Funny Joke Thread!

[nickjcuk]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said,"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure",
she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the
bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the
room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150
just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all
adds up."

[CET]

*Groan*

[azguy]

Originally posted by nickjcuk
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said,"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure",
she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the
bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the
room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150
just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all
adds up."

[Manowar]

i read that whole joke... for a punchline like that ?

[Stamen]

A teacher asks her class "There are 5 birds on a fence, if you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Johnny who says "None, they'd all fly away at the sound of the gunshot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking". Johnny says "Now I have a question for YOU"

"There are 3 women on a bench eating an ice cream cone, the first is delicately licking the sides of a triple scoop, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone, and the third is biting the top off the ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher looks embarrassed and says "Well I suppose the one that gobbled down the top of the ice cream and sucked the cone..."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking!"

[kowntafit]

Funny shit. Thanks for the laughs.

[UltraSonic]

Originally posted by Stamen
A teacher asks her class "There are 5 birds on a fence, if you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Johnny who says "None, they'd all fly away at the sound of the gunshot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking". Johnny says "Now I have a question for YOU"

"There are 3 women on a bench eating an ice cream cone, the first is delicately licking the sides of a triple scoop, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone, and the third is biting the top off the ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher looks embarrassed and says "Well I suppose the one that gobbled down the top of the ice cream and sucked the cone..."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking!"

LMAO

[xclusive]

I hope that you all get a little chuckle from this one...

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[Mr. Mike]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.

At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

[nickjcuk]

Originally posted by Mr. Mike
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.

At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

hahhahah good one!

[Mr. Mike]

This one is better....

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

[Manowar]

Originally posted by Stamen
A teacher asks her class "There are 5 birds on a fence, if you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Johnny who says "None, they'd all fly away at the sound of the gunshot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking". Johnny says "Now I have a question for YOU"

"There are 3 women on a bench eating an ice cream cone, the first is delicately licking the sides of a triple scoop, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone, and the third is biting the top off the ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher looks embarrassed and says "Well I suppose the one that gobbled down the top of the ice cream and sucked the cone..."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking!"

[nickjcuk]

Originally posted by Mr. Mike
This one is better....

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

[natas]

Originally posted by Mr. Mike
This one is better....

nice

[Furious_Female]

A teacher tells the class that everyone is to go to the front of the class and tell a story about something exciting. It's finally Little Johnny's turn to tell his story; so he goes up to the head of the class and draws a dot on the blackboard. The teacher confused said "What is that Johnny?" Little Johnny replies, "It's a period." The teacher frustrated by Johnny's lack of participation asks, "And WHAT is so exciting about a period?!"

Little Johnny shrugs and replies, "Damned if I know! But my sister said she missed her's at breakfast this morning, then my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack and the guy next door shot himself!"

[sean416]

This is a funny joke:

There's a black guy, a white guy and a native american. They need a place to stay for the night as they're travelling the country. So they run into this Italian guy and ask if they can spend the night. The italien says "no problem, you guys can sleep upstairs". He goes on to explain, "you guys can do whatever you want, the fridge is yours, if you want to smoke here's an ashtray, etc. Just don't go in the basement! My daughter is down there and I dont want you to disturb her."

So they're all about to go to sleep when the black guy turns to the white guy and says "man, we been traveling around for ever.. I need to get me some pussy, I'm gonna go down there and see the daughter." So the black guy goes down the stairs, very slowly, being sure not to make any noise. He gets downstairs, the girl is beuatiful and fucks the shit out of her. On the way back up, the stairs creek. He hear's the italien yell out "who is that!". So the black guy, thinking quick goes "meoooowwww". The italien guy here's this and goes "oh, it's just the cat" and goes back to sleep.

The black guy tells the white guy, "hey man, you can down there and fuck the daughter no problem, just on the way back up when the stairs creek, tell him you're the cat". So sure enough, same shit happens again, the white guy fucks the daughter and on the way back up, the stairs creek. So he goes "meoowww" and the italien thinks its the cat. When the white guy gets back to room he tells the indian. So the indian decides he's going to try it too. The white guy tells him "Remember, the stairs will creek on the way back up, so just make sure you tell him you're the cat". So the indian goes down and fucks the shit out of the daughter. On the way back up, the stairs creek. The italien yells out "who the hell is that!!" so the indian yells back

IT'S DA FUCKING CAT!!!!!

[foxylady]

Originally posted by nickjcuk
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said,"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure",
she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the
bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the
room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150
just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all
adds up."

lol

[sean416]

Originally posted by Mr. Mike
This one is better....

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

That one is GOLD!!!

[Vicky Yambo.biz]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"