Deepai

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

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Maxy

Sorry I had to.

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Deepai

had to hotlink?

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Taboo

I started reading and couldn't stop...

.

J-$

OMFG this shit is too funny - lol @ the law and order joke

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Moraxian

This is a scream! Great post...

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EviLGuY

That is just too funny. It starts off slow but by the end I was really laughing out loud.

fuzzylogic

thx.
i appreciate that.

Screaming

You learn something new every day.

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Machete_

long time since i laughes do much

Mr Pheer

.... and he is still in amazing shape to be almost 70 years old

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2 lifeguards for Jessica

Why

this one made me laugh

Violetta

This thread made me laugh hard!

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Big Red Machine

Chuck Norris for President....lol
He'll round house kick the terrorist

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Radiate

me too, I just couldn't stop

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chadglni

Ahahaha who the fuck wrote that please? I want more!

Deepai

I'm trying to figure out the same thing. Them shits is hillarious.

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1orglaugh

Who the fuck is Chuck Norris

PornAddict

Seriously... this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read. I was almost doubled over from laughing. Great post!

- PornAddict

Rob

A lot of these are laugh out loud funny!!! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, thanks!

On a side note, I actually trained at the same Gym that Chuck did when he trained in Korea. He trained there years before I came along but they had his picture plastered all over the place and the same person who trained me trained Chuck.

So no more shit talking, I'll just round house kick you in the face!

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u-Bob

Lol .

Red Ezra

nice list

Deepai

twerd... who knew chucky could be soo god damn funny.

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Skillz Unlimited

lmao! - good stuff

jayme_

quantum-x

LOOK OUT CHIO!

has anyone seen our pirate lately.. has he met w/ a redhead death?

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Brent_Moe

This thread rocks even without the pics!

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Alex

I cant believe he is 65

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Chichio

hahahaha "The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. "

that's fuckin' funny.

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sickkittens

I read a few and laughed. I will continue later.

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PixeLs

Gawd, I knew it Red Bull tastes really weird!!! LOL

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Taboo

yeah, that was a great line.

Doctor Dre

Have you guys read the vin diesel one ?

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Spunky

Lol..that was good..Chuck is the man

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Chuck Norris

Vin Diesel... Schmin Diesel.

"Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and even Chuck Norris' dick's dick is bigger than your dick... and Vin Diesel's."



- Chuck

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Vin Diesel

Chuck, you know I'd beat your ass into a pulp. Bitch.



If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."


Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.


Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.


When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.


Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.


You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.


Vin Diesel can divide by zero.


Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.


In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.


Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

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If you rearrange the letters in my name it reveals my credo: "I End Lives."
Vin Diesel

georgeyw

hahaha - now that was definitely worth the read! thanks

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"I would STILL suck her pussy until her face caved in. And then blow her up and do it again!"

Alex

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Skillz Unlimited

This is one of the best posts in a while

J-$

LOLLLL
"Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding."

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reed_4

Chuck is still my idol action superstar.

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Love Sex

now that round house kicking funny shit

Taboo

i like to start the morning off with a good luagh:

- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".

- In Texas the new death penalty is a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris.

- Why does the Earth rotate? Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

- The dinosaurs were not killed by a comet. Chuck Norris destroyed the comet before impact. He then yelled "Psyche!" and proceeded to kill every dinosaur with his roundhouse kicks

- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter. And he'll roundhouse kick your ass if you say otherwise.

- Chuck Norris can swallow a quarter and shit out 2 dimes. There is a 5 cent charge for this.

- If Chuck Norris ever catches Tom Cruise jumping on his couch, he'll receive a roundhouse kick to the face.

- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

- Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Vitasoy

haha that was great.

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Deepai

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Taboo

see what you started? great post, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

There's a randomizer for Mr. T too:

- Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

- A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand of Mr.T is a deadly weapon in 17 states.

- Revolving doors were invented to keep Mr. T from kicking them in all the time.

- Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

- Mr. T survived a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. He was the first and only one to do so.

- If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.

- When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

jibba jabba motherfuckers!

.

PimpDaddyPants

Lol Ahaha

See Sig Guys!

GlydeGirl

Reading all that funny stuff is a great way to spend a few moments!

Vin Diesel

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.


In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.


Vin Diesel invented the black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.


Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.


-Vin

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If you rearrange the letters in my name it reveals my credo: "I End Lives."
Vin Diesel

Ramos

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

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