Joke thread Post your best jokes

[KMR Stitch]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?





If we don't get support soon we are going to look like nutz

[sniperwolf]

lol.. okay nice one

[Spunky]

Groan...I wish I could remember some better ones

[ProjectNaked]

I'm balls deep in this guys ass and I go to give him a reach around and he's TOTALLY HARD!....I'm like what a fag!

[CDSmith]

In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) The American thought - "That fucking Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon--so I can smack that stupid American again."


:D www.jokesbee.com

[KMR Stitch]

----------hahahahahahahahahahahaha=)

[OFFBEAT]

Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and prostitute?



A: The facial expressions during the nailing.

[Miss Vlasta]

Once there was a woman who was deeply in love with a mysterious man. Then one night she got him all alone in his office and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't. So the woman took off her top and screamed meow meow look at me now!!, but he didn't. So the woman look off her pants and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't. So the woman took of her bra and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't.So the woman took off her g-string and screamed meow meow look at me now!! one last time. The man then turned around and yelled woof woof i'm a poof!!.

[Downtime]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated woman hadn't moved. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so . TRAY UP BIZNATCH!


A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."

Why can't Helen Keller read?
Because she's a woman.

Why can't Ray Charles read?
Because he's black.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
Because he doesn't know he's black.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

[naugthygUrL]

Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, "I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, 'cheese' and 'liver.'"

The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love cheese and liver."

"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh, I hate cheese and liver?"

The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"

The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

[Miss Vlasta]

another good one

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

[CDSmith]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $ 20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that
his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to
find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of
deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest
stockholders in the bank.

She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these
holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
But finally he found his voice and blurted out:
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


:D www.jokesbee.com

[webcrawler]

Sand trap
Pinocchio complains to his father saying ?Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.? His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his knob down whenever he needs to. A few days later during dinner his father asks, ?How are the girls?? Pinocchio replies, ?Girls? Who needs girls??

[AcidMax]

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 road construction workers in a room together?









100 people that don't do dick.

[AcidMax]

There are 3 blondes in a car on their way to Disney Land. While they are driving they see a sign that says....

DISNEY LAND - LEFT


So they turned around and went home.

[cool1]

Two Winnipeg core area residents, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite
bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I¹m tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college
and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it¹s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of
admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English,
history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you have a
yard."

"That¹s true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves
to meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English,
history and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

[Nylz]

Originally Posted by Downtime

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated woman hadn't moved. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so . TRAY UP BIZNATCH!

Why can't Ray Charles read?
Because he's black.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
Because he doesn't know he's black.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Oh shit those are great!

I use to say stuff like that, when people aren't listening or something:

Is it because I'm black? or..
Is it because I wear glasses?

(fyi I don't wear glasses and I'm white ;))

[CDSmith]

Q: What's 40 feet long and smells like piss?


A: A conga line at the old folks home.


Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on
a bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said,
"Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."
Greg Said, "Really! Like a baby!?"
To which Sam replied...
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit myself."



:D www.jokesbee.com

[Nylz]

Originally Posted by CDSmith

Q: What's 40 feet long and smells like piss?


A: A conga line at the old folks home.
[/url]

I know one like that, but with bald people

I'm not gonna tell it here coz it's VERY harsh

[CDSmith]

Originally Posted by Nylz

I know one like that, but with bald people

I'm not gonna tell it here coz it's VERY harsh

Don't hold back. This board is very tolerant of "harsh" :D

[Nylz]

Originally Posted by CDSmith

Don't hold back. This board is very tolerant of "harsh" :D

not this kinda harsh... seriously.. LOL

[VKLS Lutz]

LOL nice ones! Ok., here are two from me. Quite old but I like them.

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
,the other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"


One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

---

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

[webcrawler]

Originally Posted by VKLS Lutz

LOL nice ones! Ok., here are two from me. Quite old but I like them.

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
,the other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"


One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

---

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

[CDSmith]

Originally Posted by Nylz

not this kinda harsh... seriously.. LOL

Bah.... let it fly man. Live on the edge.

[Gunni]

Q: What's the difference between BSE (Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy) and PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome)?

A: One is the Mad Cow Disease, the other one is an agricultural problem

[CDSmith]

This one's old but I love telling it....


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest one, square in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma, nailed her six ways to next week and she is GOOD, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, BOY, your grandma liked it. She squealed like a naked bitch in heat!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."



:D www.jokesbee.com

[Platinum Red]

2 guys walk into a bar






Witch is kind of funny cause you think after the first one walked into it the second one would have seen it!