Some very good jokes here, maybe I will give another one of these away.


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lol .. some jokes are very funny :)
I will add a joke in later on...

The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often
helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He
spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the
restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but
figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his
solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the
side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath to
pose as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the
privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He
closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer
to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept
his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's
busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well
check your brakes too while you're down there because your
truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!:thumbsup

A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was
riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light
next to a Police Officer on a horse.

The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that
new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"

"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of
your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you
there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police
Officer.

The little boy replied "Yes Sir".

"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.

"Yes", said the Officer.

"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.

"Yes he did!" said the officer.

"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the
dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet.
But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed
that it was occupied.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he
uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were
labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.

The man's curiousity got the best of him and he started
pressing the buttons one by one.

When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really
have it made.

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle
breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought
this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.

This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the
last button marked ATR.

When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse.
"What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I
was in the new ladies' room on a plane."

"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a
great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for
AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained
substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win
the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the
show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as
her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I
wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to
sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage
tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her,
"It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car
keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?"
Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back
soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting
a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get
tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried
excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the
male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and
the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who
was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart,
and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to
sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as
Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied
correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz
show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could
feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host,
after reminding the audience of the previous days' events,
faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male
anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six
seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I,
uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host,
"CONGRATULATIONS!!"

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She
dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I
know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags !"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken,
proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car
and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the
ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her
why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or
five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore
himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of
the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car
jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than
5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large
handgun.

A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and
orange hair. An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and
the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever
do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah,
one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

Mrs. Philbert is teaching her class about
multiple-syllable words. Little Johnny is
in the back of the classroom, bored as usual.

"Now words like bike, cheese and shoe only have
one syllable. Does anyone have an example of a
word with 2 or more syllables?"

Little Johnny raises a hand and is called on.
He stands up and says "Autoeroticism."

That's a word with more than one syllable." Impressed, the
teacher repeats the word,
"Autoeroticism! Wow Johnny! That's a mouthful!"

Johnny rises quickly from his chair and says,
"No. Autoeroticism is masturbating. What you're
thinking of is a blowjob!"

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.


:winkwink:

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw
Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of
Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and
whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my
Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately
went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond
Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it
was
easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was
all I could do to hold the Snicker and Krackle as my
Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started
to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my
Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I
blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the
old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little
Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't
you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O'
Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She
screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!"
as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her
Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N'
Plenty, when all the sudden . . . my Starburst! Yeah, as luck
would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a
Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out
popped . . . Baby Ruth!

A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip
and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written
her e-mail address, he did his best to type it
in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his
note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this
note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

P.S.: Sure is hot down here.

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Man: "Have I shown you my magic watch?"

Woman: "No, what does it do?"

Man: "It tells me you are not wearing any underwear."

Woman: "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
underwear!"

Man: "Hmm... It must be an hour fast."

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the
store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

:1orglaugh great joke.

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps."One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

These three guys were stranded on this island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound guy came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo."

The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. I choose bongo."

The big guy takes him aside and they start banging it right there.

The second guy sees this and doesn't think it looks so bad so he also chooses bongo. Then two 550 pound guys come out of the bushes and they get it on right there.

The third guy is disgusted by this, so he chooses death. After saying this, fourteen 550 pound guys come out of the bushes screaming "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"

Creation of Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a hahahaha.

There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.

They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.

One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"

They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .

They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .

The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.

She took him into her barn and said to get started.

He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.

Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.

Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .

The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

Swedish Student

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

The Ode To Oral Sex

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.

The Pickled Penis

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear says "dont you hate how shit sticks to your fur?"
Rabbit says, "I've never had that problem, shit never sticks to my fur"
Bear says "really? wow thats great"
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

A priest, rabbi, Jesus and a beggar are playing golf.
Priest tees off and hits the rough.
Rabbi tees off and hits the sand trap.
Jesus tees off and the ball lands on top of the water and sits there.
Beggar tees off and hits a tree, bounces off the cart path, bounces off a spectator and lands right on the green
Priest turns to Jesus and says "I hate playing with your dad."

Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Some good stuff here will have to take time to read it and see which ones might get an extra prize.

This is our best selection of sets on an offer YET. 20 sets for $25. Over 1700 pictures. Solo, girl/girl, boy/girl, teen, amateur, DP, anal, vibrators and more...

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If you buy the set and like it, come back and say THANK YOU.

A quick look at some samples.

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As I said this is our best selection of sets so far, but then WTF do I know about pictureS??

Sorry about the quality and size had to reduce the images from 1024 each and compress them, to save on B/W.

This ones in the running.

So is this one.

Another good one.