I'm glad you liked my girlish joke.


:winkwink:

A young man was in the backyard fooling around with his
new girlfriend on a very dark night.

After a short time, he offered to eat her pussy....
and she gladly dropped her knickers.

About 20 minutes later, he looked up at her with his
glazed face and said, "I really like you a lot, but
you have the hairiest pussy I've ever eaten!"

"I'm not surprised that you feel that way," she said.
"You've been eating the lawn for the last five minutes!"

soukee
Good joke buy too long.

OK lets have some comments from others on what's a good joke, we can make this a pole.

I'm off to ride my bike.

Long but cool:-)

I like my women the way i like my whiskey... 16 years old and full of coke

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

:helpme

Walking through John Muir woods, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. He asks, "Just out of curiosity,what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You've gotta be kidding."

"No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, okay .."

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it. The other man immediately slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this man
handcuffed to the tree naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was regaling his plight, the newcomer is shaking his head in sympathy, circling him. When the handcuffed man is finished talking, the second man walks around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says,

"This just isn't your day, is it, Sugar?"

A seal walked into a club...

q. whats the fastest thing in the world

a. an ethiopian with a mcdonalds coupon

cmon...its a joke

Oh, grooooan.... :1orglaugh and yet, :helpme

Farmer Joe had a problem - his chicken ranch was without a rooster to keep the population growing. So, he inquired from his neighbors if any of them had a rooster he could buy or borrow for a time.

One of his fellow chicken ranchers responded and offered the services of his best rooster - Brooster the Rooster. He warned him though that Brooster was notoriously horny and to protect the rest of Farmer Joe's livestock.

Next day, Farmer Joe gets up only to find that Brooster is fucking all the pigs. A few hours later, he spots Brooster fucking the cows.

Distraught, Joe corners Brooster and cautions him that if he keeps up this pace he'll be dead by morning. Brooster ignores him and continues to find more animals to fuck.

The next day, Joe wakes up to find Brooster laying spread eagle in the middle of the yard aparently dead from exhaustion with buzzards circling above his lifeless carcass. Joe shakes his head and mutters "I told you if you didn't stop this manic fucking it would kill you, Brooster!"

Brooster opened one eye and whispered "SHHHHHH! They're about to land!"

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, " Dark in here."

The man says, " Yes it is."

Boy - " I have a baseball."

Man - " That' s nice."

Boy - " Want to buy it?"

Man - " No, thanks."

Boy - " My dad' s outside."

Man - " OK, how much?"

Boy - " $250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom' s lover are in the closet together.

Boy - " Dark in here."

Man - " Yes, it is."

Boy - " I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, " How much?"

Boy - " $750."

Man - " Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, " Grab your glove. Let' s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, " I can' t. I sold them."

The father asks, " How much did you sell them for?"

The son says " $1,000."

The father says, " That' s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I' m going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, " Dark in here."

The priest says, " Don' t start that shit again."

I like mine, short and sweet.


:winkwink:

what do you call a fat chinese person?

a chunk

why does the mexican olympic team suck so bad?

because everyone in mexico that can run, jump, or swim is already in the US.

Top Taliban Porn Sites

Maybe you heard the news. The FBI is investigating reports that Osama Bin Laden may actually be using porn sites on the Internet to send coded messages to members of the Al Qaeda network here in the U.S. This of course brings several questions to mind. First of all, isn?t it supposed to be a really big sin if these guys look at porn? And second, which sites does Osama use to get his messages out? We?re not sure about that first one but we have researched and uncovered the top 5 porn sites visited by Al Qaeda network members:

#5. Bare Burka.com
#4. Al Show You My Qaeda.com
#3. Hide In My Cave.com
#2. Shake Your Tali-bon bon.com
#1. Ji-STRING-had

:)

A paper bag goes to the doctors.

The doctor says sit down I have bad news for you.

The paper bag sits down and asks what the bad news is.

The doctor says "as you know we have been doing tests on you, and we have got the results back. it turns out you have aids".

Aids, says the paper bag. How can I? I'm a paper bag.

The doctor says, it was your parents. They were carriers.

A young man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Handy Phrases For Traveling in the Middle East

A few handy phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

Iraq Jokes

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
A: Two days.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What is the Iraqi air force motto?
A: I came, I saw, Iran.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their air force.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

What's got 2 legs and bleeds?































Half a dog.

That's the worse joke yet. :1orglaugh

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?



















A: Fsh



:Graucho

Not anymore :1orglaugh

Q: How do you get a cow to bark ?





















A: Get back home totally drunk at 4:00AM.
:glugglug

How do you make a hormone?


























Kick her in the guts.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
































Nothing, you've already told the bitch twice.

Whats the difference between my Greek Grandmother and a Catfish?
























One's fat, smells funny and has whiskers.....



























The other one is a fish.

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?
Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder?
Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is?
I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see?
I built that pier with the sweat off me back.
I nailed it board by board.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder?
Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

:Graucho

In 1993,the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it.After 1 year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study,France decided to do their own study.After 3 years of research and $250,000.00,they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland,unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.After 2 Weeks and a cost of $75.46,they concluded that the head was bigger, to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.

Bumper Stickers for the Bush 2004 Campaign

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind

Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough

Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative

Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention.

Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast

Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil

Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!

Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!

George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There

George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency

Don't think. Vote Bush!

More Trees, Less Bush

It Takes a Village Idiot

One Person, One Vote (*May Not Apply in Certain States)

What did one lesbian frog say to another?

They're right! we do taste like chicken!

An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion.

The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans. They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went Home for Lunch.

what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

full.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."







Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!"

Texan: "Where are you from?"

Canadian: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

whats a ghosts favorite meal? Spoogettie

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.

So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment".
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied;

2. There was plenty of heat; and

3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

Bush's Brain Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

An American Indian boy goes to his chief seeking wisdom...

"Chief Beaver Tail, how are babies named in our tribe?"

The chief chuckles. "Well, when a baby is born, the parents might see an eagle flying in the sky, and so name him 'Swift-Eagle'. They might see a deer running through the meadow, and so name him 'Leaping-Deer'. Do you understand?"

The boys thinks for a moment and nods his head. "Yes".

"Now why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh