Post your jokes here! Cause we can all use a good laugh... - GoFuckYourself.com

Tala · 09-14-2003, 10:55 AM

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.....

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Nanda · 09-14-2003, 10:57 AM

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is."I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, The last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his a rear off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:01 AM

Not a joke, however, sure to get a reaction.
This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and
even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of
his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift
just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party,
was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked
them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10
glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten
suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to
tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
"F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he
turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most
people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing
were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family
members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of
this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and Friends
..................................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion
....................................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..............................$8,500.

the look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man ..............................Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

Gunni · 09-14-2003, 11:03 AM

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Nanda
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is."I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, The last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his a rear off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"

GrimShawn · 09-14-2003, 11:03 AM

grogan

Fletch XXX · 09-14-2003, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tala
Not a joke, however, sure to get a reaction.
This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University.

Ive seen this same 'story' with so many different names its silly.

This is not a true astory, its an old hoax'legend that has so many varying tales its all blurred now.

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Gunni
This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

These are great, keep 'em coming!

andrew1009 · 09-14-2003, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tala
Not a joke, however, sure to get a reaction.
This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and
even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of
his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift
just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party,
was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked
them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10
glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten
suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to
tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
"F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he
turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most
people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing
were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family
members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of
this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and Friends
..................................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion
....................................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..............................$8,500.

the look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man ..............................Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

wow! I hope somebody caught that on tape, I'd really like to see that!

Spunky · 09-14-2003, 11:06 AM

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:06 AM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant.Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Paul Markham · 09-14-2003, 11:07 AM

Me; You know if I had listend to my Mum I would never of got into this mess.

Eva; Why what did she say?

Me; I don't know I wasn't listening.

banshman · 09-14-2003, 11:08 AM

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry.

Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

Nanda · 09-14-2003, 11:09 AM

not really a joke but funny.........

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial
features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:10 AM

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs
away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but
only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him
up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her,
kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an
escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he
wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just
give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll
kill us. Be strong, honey, I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we
kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Nanda
not really a joke but funny.........

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial
features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire

Gunni · 09-14-2003, 11:12 AM

A Frenchman an Englishman and a Scotsman were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief came to them and said "The bad news is now that we've caught you were going to kill you and then we will use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is you get to choose how you will die."

The French man says "I take ze poison and die like a man."

The chief gives him some poison and the Frenchman says: "Vive la France" and drinks it down.

The English man says "a pistol for me please, if it's not too much trouble all the same." The chief gives him a pistol and he points it at his head, says "God save the Queen" and blows his brains out.

The Scotsman says "give me a fork" the chief is puzzled but shrugs and gives him the fork. The Scot takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his stomach and chest and sides, everywhere.

There is blood gushing out all over. The chief is appalled and screams "what are you doing?"

The Scotsman looks at the chief and yells "so much fer yer fuckin' canoe!"

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:14 AM

These just keep getting funnier. I like this!

Paul Markham · 09-14-2003, 11:14 AM

An Irishman walks into a bar and says

Bejeshus that horts *In an Irish accent*

No one said they had to be new.

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:18 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life of 90+yrs the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary....
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I`m a rabbit in Kansas.

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:19 AM

Oy...Charly....that was horrid.

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:20 AM

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she would dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:24 AM

This guy was sitting on his porch one day when he noticed a kid riding his bike with a bunch of chicken wire rolled up on the back. He yells to the boy, "Hey, what are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" The boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens." To which the guy replied, "Don't you know that you can't catch chickens with chicken wire?"

But sure enough, the boy comes by later with 10 chickens following in the bundle of chicken wire.

The next day, the boy is riding again, but this time, he's got a roll of duct tape stuck to his arm. The guy says, "Hey, what's with the duct tape?" The boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some ducks with it." So the guy yells, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

But sure enough, the boy comes by later with 20 ducks wrapped up in duct tape.

The third day, the boy is riding along again when the guy says, "Hey, what's on the back of your bike?" The boy yelled back, "Pussywillows!" To which the guy said...

"Hold on while I get my hat!"

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:29 AM

Why did the blonde have square boobs?
She forgot to take the tissue out of the box.

Fletch XXX · 09-14-2003, 11:32 AM

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:33 AM

Last one from me.

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the
counter and said, "Hi, I really hate drawing welfare. I would really rather
find a job. So that I can become a more productive member of society and
start paying taxes"
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a
listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his
Freaky nymphomaniac pot head daughter. You'll have to drive around a big
black stretch Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.

Because of the long hours of this job, meals, room and board will also be
provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $250,000 a year."

The young man excitedly said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

amacontent · 09-14-2003, 11:33 AM

There once was a man named SOBE......LOL need I say anymore

Tala · 09-14-2003, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Fletch XXX
<img src=http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/PedophilePriests/gifs2/morin2.gif border="1">

<img src=http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/PedophilePriests/gifs2/signe.gif border="1">

There's a reason I love ya, Fletch

allfree · 09-14-2003, 11:46 AM

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said,
"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said,
"I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crach helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish.
"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said,
"I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said,
"I wish that the bear was gay."

Gunni · 09-14-2003, 12:34 PM

Ok, this one is brilliant, got it in a email the other day!! Not a joke, but funny as hell

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe
sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.:

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Tala · 09-14-2003, 12:44 PM

Riot!

Ice · 09-14-2003, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by GrimShawn
grogan

best one so far

09-14-2003, 10:55 AM	#1
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	Post your jokes here! Cause we can all use a good laugh... A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence..... Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 10:57 AM	#2
Nanda Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: African Safari Posts: 5,310	A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is."I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, The last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his a rear off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again" __________________ My Ex-husband SKULL-BUITRE ran off to Colombia with OUR money and screwed me after I helped him build OUR business. He is hiding in Colombia and never paid the settlement $ from our divorce!

09-14-2003, 11:01 AM	#3
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	Not a joke, however, sure to get a reaction. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and Friends ..................................$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ....................................$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..............................$8,500. the look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man ..............................Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD. __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:06 AM	#10
Spunky I need a beer Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: ♠ Toiletville ♠ Posts: 133,949	__________________ *YOUR INFORMATION HERE*

09-14-2003, 11:06 AM	#11
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant.Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:03 AM	#4
Gunni Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Barcelona Posts: 2,385	This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey. "Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..." He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No." "But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

09-14-2003, 11:03 AM	#6
GrimShawn Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: BONEPRONE MANSION serving drinks! Posts: 8,120	grogan

09-14-2003, 11:07 AM	#12
Paul Markham Too old to care Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: On the sofa, watching TV or doing my jigsaws. Posts: 52,943	Me; You know if I had listend to my Mum I would never of got into this mess. Eva; Why what did she say? Me; I don't know I wasn't listening. __________________ Blowout deal. 880 videos, 2,400 image sets, plus many RAW videos. $500. PM me for a deal. Skype Paulmarkham70

09-14-2003, 11:08 AM	#13
banshman Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: The Mist Posts: 142	A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

09-14-2003, 11:09 AM	#14
Nanda Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: African Safari Posts: 5,310	not really a joke but funny......... A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle. For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire __________________ My Ex-husband SKULL-BUITRE ran off to Colombia with OUR money and screwed me after I helped him build OUR business. He is hiding in Colombia and never paid the settlement $ from our divorce!

09-14-2003, 11:10 AM	#15
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey, I love you". To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too." __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:12 AM	#17
Gunni Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Barcelona Posts: 2,385	A Frenchman an Englishman and a Scotsman were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief came to them and said "The bad news is now that we've caught you were going to kill you and then we will use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is you get to choose how you will die." The French man says "I take ze poison and die like a man." The chief gives him some poison and the Frenchman says: "Vive la France" and drinks it down. The English man says "a pistol for me please, if it's not too much trouble all the same." The chief gives him a pistol and he points it at his head, says "God save the Queen" and blows his brains out. The Scotsman says "give me a fork" the chief is puzzled but shrugs and gives him the fork. The Scot takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his stomach and chest and sides, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over. The chief is appalled and screams "what are you doing?" The Scotsman looks at the chief and yells "so much fer yer fuckin' canoe!"

09-14-2003, 11:14 AM	#18
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	These just keep getting funnier. I like this! __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:18 AM	#20
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life of 90+yrs the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary... Mary.... Is that you Fred? Yes, I have come back like we agreed. What is it like? Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. Hell no, I`m a rabbit in Kansas. __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:19 AM	#21
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	Oy...Charly....that was horrid. __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:20 AM	#22
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she would dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:24 AM	#23
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	This guy was sitting on his porch one day when he noticed a kid riding his bike with a bunch of chicken wire rolled up on the back. He yells to the boy, "Hey, what are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" The boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens." To which the guy replied, "Don't you know that you can't catch chickens with chicken wire?" But sure enough, the boy comes by later with 10 chickens following in the bundle of chicken wire. The next day, the boy is riding again, but this time, he's got a roll of duct tape stuck to his arm. The guy says, "Hey, what's with the duct tape?" The boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some ducks with it." So the guy yells, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" But sure enough, the boy comes by later with 20 ducks wrapped up in duct tape. The third day, the boy is riding along again when the guy says, "Hey, what's on the back of your bike?" The boy yelled back, "Pussywillows!" To which the guy said... "Hold on while I get my hat!" __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:29 AM	#24
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	Why did the blonde have square boobs? She forgot to take the tissue out of the box. __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:32 AM	#25
Fletch XXX GFY HALL OF FAME DAMMIT!!! Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: that 504 Posts: 60,840	<img src=http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/PedophilePriests/gifs2/morin2.gif border="1"> <img src=http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/PedophilePriests/gifs2/signe.gif border="1"> __________________ Want an Android App for your tube, membership, or free site? Need banners or promo material? Hit us up (ICQ Fletch: 148841377) or email me fletchxxx at gmail.com - recent work - About me

09-14-2003, 11:33 AM	#26
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	Last one from me. A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I really hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. So that I can become a more productive member of society and start paying taxes" The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his Freaky nymphomaniac pot head daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black stretch Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals, room and board will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $250,000 a year." The young man excitedly said, "You're bullshitting me man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!" __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

09-14-2003, 11:33 AM	#27
amacontent STANLEY CUP CHAMPION ! Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 12,909	There once was a man named SOBE......LOL need I say anymore __________________ Joe Loughlin [email protected] TEAM- joeloughlin. Telegram - AMA_JOE https://www.amaproduction.com

09-14-2003, 11:46 AM	#29
allfree Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: The Dark side of the moon Posts: 26	One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crach helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

09-14-2003, 12:34 PM	#30
Gunni Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Barcelona Posts: 2,385	Ok, this one is brilliant, got it in a email the other day!! Not a joke, but funny as hell After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.: (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

09-14-2003, 12:44 PM	#31
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	Riot! __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.