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Discuss what's fucking going on, and which programs are best and worst. One-time "program" announcements from "established" webmasters are allowed.

 
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Old 08-23-2006, 03:59 PM   #1
SteveLightspeed
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Important Newbie Tips

It would be fun to teach newbies all bad habits during a newbie seminar:



1) Be wild and obnoxious all the time, this is the porn industry, not church!

2) Don't take no for an answer, ask 50 times if you have to!

3) Fondle all the girls, they love the attention!

4) Tell everyone whatever they want to hear. We expect you to exaggerate!

5) Run with new ideas, don't waste precious time thinking about them. You gotta beat your competition to the market!

6) Do lots of cocaine and ecstacy, together with pot and alcohol. You gotta fit in!

7) Be sure to tell the experienced webmasters stuff you think they are doing wrong. They need honest feedback to keep them on their toes!

8) Ask us to invest in your most hairbrained ideas -- we have too much money and need tax writeoffs!

9) Icq us at all hours, day or night, just to say "hi". We get so lonely!

10) Always remember that YOUR traffic is gold, and if we want it, we should prepay!

11) All sites really convert at 1:100 or less. Any company showing worse from your traffic should be outed immediately on the boards for shaving! Don't warn them first either!

12) Remember, your board name is enough to carry any new program, so start your own company as soon as you can!


Damn why do these seem to write themselves?
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Last edited by SteveLightspeed; 08-23-2006 at 04:00 PM..
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:00 PM   #2
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steve!!!
you were supposed to hold off on these for the newbie seminar at the WYPD

!
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:00 PM   #3
TurboAngel
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You're silly!


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Old 08-23-2006, 04:00 PM   #4
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I can think of a couple people that have followed these suggestions to a tee

www.juliablue.com
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:02 PM   #5
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Steve, there are old schoolers who still have not mastered that list.

Should be re-titled "How To".

He he

;-)
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:06 PM   #6
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www.midgetarmy.com

cory has somethin alot like this on his blog.. a good read as well
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:06 PM   #7
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You forgot : Post fake stats on the board.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rayadp05 View Post
I rebooted, deleted temp files, history, cookies and everything...still cannot view the news clip. All I see is that fucking gay ass music video from "Rick Roll". Anyone else have a different link to the news clip?
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:07 PM   #8
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I'm concentrating on mastering #6 before moving on to the other tips.
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:08 PM   #9
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That reminds me of my top-10 rules on how to run a successful affilate program:

10. Treat your affiliates like they're lucky to be sending you traffic
9. All surfers are suckers: it is your job to remind them
8. Start a war on every board and flame everyone that replies
7. Hire/fire your sales staff on a weekly basis
6. Go to every show, get wasted at every party and disrepect everyone you meet
5. Act like Internet porn is a get-rich-quick scheme, not a "real" business
4. Promise your surfers whatever it takes to get them to join
3. Don't waste time delivering what your promised
2. Keep your cross-sales in the fine print where they belong
1. Always remember: YOU ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING PIMP. THE WORLD IS YOUR BITCH.


B
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:11 PM   #10
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LOL don't forget to tell them about Jesus Cash
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:11 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed
It would be fun to teach newbies all bad habits during a newbie seminar:



1) Be wild and obnoxious all the time, this is the porn industry, not church!

2) Don't take no for an answer, ask 50 times if you have to!

3) Fondle all the girls, they love the attention!

4) Tell everyone whatever they want to hear. We expect you to exaggerate!

5) Run with new ideas, don't waste precious time thinking about them. You gotta beat your competition to the market!

6) Do lots of cocaine and ecstacy, together with pot and alcohol. You gotta fit in!

7) Be sure to tell the experienced webmasters stuff you think they are doing wrong. They need honest feedback to keep them on their toes!

8) Ask us to invest in your most hairbrained ideas -- we have too much money and need tax writeoffs!

9) Icq us at all hours, day or night, just to say "hi". We get so lonely!

10) Always remember that YOUR traffic is gold, and if we want it, we should prepay!

11) All sites really convert at 1:100 or less. Any company showing worse from your traffic should be outed immediately on the boards for shaving! Don't warn them first either!

12) Remember, your board name is enough to carry any new program, so start your own company as soon as you can!


Damn why do these seem to write themselves?
I'll take #6 Steve Good shit
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:13 PM   #12
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i love you steve
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:13 PM   #13
Joanna | JOKEREMPIRE Inc.
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i am a newby !!

ahmm now should i say thanx for tips?
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:13 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed
2) Don't take no for an answer, ask 50 times if you have to!
Nooooooooooooooooo !!!!!
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:14 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna | JOKEREMPIRE Inc.
i am a newby !!

ahmm now should i say thanx for tips?

follow them to a tee
and you will be very successful
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Contact me today for anything you need!
[email protected]
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:15 PM   #16
GT-Omar
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I'm a newb....Steve is successful.......I will listen!!!

Page, printed, and pasted to the head board
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:15 PM   #17
kristin
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Dang ... I guess I'm a newb then Steve...

9) Icq us at all hours, day or night, just to say "hi". We get so lonely!

Jerk. ; )
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:16 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

7) Be sure to tell the experienced webmasters stuff you think they are doing wrong. They need honest feedback to keep them on their toes!

9) Icq us at all hours, day or night, just to say "hi". We get so lonely!
Okay I'll cop to using 7 and 9 as my primary means of pretending I do any work at all in this business.
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:22 PM   #19
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[16:14] xxxxxxx: i haven't had to bug you in awhile and i kinda missed it ; )
just wanted to say hi
[16:14] Steve Lightspeed: http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showthread.php?t=647688
[16:15] xxxxxxx: thanks for #9
[16:16] Steve Lightspeed: hahaha
[16:17] xxxxxxx: jerk.
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:25 PM   #20
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lol nice one Steve
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:26 PM   #21
Bama
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Here's a few more

13) Even if the mailman is late it's your sponsors fault. Run to the boards and bitch about how slow they are to send you your $35.00 check
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:32 PM   #22
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Did you write that yourself?
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:33 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed
It would be fun to teach newbies all bad habits during a newbie seminar:



1) Be wild and obnoxious all the time, this is the porn industry, not church!

2) Don't take no for an answer, ask 50 times if you have to!

3) Fondle all the girls, they love the attention!

4) Tell everyone whatever they want to hear. We expect you to exaggerate!

5) Run with new ideas, don't waste precious time thinking about them. You gotta beat your competition to the market!

6) Do lots of cocaine and ecstacy, together with pot and alcohol. You gotta fit in!

7) Be sure to tell the experienced webmasters stuff you think they are doing wrong. They need honest feedback to keep them on their toes!

8) Ask us to invest in your most hairbrained ideas -- we have too much money and need tax writeoffs!

9) Icq us at all hours, day or night, just to say "hi". We get so lonely!

10) Always remember that YOUR traffic is gold, and if we want it, we should prepay!

11) All sites really convert at 1:100 or less. Any company showing worse from your traffic should be outed immediately on the boards for shaving! Don't warn them first either!

12) Remember, your board name is enough to carry any new program, so start your own company as soon as you can!


Damn why do these seem to write themselves?
I´m afraid I can´t help you in most cases. But I can offer you an easy solution for your tax problem #8.
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:34 PM   #24
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Those are great!
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:37 PM   #25
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I will use this as my bible from now on. Check your ICQ, I just said "Hi".
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:48 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tranza
Did you write that yourself?
Steve doesn't even wipe his own ass these days. He's got people who do it for him.

This was written by one of his 'post team' in Manilla. He's got three guys who consult on his library of posts when he DID post and they make up stuff in his 'style'.

It's a great operation, if you can afford it. I think iWebmaster handles it and they charge a few k a month.

None of the big boys write their own stuff anymore.
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:54 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmy-3-way
Steve doesn't even wipe his own ass these days. He's got people who do it for him.

This was written by one of his 'post team' in Manilla. He's got three guys who consult on his library of posts when he DID post and they make up stuff in his 'style'.

It's a great operation, if you can afford it. I think iWebmaster handles it and they charge a few k a month.

None of the big boys write their own stuff anymore.
Shhh, stop telling people about my staff of ass-wipers....
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Old 08-23-2006, 04:56 PM   #28
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13) Any girl is a good candidate for a sologirl site. And you don't even need any money, you can pay for everything from the first month's profits!
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Old 08-23-2006, 08:43 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed
[16:14] xxxxxxx: i haven't had to bug you in awhile and i kinda missed it ; )
just wanted to say hi
[16:14] Steve Lightspeed: http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showthread.php?t=647688
[16:15] xxxxxxx: thanks for #9
[16:16] Steve Lightspeed: hahaha
[16:17] xxxxxxx: jerk.
*Cough, Cough*

I think a "line" or two got left out of this convo. ; )
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Old 08-23-2006, 08:52 PM   #30
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Steve Lightspeed wisdom always hits home on GFY
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Old 08-23-2006, 08:53 PM   #31
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Lawd gospel, thank you.
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Old 08-23-2006, 08:56 PM   #32
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14) Don't worry about making business cards! There is lots of scrap paper to be found at a convention, or anyone will be happy to loan you a pen so you can jot down your info on the back of one of their cards. They will admire your thrifty resourcefulness!
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Old 08-23-2006, 09:02 PM   #33
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HAHA Nice Post Steve!









* now sorry I ever contacted you to say HI!
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Old 08-23-2006, 09:02 PM   #34
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Awesome tips.
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Old 08-23-2006, 09:14 PM   #35
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Oh wise and wonderful porn interweb guru, let me say that as a newbie who just started in adult online in 2000, that I wish to thank you for your magnificent list, since it validates everything I having been doing.

I shall now hotlink the following graphic and see if I am rewarded yet again with the coveted special red "x" excellence in achievement award...



ADG Webmaster
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Old 08-23-2006, 10:18 PM   #36
minusonebit
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Man, I have been slacking!
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Old 08-23-2006, 10:33 PM   #37
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That's a nice list.

What's your ICQ number?
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Old 08-23-2006, 11:34 PM   #38
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Always post on Boy Alley and JDL's thread.
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Old 08-24-2006, 12:31 AM   #39
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uh-oh... seems like i'm not gonna fulfill the 6th rule... I've got shitty allergies on alcoholic drinks
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Old 08-24-2006, 12:50 AM   #40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed
It would be fun to teach newbies all bad habits during a newbie seminar:



1) Be wild and obnoxious all the time, this is the porn industry, not church!

2) Don't take no for an answer, ask 50 times if you have to!

3) Fondle all the girls, they love the attention!

4) Tell everyone whatever they want to hear. We expect you to exaggerate!

5) Run with new ideas, don't waste precious time thinking about them. You gotta beat your competition to the market!

6) Do lots of cocaine and ecstacy, together with pot and alcohol. You gotta fit in!

7) Be sure to tell the experienced webmasters stuff you think they are doing wrong. They need honest feedback to keep them on their toes!

8) Ask us to invest in your most hairbrained ideas -- we have too much money and need tax writeoffs!

9) Icq us at all hours, day or night, just to say "hi". We get so lonely!

10) Always remember that YOUR traffic is gold, and if we want it, we should prepay!

11) All sites really convert at 1:100 or less. Any company showing worse from your traffic should be outed immediately on the boards for shaving! Don't warn them first either!

12) Remember, your board name is enough to carry any new program, so start your own company as soon as you can!


Damn why do these seem to write themselves?
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Old 08-24-2006, 03:15 AM   #41
FunForOne
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You should stop allowing new people to sign up and promote your program.

That will solve your problems. Right?
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Old 08-24-2006, 03:49 AM   #42
VicD
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You've got a message, Steve
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Old 08-24-2006, 04:03 AM   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baddog
I can think of a couple people that have followed these suggestions to a tee

www.juliablue.com
hmmmmm...
I followed those:

1) Be wild and obnoxious all the time, this is the porn industry, not church!

2) Don't take no for an answer, ask 50 times if you have to!

3) Fondle all the girls, they love the attention!

5) Run with new ideas, don't waste precious time thinking about them. You gotta beat your competition to the market!


7) Be sure to tell the experienced webmasters stuff you think they are doing wrong. They need honest feedback to keep them on their toes!


9) Icq us at all hours, day or night, just to say "hi". We get so lonely!

10) Always remember that YOUR traffic is gold, and if we want it, we should prepay!


12) Remember, your board name is enough to carry any new program, so start your own company as soon as you can!

but saved this for my retirement:


6) Do lots of WINE and ecstacy, together with pot and alcohol. You gotta fit in!


...but I don't fir in with the usual Florida retirement crowd
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Old 08-24-2006, 04:44 AM   #44
pussyluver
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Steve, I've got some things to run past ya, what's your cell phone number?
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Old 08-24-2006, 09:18 AM   #45
Lance69
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I knew I was doing everything right!
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Old 08-24-2006, 09:51 AM   #46
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Steve, thanks for letting me know what not to do.
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