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$200 worth of free content to the guy who tells the best joke
That's right, the competiton ends Tuesday or when I piss in my pants with a great joke.
Content can come from any of our stores. www.paulmarkham.com www.bargainbasementcontent.com www.videocontentstore.com |
A guy walks into a bar and he's like "ouch"
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you owe me shut the fuck up |
a content provider spams on here and says shit is $19.95 for 200 gigs of content, then you see the poster is SOBEE.
that should do it. |
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:1orglaugh :1orglaugh you're new here and still you're tearing it up :thumbsup |
10k coming soon.
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So far no one has come near. Not only the best joke, but it has to be a good one as well. |
Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?
cuz they taste funny !! |
One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, ?penis? written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find ?penis? on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: ?The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.? |
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A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off.. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey. " The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it? |
how are women like kfc? when you are done with the breast and thigh, all your left with is a greasy box to throw your bone in.
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Tommy and Jenny have been going out for a long time but have not done anything yet.
After going together for 2 years, they decide that they should get married. So Jenny tells Tommy that he should meet her parents. And that since they are going to get married, Tommy should buy some condoms as he's gonna get lucky after the "meet the parents" meeting. Tommy being a virgin, goes to a pharmacy and ask a cool dude about condoms. The dude tell him that he should try the "Nexio" brand and buy some lubricant too, they joke about what Tommy will do to his girlfriend, the dude tells him to get her drunk and do her up the butt. Tommy laughes and says that he's gonna buy some bananas too. He even tells the pharmacy dude that after he fucks his girlfriend, he'll probably dump her. Finally the big night arrives and Tommy and Jenny are standing in front of the parents door, as the door opens, Tommy is introduced to his girlfriend mother, and then the father comes along and looks at Tommy funny, Tommy turns to Jenny and says: "Hey, you did not tell me you father was a pharmacist.....:1orglaugh :1orglaugh |
the best joke?
look in the mirror... yeay I win bitch pay up |
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:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh |
Six year old Debra was walking her dog when she passed
the temple where she and her family attended services. As she approached her Rabbi came out the temple door and said, " Shalom Debra, I see the tooth fairy visited you again." "Yes Rabbi, and she left me a dollar under my pillow." said the six year politely. She then said, " Rabbi have you met my dog Porky?" The old Rabbi chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him Porky." She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't." He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so big and fat." Debra shook her head. "No Rabbi, we call him that because he fucks pigs." |
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awwww Brit humour should help me win this hands down...so here goes..
i was sitting in a bar last nite with a friend of mine ,and he commented ,how the week before his wife had all her credit cards stolen....wow,bet you were pissed huh,i said did you report it i added, Nope my friend replied i didnt ....why not i said , he replied ... well it seems the person who stole them is spending a lot less than when my wife had them hehehehe |
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better. |
An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not too much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her, and guaranteed it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked it it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well-behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone was quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Everyone turned around to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarassment. All the next week she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church services. The parrot understood so next Sunday she put him on her shoulder and went to church. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Again the woman ran out of the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution to her,,,,"If the parrot does that again, grab him by both legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times, then return him to your shoulder". "That'll work?", asked the woman. "Guaranteed!", exclaimed the owner. So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and. sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!". Without hesistation, the woman grabbed his legs and swung him around half a dozen times and returned him to her shoulder. A second later the parrot shook his head and said, "It's pretty fuckin' windy, too!" |
Theres this midget that walks into a bar. He looks at the bartender and he tells him "gimme a mans drink!"
Baretender says OK, and gives him the strongest whisky in the place. The midget jumps off of the bar stool, runs to the end of the bar, and kicks the shit out of the biggest guy in the place. The midget comes in the next day, he says to the bartender "gimme a mans drink!" Baretender says OK, and gives him the strongest whisky in the place. The midget jumps off of the bar stool, runs to the end of the bar, and kicks the shit out of the biggest guy in the place. On the third day, the bartender was starting to catch on. So he went out and bought himself a gorilla and chained it to the urinal in the bathroom. When the midget walks in, and asks for a mans drink, the bartender gives him the strongest whisky they had. When the midget asked the bartender "Wheres the big guy at the end of the bar" the bartender told him that he went into the bathroom So the midget jumps down, goes to the bathroom and all you hear is all kinds of noise coming from the bathrooms. After a couple minutes, the midget comes out and says "I don't know about him, he got a bit tougher -- but you can tell that black guy his fur coats outside" |
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitchs. :glugglug |
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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making
love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!" |
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I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. |
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click here for more http://www.paulmarkham.com/bitmaps/2992.gif The best so far. |
One day George W. Bush dies and goes to hell.
He's standing with the devil and the devil says "You know, I like you so I am going to give you 3 choices on what kind of torture you want" George says ok I can handle that. So they are walking up theis long hallway and they come to a door. The devil opens the door and there stands Ross Peroe chained up getting his ears stretched as far as they will go. George says "Naw I really don't like this one, my ears are big enough let's try the next one." So they walk a little further and the devil opens another door. It's Al Gore chained up getting whipped by a guy in a leather mask. George says "Naw I really don't like pain, I don't want this one either." So they walk even further and the devil says "Lasy shot Dubya or I choose for you" The devil opens the door and it's Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Monica's sucking Bills dick. So George says "HELL! I can handle this one for eternity" The devil smiles and says "Ok Monica you can leave!" |
Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
''Nice pigs, sir!'' ''Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea.'' ''Nice trade, sir!'' |
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Joe |
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.
''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.'' |
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
''I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?'' ''I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.'' ''Pasteurized?'' ''No, just up to my tits.'' |
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class
the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants." |
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, ''You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.'' Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, ''Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.'' George Bush Senior says, ''Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.'' The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, ''I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.''
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MRS RHODES
Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first. "We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her." "What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?" As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow." |
An old Polish man is lying on his deathbed in his humble home. As the last minutes of his life go by, the old man smells a most wonderful smells that causes him to sit up in bed. He smells his wife's pierogies being cooked.
The old man cannot believe it. He's overcome with emotion. "What a sweet wife I have. 37 years of marriage, and as I lay here on the verge of death, she makes my most favorite meal." Summoning every last ounce of his strength, he climbs out of bed, slowly and painfully makes his way down the stairs to the kitchen. When he walks into the room, he's greeted with the most wonderful site. Laid out on the table are dozens of his wife's pierogies, with all the trimmings. He blinks his eyes a few times and pinches himself to make sure he hasn't died and gone to heaven yet. Blinking back tears as he's marvels over how wonderful his old wife is, he reaches over to take a bite of what will very well be his last meal. Just as he grasps the delicious pierogy in his hand, his wife smacks his and hard with a wooden sppon. She looks at him and says "What do you think you're doing? Those are for the funeral!!" |
I just met your lookalike, i can swear it was you. I scream your name, but you just ignored me, and keept fiddle with your ass and eating your banana!:Kissmy :banana :banana :banana :Kissmy
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Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo- geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot! "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can borrow her if you want" So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Oh SHIT! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener! |
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ?" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" |
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong? |
If Operating Systems were Airlines
DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera. WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning. MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie. OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying. WINGS of OS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors! UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there. |
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered ornaments from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Drink another beer then get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink large tumbler of whisky to take away pain. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13. Tie the little bastards front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, pry cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How to give a dog a pill: 1. Wrap it in bacon. |
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:1orglaugh
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I'm not a guy, do I still count?
:) |
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