bible says they were the FIRST humans. I'll have to double check, I'll ask my family at Thanksgiving.

[Labret], can you fill us in?

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volante

Bill Hicks RIP



A lot of Christians where crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant. "Hey Jackie, just thinking of John."


I did that joke in Alabama, and these three rednecks met me after the show. "Hey buddy, c'mere. Hey Mister Comedian, c'mere." Yeah, I love that move (makes shoving motion) "C'mere!" Not a physics major, I think that's a safe bet. "Mister Funnyman, c'mere. Hey buddy, we're Christians and we don't like what you said." I said, then forgive me.


That's another good thing about Bush being gone, man, cos for the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush, we have had fundamentalist Christians in the White House. Fundamentalist Christians who believe the Bible is the exact word of God, including that wacky fire and brimstone Revelations ending, have had their finger on the fucking button for 12 years. [Eyes roll back in head] "Tell me when Lord, tell me when. Let me be your servant Lord."


Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the bi.., er, the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God. What the..? Based on what? I asked them.


"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages - 12 thousand years." Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.


"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."


Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in. He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man. I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be.. fuckin' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha." [mimes God burying fossils] "I am God, I am a prankster." "I am killing Me." You know, You die and go to St. Peter... "Did you believe in dinosaurs?" "Well, yeah. There was fossils everywhere" Thuh [trapdoor opens] "Aaaaaaarhhh!" "You fuckin idiot." "Flying lizards, you're a moron. God was fuckin' with you!" "It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!" "Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"


You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.


They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..." I have never been that confident.

[Labret]

Its an odd story, I have heard it explained several different ways.

Genesis states Adam, after he had begotten Seth, lived eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters. The Torah does not say exactly how many sons and daughters that Adam and Eve had produced. And in the 800+ years that Adam had lived, nobody can say how many offspring he had produced and spread around the countryside. The children mentioned in the Torah took spouse from the land of Nod. Those can either be offspring of Adam, or not. Nobody is quite sure. If you take it literally, you have no choice but to believe that to be true. It is not uncommon in the Torah for relatives to wed. I believe Abraham had married his half sister. Incest did not become a taboo until Leviticus was handed down.

The Torah also mentions that in the days of old, there existed the Nephilim. A race of giants that were the offspring of the "sons of light" and human females. Which could explain the existence of others as well. Eliminating the incest argument.

Christian Identity / British Israelism explains it this way. Adam, roughly translated, means... "man who shows blood in the face". Meaning an individual who can blush. Which translates into white people. To them, Genesis explains the bringing about of the first "white man". The true child of god. Who cares about the other godless brown monkies that roamed the area.

Do with it what you will. I did it no justice, it is a far deeper topic historically and theologically than anyone here could possibly do it justice.

How are you going to explain this to people who think its just some story made up by a guy a few thousand years ago, and have them understand? Not gonna happen.

eru

Tie every fundementalist, racist christian up and give me a shotgun. I'll have some fun.

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Sly_RJ

I've learned long ago that it's impossible to make anyone understand anything logical at GFY. But it's entertaining to argue about it anyway...

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eru

I have a strong inkling that Labret is Jeebus reborn.

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jammyjenkins

save me jeebus!!!

jammyjenkins

seriously labret, you own an arsenal of guns, are tattooed up to the hilt, 'somewhat' anti-zionist, have a hard drive full of extremely hard gay porn (with a few animals thrown in I guess) ... and you know FAR too much about the religious texts

I'll say one thing -- you're not run-of-the-mill

Probono

Dear Jerry,
I am writing to you to clear a few things up.

First off, you were quoted as saying that I promote a lifestyle that goes against your beliefs. If promoting peace and acceptance is wrong, then I don't want to be "right".

It seems like you think I have a gay agenda, but I am not a gay man, although I have been reading about sexuality, and think that I might be a lesbian, because I like to do all of the things that lesbians do.

Now you seem to have trouble understanding the Bible. Let's clear things up here. In Exodus 31:15 it says to kill anyone who works on saturday (the sabbath). This is in the bible. There are three explanations for this:

1. God wants us to kill anyone who works on saturday.

2. God wanted us (at some point in time) to kill anyone who works on saturday.

3. The bible was written by men to control the behavior of others.

Guess which one is the choice of most Americans?





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Sly_RJ

Why? Because he's educated and has interest in having REAL conversations and actually knowing what the fuck he's talking about?

You're right. What an idiot.

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jammyjenkins

Huh?

how is my post in any way disparaging?

It's truthful, and I'm just having a bit of fun

I may not agree with him, but at least he backs his opinions up with evidence (more often than not). That's why 99% of the 'opinions' on this board are a waste of space. Since they are just that. Opinions.

rdunn404

Interesting. So If Adam was the first man created in God's image, then some of us are not 'children of God' if there were others roaming around outside of Eden's paradise. So who's to say who is a true descendent of Adam and therefore the 'chosen' people?

Sly_RJ

I misunderstood your post. I apologize.

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jammyjenkins

No need to apologize! I wasn't offended, just puzzled. ;)

[Labret]

Depends on who you ask.

According to some, the biblical flood wiped away all the filth and left only Gods chosen. So we all are (technically). Some people have since turned away from the covenant obviously.

Christian Identity will say that the 12 Tribes of Israel (after they were dispersed) fled north into Europe. So people of European descent are the true children of God. Everyone else, children of Satan.

The Coptics will give you a different story, the Jews will give you an entirely different story, and obviously Islam puts forth its own story.

Really. Am I the only one who went to Sunday school and payed attention?

jammyjenkins

I wish he *didn't* have the hard drive of hard gay porn though. The amount of times his posts have put me off my breakfast...

jammyjenkins

or perhaps the only one to pay attention

you don't need to know what you're talking about as a christian to be judgemental you know ;)

and they must be right, since god is on their side

funny, that's what al quadi (sp?) says too

PerfectionGirls

Spent 30 years of my life wasting away in that bs fundlamentaist BS.

I love this post! lol!

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[Labret]

I admit, I have an unfair advantage. It was my major until the U dropped the degree program. So it ended up my minor. I have more than just a passing interest in the subject matter.

[Labret]

What I find so ironic is that you all are on here bashing Christians. When all of that above comes from the Torah.

You are all a bunch of anti-semites.

jammyjenkins

well, that's a guaranteed statement to create a 5 page thread

jammyjenkins

shit though, you must have really paid attention, and the fact that you still remember it

the only people that have such knowledge of religious texts are usually religious themselves

[Labret]

These texts, the stories, these myths, that you all sit on here and bash are the foundations of our societies. Most of the worlds major conflicts can be traced to an underlying theological conflict. How can one ever expect to understand the Klan if you dont first understand where they are coming from? How do you possibly think you can begin to understand Muslim extremists if you do not understand Islam?

I will never understand the mindset of an individual that will sit there and say that everything is just bullshit made up stories, worthy of no kind of study. Yet they will sit and bitch about Christians and Muslims. How can you bitch about something that you know nothing about? Half the people on here think they are doing a good job bashing christian fundamentalism when they have most of their facts wrong or taken out of context. How can you successfully bash a Christian when you have never even read the bible? How can you bash a Muslim when you have never cracked the Koran? Would you talk shit to a math genius when you cant even do algebra? The ONLY way you are going to successfully counter a christian, a jew, a muslim, is by using their own scripture against them. Something I have seen very few of you ever attempt to do.

If you have no historical or theological perspective, you will understand nothing. And you are doomed to die ignorant.

Religion is probably the most important subject a person can attempt to tackle. Everything else will come and go. Mans search for God has always been, and always will be. It is the single most powerful motivating force in history and has had more written about it than any other subject known to man.

It will not be reduced and condensed by some gallery making slapdicks on a message board.

rdunn404

You ever thought about becoming a preacher? Or at least a cult leader?

Nismo

homer owns in the 2k2

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Spoonie Luv

It's quite easy, actually.