100 best jokes

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead-he remembered
dying, and the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He
wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It looked like marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing
before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother
of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a
man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir" the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in too?" the traveler
asked.

"I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back towards the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long
walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road that
led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.

There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that
couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate and
sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then gave
some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward
the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked

"This is Heaven." was the answer.

"Well that's confusing." the traveler said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they
screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind".

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared!

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape
after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT
good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to
cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along
with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that friggin' map again."

The town's sheriff is walking down the
street and sees a blonde cowboy coming
down the walk with nothing on but his
cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he
arrests him for indecent exposure. As
he is locking him up, he asks "Why in
the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this
Sheriff... I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home
with her... so I did. We go inside and
she pulls off her top and asks me to
pull off my shirt... so I did. Then
she pulls off her skirt and asks me
to pull off my pants... so I did. Then
she pulls off her panties and asks me
to pull off my shorts... so I did. Then
she gets on the bed and looks at me
kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town,
cowboy"..... .....

And here I am."

Never under estimate the little old Lady.....
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The
little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 and 10:30 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

:1orglaugh

NICE :thumbsup

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended!

ok there are my entries.... LMAO

(Must be read with and Italian accent)

One day ima gonna
Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only
one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the
toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I
don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress
brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna
fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no
understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not
fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my
room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the
manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He
say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to
the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I
say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to
Italy.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?

What is the true definition of innocence?
A nun working at a condom factory who truly believes she is making sleeping bags for mice

:evil-laug :drinkup :Graucho :Kissmy :Hollering :eek7 :eyecrazy

One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking
tea and having crumpets.

The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"

The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book,
too!"

The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"

So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of
World Records.

When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I'm in the record book!!"

The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"

The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on his face.

"What's the matter?", his friends asked.

The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Juicy?!?!!" :Graucho


Sorry Juicy. You know your loved. :thumbsup

a banana and a vibrator are on a sexy ladies Nightstand:
the lady is pleasuring herself and begins to moan...
discussing the situation, the 2 begin to talk,boasting how they
would conclude her primal urges. "oh Ya I will shake until she
goes bezerk..." "Thats Nothing"replies the Banana....
"she wants something she can taste"... Suddenly the ladies
Voice pitch changes.... reaching to the nightstand she needs more
to fulfill her desires... Looking at the Vibrator the banana screams
" what the fuck are you shaking for? Shes gonna eat me!"..
:1orglaugh :thumbsup

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 ? Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 ? A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 ? Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 ? Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 ? Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 ? Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 ? Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.

Judge # 1 ? Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 ? A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 ? Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 ? Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 ? Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ? Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 ? 1 felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT ? just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 ? Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 ? Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 ? Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 ? My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 ? Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 ? Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 ? The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 ? My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 ? A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 ? Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 ? You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 ? The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 ? This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

A guy brings his car in to be worked on at the garage. The mechanic can see that he is depressed and asks him what is wrong. The guys states; "I have a mentally retarded daughter and I have hired the greatest teachers from all over the country to try and get her to learn anything, but they have all failed."

The mechanic thinks it over and tells the man that he should leave the daughter with him for one week and he guarantees he can teach her something or he will cover the costs for the work on the car. The man agrees and brings his daughter over.

A week passes.

The man returns and asks the mechanic if he had any success. The mechanic is very proud and indicates for the father to watch.

The mechanic says "wrench" and the retarded girl goes and picks up a wrench and says "wr..e.n..ch...". The father is amazed and asks the mechanic if she can do anything else. The mechanic says; "hammer" and the retarded girl picks up the hammer and says "h.aa..mmm..eerr". The father jumps for joy and startles the retarded girl and she drops the hammer on the mechanics foot and he yells "FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". The father then sees the retarded girl pick up something and she says "Paa..pper Bagg" and places the bag over her head.


Its funnier if heard and not read, but oh well.

Wiggles

It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush."

:1orglaugh

Some very good jokes here, maybe I will give another one of these away.


click here for more
http://www.paulmarkham.com/bitmaps/2992.gif

lol .. some jokes are very funny :)
I will add a joke in later on...

The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often
helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He
spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the
restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but
figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his
solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the
side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath to
pose as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the
privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He
closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer
to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept
his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's
busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well
check your brakes too while you're down there because your
truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!:thumbsup

A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was
riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light
next to a Police Officer on a horse.

The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that
new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"

"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of
your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you
there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police
Officer.

The little boy replied "Yes Sir".

"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.

"Yes", said the Officer.

"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.

"Yes he did!" said the officer.

"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the
dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet.
But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed
that it was occupied.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he
uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were
labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.

The man's curiousity got the best of him and he started
pressing the buttons one by one.

When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really
have it made.

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle
breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought
this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.

This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the
last button marked ATR.

When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse.
"What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I
was in the new ladies' room on a plane."

"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a
great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for
AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained
substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win
the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the
show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as
her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I
wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to
sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage
tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her,
"It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car
keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?"
Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back
soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting
a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get
tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried
excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the
male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and
the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who
was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart,
and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to
sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as
Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied
correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz
show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could
feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host,
after reminding the audience of the previous days' events,
faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male
anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six
seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I,
uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host,
"CONGRATULATIONS!!"

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She
dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I
know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags !"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken,
proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car
and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the
ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her
why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or
five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore
himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of
the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car
jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than
5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large
handgun.

A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and
orange hair. An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and
the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever
do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah,
one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

Mrs. Philbert is teaching her class about
multiple-syllable words. Little Johnny is
in the back of the classroom, bored as usual.

"Now words like bike, cheese and shoe only have
one syllable. Does anyone have an example of a
word with 2 or more syllables?"

Little Johnny raises a hand and is called on.
He stands up and says "Autoeroticism."

That's a word with more than one syllable." Impressed, the
teacher repeats the word,
"Autoeroticism! Wow Johnny! That's a mouthful!"

Johnny rises quickly from his chair and says,
"No. Autoeroticism is masturbating. What you're
thinking of is a blowjob!"

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.


:winkwink:

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw
Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of
Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and
whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my
Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately
went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond
Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it
was
easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was
all I could do to hold the Snicker and Krackle as my
Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started
to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my
Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I
blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the
old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little
Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't
you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O'
Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She
screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!"
as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her
Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N'
Plenty, when all the sudden . . . my Starburst! Yeah, as luck
would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a
Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out
popped . . . Baby Ruth!

A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip
and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written
her e-mail address, he did his best to type it
in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his
note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this
note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

P.S.: Sure is hot down here.

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Man: "Have I shown you my magic watch?"

Woman: "No, what does it do?"

Man: "It tells me you are not wearing any underwear."

Woman: "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
underwear!"

Man: "Hmm... It must be an hour fast."

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the
store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

:1orglaugh great joke.

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps."One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

These three guys were stranded on this island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound guy came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo."

The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. I choose bongo."

The big guy takes him aside and they start banging it right there.

The second guy sees this and doesn't think it looks so bad so he also chooses bongo. Then two 550 pound guys come out of the bushes and they get it on right there.

The third guy is disgusted by this, so he chooses death. After saying this, fourteen 550 pound guys come out of the bushes screaming "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"

Creation of Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a hahahaha.

There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.

They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.

One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"

They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .

They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .

The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.

She took him into her barn and said to get started.

He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.

Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.

Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .

The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

Swedish Student

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."