An old Polish man is lying on his deathbed in his humble home. As the last minutes of his life go by, the old man smells a most wonderful smells that causes him to sit up in bed. He smells his wife's pierogies being cooked.

The old man cannot believe it. He's overcome with emotion. "What a sweet wife I have. 37 years of marriage, and as I lay here on the verge of death, she makes my most favorite meal."

Summoning every last ounce of his strength, he climbs out of bed, slowly and painfully makes his way down the stairs to the kitchen. When he walks into the room, he's greeted with the most wonderful site. Laid out on the table are dozens of his wife's pierogies, with all the trimmings. He blinks his eyes a few times and pinches himself to make sure he hasn't died and gone to heaven yet.

Blinking back tears as he's marvels over how wonderful his old wife is, he reaches over to take a bite of what will very well be his last meal. Just as he grasps the delicious pierogy in his hand, his wife smacks his and hard with a wooden sppon.

She looks at him and says "What do you think you're doing? Those are for the funeral!!"

I just met your lookalike, i can swear it was you. I scream your name, but you just ignored me, and keept fiddle with your ass and eating your banana!:Kissmy :banana :banana :banana :Kissmy

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo- geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot! "No way,
how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can borrow her if you want"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a while.
Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah!
Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Oh SHIT! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ?" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
wrong?

If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the
plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off
when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane
again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all
very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is
immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to
wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without
a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it
crashes without warning.

MAC AIRWAYS
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all
look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked
questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to
know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your
seat and watch the movie.

OS/2 SKYWAYS
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective
passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around,
apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the
terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the
real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it
will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to
wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems.

FLY WINDOWS NT
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac,
placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit
down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if
they are flying.

WINGS of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and
safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails
to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants,
of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost
$15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you
have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club.

MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger,
watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on
this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10
engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers
scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200
technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass
cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane
is too big to get through the hangar doors!

UNIX EXPRESS
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of
tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing
constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and
how to put it together. Eventually, they build several
different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers
believe they got there.

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered ornaments from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Drink another beer then get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink large tumbler of whisky to take away pain. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the little bastards front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, pry cat's mouth open with small spanner.

Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Thanks, it's my one dirty joke.


:glugglug

:1orglaugh

I'm not a guy, do I still count?


:)

I'm glad you liked my girlish joke.


:winkwink:

A young man was in the backyard fooling around with his
new girlfriend on a very dark night.

After a short time, he offered to eat her pussy....
and she gladly dropped her knickers.

About 20 minutes later, he looked up at her with his
glazed face and said, "I really like you a lot, but
you have the hairiest pussy I've ever eaten!"

"I'm not surprised that you feel that way," she said.
"You've been eating the lawn for the last five minutes!"

soukee
Good joke buy too long.

OK lets have some comments from others on what's a good joke, we can make this a pole.

I'm off to ride my bike.

Long but cool:-)

I like my women the way i like my whiskey... 16 years old and full of coke

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

:helpme

Walking through John Muir woods, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. He asks, "Just out of curiosity,what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You've gotta be kidding."

"No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, okay .."

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it. The other man immediately slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this man
handcuffed to the tree naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was regaling his plight, the newcomer is shaking his head in sympathy, circling him. When the handcuffed man is finished talking, the second man walks around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says,

"This just isn't your day, is it, Sugar?"

A seal walked into a club...

q. whats the fastest thing in the world

a. an ethiopian with a mcdonalds coupon

cmon...its a joke

Oh, grooooan.... :1orglaugh and yet, :helpme

Farmer Joe had a problem - his chicken ranch was without a rooster to keep the population growing. So, he inquired from his neighbors if any of them had a rooster he could buy or borrow for a time.

One of his fellow chicken ranchers responded and offered the services of his best rooster - Brooster the Rooster. He warned him though that Brooster was notoriously horny and to protect the rest of Farmer Joe's livestock.

Next day, Farmer Joe gets up only to find that Brooster is fucking all the pigs. A few hours later, he spots Brooster fucking the cows.

Distraught, Joe corners Brooster and cautions him that if he keeps up this pace he'll be dead by morning. Brooster ignores him and continues to find more animals to fuck.

The next day, Joe wakes up to find Brooster laying spread eagle in the middle of the yard aparently dead from exhaustion with buzzards circling above his lifeless carcass. Joe shakes his head and mutters "I told you if you didn't stop this manic fucking it would kill you, Brooster!"

Brooster opened one eye and whispered "SHHHHHH! They're about to land!"

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, " Dark in here."

The man says, " Yes it is."

Boy - " I have a baseball."

Man - " That' s nice."

Boy - " Want to buy it?"

Man - " No, thanks."

Boy - " My dad' s outside."

Man - " OK, how much?"

Boy - " $250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom' s lover are in the closet together.

Boy - " Dark in here."

Man - " Yes, it is."

Boy - " I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, " How much?"

Boy - " $750."

Man - " Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, " Grab your glove. Let' s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, " I can' t. I sold them."

The father asks, " How much did you sell them for?"

The son says " $1,000."

The father says, " That' s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I' m going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, " Dark in here."

The priest says, " Don' t start that shit again."

I like mine, short and sweet.


:winkwink:

what do you call a fat chinese person?

a chunk

why does the mexican olympic team suck so bad?

because everyone in mexico that can run, jump, or swim is already in the US.

Top Taliban Porn Sites

Maybe you heard the news. The FBI is investigating reports that Osama Bin Laden may actually be using porn sites on the Internet to send coded messages to members of the Al Qaeda network here in the U.S. This of course brings several questions to mind. First of all, isn?t it supposed to be a really big sin if these guys look at porn? And second, which sites does Osama use to get his messages out? We?re not sure about that first one but we have researched and uncovered the top 5 porn sites visited by Al Qaeda network members:

#5. Bare Burka.com
#4. Al Show You My Qaeda.com
#3. Hide In My Cave.com
#2. Shake Your Tali-bon bon.com
#1. Ji-STRING-had

:)

A paper bag goes to the doctors.

The doctor says sit down I have bad news for you.

The paper bag sits down and asks what the bad news is.

The doctor says "as you know we have been doing tests on you, and we have got the results back. it turns out you have aids".

Aids, says the paper bag. How can I? I'm a paper bag.

The doctor says, it was your parents. They were carriers.

A young man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Handy Phrases For Traveling in the Middle East

A few handy phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

Iraq Jokes

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
A: Two days.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What is the Iraqi air force motto?
A: I came, I saw, Iran.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their air force.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

What's got 2 legs and bleeds?































Half a dog.

That's the worse joke yet. :1orglaugh

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?



















A: Fsh



:Graucho

Not anymore :1orglaugh

Q: How do you get a cow to bark ?





















A: Get back home totally drunk at 4:00AM.
:glugglug

How do you make a hormone?


























Kick her in the guts.