Check Please! - Page 2 - GoFuckYourself.com

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:37 PM

Flashing Lights
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:38 PM

Guiness
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:39 PM

Fancy A Curry?
This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"
"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"
"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.
"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:40 PM

Three Englishmen, and an Irishman
These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight.
They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar. "Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I here that St Patrick was a shift lifter."
"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.
With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and here he was a pervert too."
"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.
"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"
The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:41 PM

Two Condoms
Two condoms walking past a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get shit faced?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:42 PM

The Drinks Are On Me
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here? and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:42 PM

Two Pints Please
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says "two pints please, one for me and one for the road."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:43 PM

Mouthing Off
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...."
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad---you're drunk again!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:44 PM

Moooo!
A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty I could like the sweat off a cow's balls."

A guy in the corner says "Moooo!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:46 PM

5 o'clock News
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:47 PM

A Dangerous Looking Trick!
A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.
The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".
The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".
The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.
He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"
After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:49 PM

A Midnight Snack Surprise
A colleague approached this man at lunch that invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:50 PM

Cutting the Grass
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbour lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:51 PM

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down.
A couple of minutes later, the bartender sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the bartender walks over and tells the guy to stop talking to his hand.
"But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand, bartender!" Sure enough, the guy has a phone implanted in his hand.
"Well, put it away before you get beaten up," says the bartender.
This guy finishes his drink and goes to the washroom. When he doesn't come out, the bartender gets worried and goes looking for this guy.
He finds him in the washroom with a toilet paper roll shoved up his ass.
"I told you," says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm fine," says the guy, "just waiting for a fax!"

litlsweety · 06-13-2003, 01:51 PM

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:51 PM

An occupational hazard?
One night a man was drinking in a bar and he had to go to the bathroom.
While he was going, he noticed that there were three black men next to him at the urinals. He happened to look down and was shocked to see that one of the men had a white penis. He quickly finished and went back to the bar.
He told the bartender that he had just seen the strangest thing when he was in the bathroom. The bartender asked him what he saw.
"Well, while I was taking a leak, I looked over and next to me were three black guys and one of them had a white dick!" he said.
"Oh, those weren't black men," the bartender said, "they are all coal miners and apparently one of them went home for lunch."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:52 PM

Campfire Tales
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:54 PM

Unfortunate illness
A man picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.
When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them.
"Eeek!" she says.
"Oh, I used to have toe-lio," he says.
"You mean polio?"
"No, toe-lio."
So they continue. When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten with sledge hammers.
"Eeek!" she says.
"Oh, I used to have the knee-sles," he says.
"You mean measles?"
"No, knee-sles."
Still undaunted, they continue.
When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, "Don't tell me! Small-cocks!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by litlsweety

Yo mama

Oz

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:55 PM

Duck Questions
There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!
The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.
He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."
The duck said, "ok", and left.
The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door.
He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No!"
The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:55 PM

Strength Test
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:56 PM

Finding The Perfect Lover
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.
After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"
"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.
"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.
"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"
He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:57 PM

An Unfortunate Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:58 PM

The Monkey Puzzle
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"
The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 01:59 PM

The Hero Of The Hour
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:00 PM

Talented Dogs
Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs.
The first man said "My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!" and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine.
Not to be outdone, the second man said "Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this." With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine.
The third man smiled and said "Well my dog's called Ironworker". He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot.
"Now" he continued, "all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:01 PM

Delivering A Message
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:02 PM

The Poor Drinker
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:02 PM

Sally's Legs
There is a guy and his favourite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'.
On this particular day the bar is closed when he arrives so he waits outside for it to open.
He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The guy innocently replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:04 PM

This Devil Walks Into a Bar...
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old boy leant over the bar.
The Devil wanders across to the old boy and says "Do you know how I am?"
The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"
The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid?"
The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "nah, I've been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:05 PM

Calls To Reception
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:06 PM

Two Women At The Bar
Two women were at a bar.
One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:07 PM

Logical Science
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:08 PM

Who's Shout Is It?
Two fat blokes walk into the bar and the first one says, "Your round."

"So are you" the second replies.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:09 PM

Caught In The Act
This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked.
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:10 PM

Corked!
A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse.
The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says:

"Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out. The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:11 PM

Mushroom On The Pull
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman...
She turns him down flat but the mushroom is persistent.
Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her...
"C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:12 PM

Beyond Explanation
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset! but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:13 PM

Delivering A Message
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:13 PM

Accident At The Guiness Brewery
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to piss."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:14 PM

Too Drunk To...
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?"
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:15 PM

On The Plane
Two guys are sat at the bar.
The first one says, "My wife should be on the plane now."
"Sounds nice" the other replied, "Where's she going?"
"Nowhere" says the first, "She's fitting a new bedroom door!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:16 PM

Three Japanese Men
The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:17 PM

The Strongest Man In Here
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:18 PM

Only One Wish
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:20 PM

A Legal Loophole
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars,"
The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

HS-Trixxxia · 06-13-2003, 02:20 PM

mmm..think he's going for most posts before the 1.5 mill either that or he's hoping his jokes land him the 1.5 mill post......
probably been planning it all day......has like 2000 jokes to post before the 1.5 millionth post is done......clever.....clever.....hehehe well at least they're funny ones!

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:21 PM

Two Cannibals
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown.
The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:22 PM

This guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 02:24 PM

Seriously Drunk
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."
The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

06-13-2003, 01:37 PM	#51
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Flashing Lights As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:38 PM	#52
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Guiness There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:39 PM	#53
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Fancy A Curry? This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!" "Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?" "Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees. "Fine." He says, and throws up all over her! __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:40 PM	#54
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Three Englishmen, and an Irishman These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar. "Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I here that St Patrick was a shift lifter." "Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink. With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and here he was a pervert too." "Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds. "I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?" The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:41 PM	#55
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Two Condoms Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get shit faced?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:42 PM	#56
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Drinks Are On Me This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here? and while you're at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else." The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends." "I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve. "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:43 PM	#58
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Mouthing Off Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...." Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad---you're drunk again!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:44 PM	#59
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Moooo! A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty I could like the sweat off a cow's balls." A guy in the corner says "Moooo!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:46 PM	#60
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	5 o'clock News Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:47 PM	#61
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	A Dangerous Looking Trick! A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator. The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment". The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open". The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth. He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants. He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?" After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:49 PM	#62
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	A Midnight Snack Surprise A colleague approached this man at lunch that invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:50 PM	#63
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Cutting the Grass One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbour lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:51 PM	#64
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. A couple of minutes later, the bartender sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the bartender walks over and tells the guy to stop talking to his hand. "But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand, bartender!" Sure enough, the guy has a phone implanted in his hand. "Well, put it away before you get beaten up," says the bartender. This guy finishes his drink and goes to the washroom. When he doesn't come out, the bartender gets worried and goes looking for this guy. He finds him in the washroom with a toilet paper roll shoved up his ass. "I told you," says the bartender. "Oh, I'm fine," says the guy, "just waiting for a fax!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:51 PM	#65
litlsweety Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 319

06-13-2003, 01:52 PM	#67
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Campfire Tales Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:54 PM	#68
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Unfortunate illness A man picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home. When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them. "Eeek!" she says. "Oh, I used to have toe-lio," he says. "You mean polio?" "No, toe-lio." So they continue. When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten with sledge hammers. "Eeek!" she says. "Oh, I used to have the knee-sles," he says. "You mean measles?" "No, knee-sles." Still undaunted, they continue. When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, "Don't tell me! Small-cocks!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:55 PM	#70
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Duck Questions There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins." The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool! The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there." The duck said, "ok", and left. The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!" The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:56 PM	#72
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Finding The Perfect Lover A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad." Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?" "Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies. "Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires. "I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues. Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:57 PM	#73
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	An Unfortunate Pirate A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine." "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands." "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:58 PM	#74
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Monkey Puzzle A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball. The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves. Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it. The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?" The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 01:59 PM	#75
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Hero Of The Hour Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:00 PM	#76
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Talented Dogs Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs. The first man said "My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!" and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine. Not to be outdone, the second man said "Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this." With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine. The third man smiled and said "Well my dog's called Ironworker". He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot. "Now" he continued, "all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:01 PM	#77
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Delivering A Message A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:02 PM	#78
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Poor Drinker A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man. The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:04 PM	#80
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	This Devil Walks Into a Bar... The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old boy leant over the bar. The Devil wanders across to the old boy and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep" The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "nah, I've been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:05 PM	#81
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Calls To Reception At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:06 PM	#82
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Two Women At The Bar Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love." "Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:07 PM	#83
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Logical Science Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist." "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a wanker then!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:08 PM	#84
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Who's Shout Is It? Two fat blokes walk into the bar and the first one says, "Your round." "So are you" the second replies. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:09 PM	#85
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Caught In The Act This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story. "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked. "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:10 PM	#86
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Corked! A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says: "Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out. The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:11 PM	#87
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Mushroom On The Pull This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She turns him down flat but the mushroom is persistent. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:12 PM	#88
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Beyond Explanation A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset! but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:13 PM	#89
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Delivering A Message A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 02:14 PM	#91
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Too Drunk To... An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting