I need Screenplay Critics! Chapter 1 of my script! - GoFuckYourself.com

Xster · 12-06-2004, 12:15 AM

Please if you have a moment to read the first chapter of my screenplay and give me a few comments or ideas, id really appreciate it! Thanks.

I am in the pre-production stages of a DV film called "Townies" which is being shot in boston March 2005.

It is about crazy Irish gangsters. The clowns in the first chapter were inspired by one of my favorite films "The Warriors".

http://www.towniesmovie.com/

http://www.towniesmovie.com/Townies-...ing-Around.pdf

kane · 12-06-2004, 02:08 AM

I thought it was pretty good. The only part that had me wonder is why the two lookout guys started doing cartwheels and were really acting like clowns even when they were killing the guy. to me it seemed like that was too much of an effort to make them look crazy, but maybe it fits in somewhere down the road.

good luck with the project. I shot a couple of short films a while back. It's a lot of work but pretty cool to see your ideas alive on screen.

Xster · 12-06-2004, 02:47 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by kane
The only part that had me wonder is why the two lookout guys started doing cartwheels and were really acting like clowns even when they were killing the guy. to me it seemed like that was too much of an effort to make them look crazy, but maybe it fits in somewhere down the road.

Well i could of had the look-out clowns just dart into the woods and brutally murder the Jogger but instead I thought it would be somewhat humorous and creepy to have the clowns put on a little show first. It was also to show how "amateur" his gang can be during serious situations.

It all does fit in later on when Mickey comes to a point where he must decide to stay with his crew or move up the mobster ranks to a more disciplined and serious money making Irish crew.
Thanks for the compliments!

Paul · 12-06-2004, 06:16 AM

The Warriors was an excellent film !! Good luck with your project Xster

VIPimp · 12-06-2004, 01:21 PM

I want a role in this, where do i audition?

also error on the site, where it says look at life OR irish gangters, should be OF i think.

Young · 12-06-2004, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Xster
Please if you have a moment to read the first chapter of my screenplay and give me a few comments or ideas, id really appreciate it! Thanks.

I am in the pre-production stages of a DV film called "Townies" which is being shot in boston March 2005.

It is about crazy Irish gangsters. The clowns in the first chapter were inspired by one of my favorite films "The Warriors".

http://www.towniesmovie.com/

http://www.towniesmovie.com/Townies-...ing-Around.pdf

Xster, Boston here too... if you need a good looking guy to hook up with one of the mobsters daughters hit me up! I like to see things get done in Boston.

I'll be back with some constructive criticism

Young · 12-06-2004, 02:00 PM

Did you mean to potray these guys as first funny and somewhat likeable one second....to cold blooded killers the next? Because the 180 the script takes in the first 5min when that guy is killed with the knife is going to set the tone for the whole movie. Little jokes aren't going to go over so smoothly.

Maybe leaving that guys fate open until the end of the movie would be better way of going about it. Or maybe later.....it is brought up in conversation.

If your attempting to make these guys look cold blooded for the next 100 pages than mission accomplished.

If not....then don't show the killling on screen. Refer to it later in the script.

Something like...
----------------------------------------
"So what did you guys do with that runner"
responds by:
motions towards his neck with cutting motion while laughing.
----------------------------

oh and excellent work.

codymc12 · 12-06-2004, 03:20 PM

I thought it was good. The only critique I'd offer is to watch the dialogue in terms of keeping the speaking style consistent.

There were a few times (mainly with 'Mickey') that he seemed to go from a more laid back, 'bahstan' kind of talk to more proper english.

Eg "There is an extra large sweatshirt" would probably be something like 'there's a extra large sweatshirt'. Or his 'blend in with the dark' statement.

Niggling little point, but it threw me off just a tiny bit each time I ran into it while reading.

12-06-2004, 12:15 AM	#1
Xster Registered User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Boston Posts: 577	I need Screenplay Critics! Chapter 1 of my script! Please if you have a moment to read the first chapter of my screenplay and give me a few comments or ideas, id really appreciate it! Thanks. I am in the pre-production stages of a DV film called "Townies" which is being shot in boston March 2005. It is about crazy Irish gangsters. The clowns in the first chapter were inspired by one of my favorite films "The Warriors". http://www.towniesmovie.com/ http://www.towniesmovie.com/Townies-...ing-Around.pdf

12-06-2004, 02:00 PM	#7
Young Bland for life Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 10,468	Did you mean to potray these guys as first funny and somewhat likeable one second....to cold blooded killers the next? Because the 180 the script takes in the first 5min when that guy is killed with the knife is going to set the tone for the whole movie. Little jokes aren't going to go over so smoothly. Maybe leaving that guys fate open until the end of the movie would be better way of going about it. Or maybe later.....it is brought up in conversation. If your attempting to make these guys look cold blooded for the next 100 pages than mission accomplished. If not....then don't show the killling on screen. Refer to it later in the script. Something like... ---------------------------------------- "So what did you guys do with that runner" responds by: motions towards his neck with cutting motion while laughing. ---------------------------- oh and excellent work. __________________ ★★★ Last edited by Young; 12-06-2004 at 02:04 PM..

12-06-2004, 02:08 AM	#2
kane Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: portland, OR Posts: 20,684	I thought it was pretty good. The only part that had me wonder is why the two lookout guys started doing cartwheels and were really acting like clowns even when they were killing the guy. to me it seemed like that was too much of an effort to make them look crazy, but maybe it fits in somewhere down the road. good luck with the project. I shot a couple of short films a while back. It's a lot of work but pretty cool to see your ideas alive on screen.

12-06-2004, 06:16 AM	#4
Paul Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 2,637	The Warriors was an excellent film !! Good luck with your project Xster

12-06-2004, 01:21 PM	#5
VIPimp Marina WILL have my babies! Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 9,234	I want a role in this, where do i audition? also error on the site, where it says look at life OR irish gangters, should be OF i think.

12-06-2004, 03:20 PM	#8
codymc12 Confirmed User Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 719	I thought it was good. The only critique I'd offer is to watch the dialogue in terms of keeping the speaking style consistent. There were a few times (mainly with 'Mickey') that he seemed to go from a more laid back, 'bahstan' kind of talk to more proper english. Eg "There is an extra large sweatshirt" would probably be something like 'there's a extra large sweatshirt'. Or his 'blend in with the dark' statement. Niggling little point, but it threw me off just a tiny bit each time I ran into it while reading.