Sunday: must have jokes

[CDSmith]

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts
out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does
anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of
them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom,
and a big long one to brush the baby- sitter's teeth."

[CDSmith]

<b>Are you a Player? Wanna bet?</b>

The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You
stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the
winner. You never bet any real money, you only bet in your mind.
Yesterday a friend of mine lost his mind three times.

[CDSmith]

<b>SUPERMODEL PLANECRASH</b>

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a
super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane
announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make
an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia
pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered,
Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up
when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for,
and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why
I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of
flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused,
Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you
baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the
rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts
-- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to
expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi
-- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to
see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first
thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

[CDSmith]

A couple was married for 20 years, and
every time they fucked the husband always
insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
stupid. She figured she would break him
out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle
of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked
down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.

She gets all upset. "You impotent fucking bastard!"
she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says, calmly... "I'll explain the dildo if you explain
the kids."

[CDSmith]

I remember this one time, back when I was still living with my parents,
I carried my date, slung over my shoulder, into my parent's house. She
was passed out cold. "Liquor?" asked my dad.
"Nope, but banged her four times." I replied

[CDSmith]

<b>Don't groan, YODEL</b>

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated inSwitzerland, but here's the real version.Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and askedher father, "Who is that man going into the barn?""That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a placeto stayfor the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate offood and took it out to the barn.About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled andstraw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhapsthe man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to thebarn,and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She alsoheaded straight to bed.The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up andcontinued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone,she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," shecried."We made such passionate love last night!""What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking forthe man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sexwith my daughter!"The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his handnext to his mouth, and yelled out...

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[CDSmith]

This South Philly Tony sounds a lot like little Johnny....


South Philly Tony returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is
2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking
difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

South Philly Tony ON ENGLISH

South Philly Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles
and says, "Wow, South Philly Tony, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says,
"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

South Philly Tony ON GRAMMAR

South Philly Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take
a piss!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this

situation. The correct word you want to use is '! urinate'. Please use
the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly , and I will allow you to
go." South Philly Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an
eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

South Philly Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher
reluctantly called on South Philly Tony. "Last night at the dinner
table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

[CDSmith]

Some shorties....

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Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is playing with his cock",
one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

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Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprises' toilet?

A: The Captain's log.

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One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly"

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[CDSmith]

<img SRC="http://members.shaw.ca/billy1-99/pics/cartoon02.jpg">

[CDSmith]

Magic trick....


<img SRC="http://members.shaw.ca/billy1-99/pics/magictrick.jpg">

[CDSmith]

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf,
and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked
Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife
is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but
the dishes are piling up."

[CDSmith]

"For the seafood lover in you"


Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit.
"We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.
"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"
As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[HEARTBREAKER]

lol

[SYNIKAL]

hahaha