Sieze the Day! (new joke) - GoFuckYourself.com

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 12:49 AM

I had a near death experience when I was a teenager, and it CHANGED MY LIFE. It taught me that there is NO PROMISE of TOMORROW, so live EVERY DAY to its FULLEST! Don?t put ANYTHING off, go for your DREAMS with PASSION and ENERGY... like TODAY might be the LAST DAY of your LIFE; because someday, IT WILL BE!

Do you know how EASY it is to pick up 35-45 year old women with that BULLSHIT line?

?You know how you?ve always wanted that ONE CRAZY NIGHT of AMAZING SEX, where EVERYTHING is PERFECT and ANYTHING GOES and all your WILDEST FANTASIES COME TRUE? Well, what are you waiting for, CHRISTMAS? You?re not getting ANY YOUNGER here! Do you really think all those things will be BETTER if you wait until you are SIXTY? You need to learn to OPEN THE DOOR for ?MR OPPORTUNITY? when he KNOCKS! Holy shit, SEIZE THE DAY WOMAN!!!"

But then, a GAY GUY who OVERHEARD all that ran over to me, and said "Well, HELLO BEAUTIFUL!!!"

Mutt · 10-23-2008, 12:57 AM

haha - late night is when the jokes come easiest

mrwilson · 10-23-2008, 01:12 AM

haha

so would you put out for the gay guy in that situation? :D

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 02:10 AM

I asked my friend if he thought I would be funny doing stand-up comedy. He said he could tell just by talking to me that I have a HIDDEN TALENT. Wow, I didn't know you could tell someone LOVES TO LICK PUSSY just by TALKING to them!

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 02:27 AM

I have had a lot of different experiences in my life, so when I wanted to change careers I thought maybe I should try TEACHNG. But what kind of class am I qualified to teach?

- A class I would call “Steve 101 - How to sit around your house smoking pot and watching cartoons all day”.
- Steve 201 - How to beat off 5 times a day to internet porn, between smoking pot and watching cartoons all day”.
- Post-Graduate “Steve” courses – “How to hide from your wife, while beating off 5 times a day to internet porn, between smoking pot and watching cartoons all day.”

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 02:30 AM

I was at the bar, and the bartender said "Last call, are you boys almost done?" I said, "No, I don’t think so. I still have to drive home. And there will be a police chase, and my arrest, then the night in the drunk tank, probably meet a new “boyfriend”, then my arraignment, and a lot more shit after that. And I'll probably be paying off my legal bills for about 10 more YEARS!

So NO I’m not even CLOSE to being "ALMOST DONE". I think it’s going to be a long night; I’m going to need another drink!

I can't wait until the day that cars can just drive themselves, completely automated.... think about it, no more drinking and driving! You just jump in and tell it where you want to go, and it does the rest. But I STILL won’t be able to get my car HOME from the BAR. Because it doesn't seem to know where "fi-sheven-none none, phooorrtie shecond shhhtreet" is.

Bojangles · 10-23-2008, 02:49 AM

Hahahah nice

WinstonTriplexcash · 10-23-2008, 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

"fi-sheven-none none, phooorrtie shecond shhhtreet" is.

Hahahaha, I saw your stand up, kudos man!

Bojangles · 10-23-2008, 02:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by winstonNichedsites

Hahahaha, I saw your stand up, kudos man!

I checked out the video. Was pretty cool. There's nothing like being onstage.

Spunky · 10-23-2008, 06:21 AM

Heh heh,that was good for a chuckle

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 09:20 AM

I invited my friend who is a recovering alcoholic to my party last week. He asked if I could make sure we had some non-alcoholic beer for him.

Then I realized I should be more prepared for guests like him. So I'm going to need to get some non-THC marijuana, some non-cocoa leaf cocaine, and some non-MDMA ecstasy.

But forget that! They can SMOKE my FERN, SNORT my BAKING SODA, and POP a BLUE BIRTH-CONTROL PILL for all I care! If they want to QUIT something, then QUIT COMING TO MY PARTIES!

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 09:21 AM

I just read that they are banning the sale of Ivory on EBay. That is ridiculous! I guess Proctor and Gamble is really cracking down. But what kind of an IDIOT would buy SOAP on EBay anyway?

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 09:25 AM

Before we had kids, I was worried that my wife and I had different views about parenting. I was raised very liberal and she was raised conservatively. I imagined what kind of issues might come up.

“Well kids, if it was up to ME, you could have COTTON CANDY, and POPCORN, and ICE CREAM for dinner EVERY NIGHT, but…. MOMMY is such a BITCH! But she's not trying to be mean to you. She loves you very much. She's a BITCH to DADDY too!"

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 09:26 AM

I got a new boss at work, but I didn’t know the guy. My friend said “He is going to be your worst nightmare.” I said, “Holy shit, you mean the one about when I’m walking around at the mall in nothing but my wife’s underwear?”

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 09:27 AM

I bought a black car, but they wouldn't let me have "NGA PLZ" as my license plate. The woman at the DMV said they felt it was racial and inappropriate. I said, "Are you discriminating against me because I'm GAY?” ‘NGA PLZ’ stands for 'No Girls Allowed Please!’ ---- I can't believe that black bitch thought I was being racist, NIGGA PLEAZE!!!"

Tam · 10-23-2008, 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

I have had a lot of different experiences in my life, so when I wanted to change careers I thought maybe I should try TEACHNG. But what kind of class am I qualified to teach?

- A class I would call ?Steve 101 - How to sit around your house smoking pot and watching cartoons all day?.
- Steve 201 - How to beat off 5 times a day to internet porn, between smoking pot and watching cartoons all day?.
- Post-Graduate ?Steve? courses ? ?How to hide from your wife, while beating off 5 times a day to internet porn, between smoking pot and watching cartoons all day.?

rotfl
Now that is some classes I'd love to be a mouse in ahole and watch.

Warren · 10-23-2008, 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

I was at the bar, and the bartender said "Last call, are you boys almost done?" I said, "No, I don?t think so. I still have to drive home. And there will be a police chase, and my arrest, then the night in the drunk tank, probably meet a new ?boyfriend?, then my arraignment, and a lot more shit after that. And I'll probably be paying off my legal bills for about 10 more YEARS!

So NO I?m not even CLOSE to being "ALMOST DONE". I think it?s going to be a long night; I?m going to need another drink!

I can't wait until the day that cars can just drive themselves, completely automated.... think about it, no more drinking and driving! You just jump in and tell it where you want to go, and it does the rest. But I STILL won?t be able to get my car HOME from the BAR. Because it doesn't seem to know where "fi-sheven-none none, phooorrtie shecond shhhtreet" is.

Thats was very good!

SteveLightspeed · 10-23-2008, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Warren

Thats was very good!

Thanks, I wrote that one on my way home from a bar.

10-23-2008, 12:49 AM	#1
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	Sieze the Day! (new joke) I had a near death experience when I was a teenager, and it CHANGED MY LIFE. It taught me that there is NO PROMISE of TOMORROW, so live EVERY DAY to its FULLEST! Don?t put ANYTHING off, go for your DREAMS with PASSION and ENERGY... like TODAY might be the LAST DAY of your LIFE; because someday, IT WILL BE! Do you know how EASY it is to pick up 35-45 year old women with that BULLSHIT line? ?You know how you?ve always wanted that ONE CRAZY NIGHT of AMAZING SEX, where EVERYTHING is PERFECT and ANYTHING GOES and all your WILDEST FANTASIES COME TRUE? Well, what are you waiting for, CHRISTMAS? You?re not getting ANY YOUNGER here! Do you really think all those things will be BETTER if you wait until you are SIXTY? You need to learn to OPEN THE DOOR for ?MR OPPORTUNITY? when he KNOCKS! Holy shit, SEIZE THE DAY WOMAN!!!" But then, a GAY GUY who OVERHEARD all that ran over to me, and said "Well, HELLO BEAUTIFUL!!!" __________________ Abra-cadabra!

10-23-2008, 12:57 AM	#2
Mutt Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 34,431	haha - late night is when the jokes come easiest __________________ I moved my sites to Vacares Hosting. I've saved money, my hair is thicker, lost some weight too! Thanks Sly!

10-23-2008, 02:10 AM	#4
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	I asked my friend if he thought I would be funny doing stand-up comedy. He said he could tell just by talking to me that I have a HIDDEN TALENT. Wow, I didn't know you could tell someone LOVES TO LICK PUSSY just by TALKING to them! __________________ Abra-cadabra!

10-23-2008, 02:27 AM	#5
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	I have had a lot of different experiences in my life, so when I wanted to change careers I thought maybe I should try TEACHNG. But what kind of class am I qualified to teach? - A class I would call “Steve 101 - How to sit around your house smoking pot and watching cartoons all day”. - Steve 201 - How to beat off 5 times a day to internet porn, between smoking pot and watching cartoons all day”. - Post-Graduate “Steve” courses – “How to hide from your wife, while beating off 5 times a day to internet porn, between smoking pot and watching cartoons all day.” __________________ Abra-cadabra!

10-23-2008, 02:30 AM	#6
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	I was at the bar, and the bartender said "Last call, are you boys almost done?" I said, "No, I don’t think so. I still have to drive home. And there will be a police chase, and my arrest, then the night in the drunk tank, probably meet a new “boyfriend”, then my arraignment, and a lot more shit after that. And I'll probably be paying off my legal bills for about 10 more YEARS! So NO I’m not even CLOSE to being "ALMOST DONE". I think it’s going to be a long night; I’m going to need another drink! I can't wait until the day that cars can just drive themselves, completely automated.... think about it, no more drinking and driving! You just jump in and tell it where you want to go, and it does the rest. But I STILL won’t be able to get my car HOME from the BAR. Because it doesn't seem to know where "fi-sheven-none none, phooorrtie shecond shhhtreet" is. __________________ Abra-cadabra!

10-23-2008, 01:12 AM	#3
mrwilson mrwilson 2.0 Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: ICQ: 465406783 Posts: 5,122	haha so would you put out for the gay guy in that situation? :D

10-23-2008, 02:49 AM	#7
Bojangles Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 5,419	Hahahah nice

10-23-2008, 06:21 AM	#10
Spunky I need a beer Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: ♠ Toiletville ♠ Posts: 133,947	Heh heh,that was good for a chuckle __________________ *YOUR INFORMATION HERE*

10-23-2008, 09:20 AM	#11
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	I invited my friend who is a recovering alcoholic to my party last week. He asked if I could make sure we had some non-alcoholic beer for him. Then I realized I should be more prepared for guests like him. So I'm going to need to get some non-THC marijuana, some non-cocoa leaf cocaine, and some non-MDMA ecstasy. But forget that! They can SMOKE my FERN, SNORT my BAKING SODA, and POP a BLUE BIRTH-CONTROL PILL for all I care! If they want to QUIT something, then QUIT COMING TO MY PARTIES! __________________ Abra-cadabra!

10-23-2008, 09:21 AM	#12
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	I just read that they are banning the sale of Ivory on EBay. That is ridiculous! I guess Proctor and Gamble is really cracking down. But what kind of an IDIOT would buy SOAP on EBay anyway? __________________ Abra-cadabra!

10-23-2008, 09:25 AM	#13
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	Before we had kids, I was worried that my wife and I had different views about parenting. I was raised very liberal and she was raised conservatively. I imagined what kind of issues might come up. “Well kids, if it was up to ME, you could have COTTON CANDY, and POPCORN, and ICE CREAM for dinner EVERY NIGHT, but…. MOMMY is such a BITCH! But she's not trying to be mean to you. She loves you very much. She's a BITCH to DADDY too!" __________________ Abra-cadabra!

10-23-2008, 09:26 AM	#14
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	I got a new boss at work, but I didn’t know the guy. My friend said “He is going to be your worst nightmare.” I said, “Holy shit, you mean the one about when I’m walking around at the mall in nothing but my wife’s underwear?” __________________ Abra-cadabra!

10-23-2008, 09:27 AM	#15
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	I bought a black car, but they wouldn't let me have "NGA PLZ" as my license plate. The woman at the DMV said they felt it was racial and inappropriate. I said, "Are you discriminating against me because I'm GAY?” ‘NGA PLZ’ stands for 'No Girls Allowed Please!’ ---- I can't believe that black bitch thought I was being racist, NIGGA PLEAZE!!!" __________________ Abra-cadabra!