Check Please! - Page 4 - GoFuckYourself.com

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:16 PM

Redneck Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to piss off.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:17 PM

Chickem Wire For Chickens...
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.
His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'
The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.
The father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows.
The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:18 PM

Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say....
I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Do you think my hair is too big?

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

The tires on that truck are too big.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

Damned if that polititian ain't honest!

We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

You can't feed that to the dog.

Trim the fat off that steak.

I just love the Opera

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Wrasslin's fake.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:18 PM

Quick Thinking Rednecks
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:20 PM

The Wiley Old Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:21 PM

Claim To Fame For Alabama
If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:23 PM

Even More You Might Be A Redneck If...
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

You think paprika is a Third World country.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:24 PM

A Counterfeiter
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town.
So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:24 PM

What's The Difference...
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?

On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.
A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:25 PM

A Spelling Test
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:26 PM

Divorce Lawyer
The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want one of them there dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres."
The lawyer said, "No you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night."
The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday."
The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning."
The lawyer said, "Is she a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I want a dayvorce."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:28 PM

The Best Little Whorehouse In...
A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself, "Maybe I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout."
The redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman and says, "I've got 5 bucks, give me your best." The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner.
The woman shuts the door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then realized that that was the best sex he'd ever had.
The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room with a few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women alike.
Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table. The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good."
The man then chuckles and says, "You should have been here last week, we had a man screwing a chicken."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:29 PM

Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:30 PM

A Rock Solid Defence
A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:31 PM

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:32 PM

Circumcision, Redneck Style
Q: How do you Circumcise a redneck?

A: Kick his sister in the chin.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:34 PM

On The Construction Site
There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:35 PM

Broken Down In Alaska
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car suddenly broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after.
The service man opened the hood and after a while the looked up and said, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The man replied, "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:36 PM

If I Could Talk To The Animals
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:37 PM

The Captain And The First Officer
It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke.
He said, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?"
The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbour. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another 30 minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew."
The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg ... no mattah ... all same."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:38 PM

Going The Distance
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:39 PM

The Master Samurai
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:39 PM

Looking For The Perfect Wife
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:41 PM

Preparing For A Crash Landing
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."
The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:41 PM

Our Proud Heritage
When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee."
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee".
The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
The little boy says, "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around.
"He said hummmm, where the Fuckawee"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:43 PM

A Spanish Delicacy
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:44 PM

The Loaded Navigator
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"
The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table.
The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:45 PM

The Amish Girl's First Date
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night.
As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night, and the Amish still ride in buggies.
Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves.
The Girl said to her mother, "it's supposed to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?"
Her mother replied, "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there way.
On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees.
Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?"
She replied, "my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm."
Her date said to her, "well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?"
The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did.
After returning home from her date she asked her mother, "What do you know about them there dicks?"
Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?"
The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:45 PM

The Egyptian Time Keeper
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel.
"What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.
"It's about 2:00", he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story.
Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.
The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals."
"Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:46 PM

Death Or Booka?
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.
He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:48 PM

Handy Phrases For Back Packers In The Middle East
1 Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

2 Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

3 Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

4 Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.

5 Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

6 Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

7 Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.

8 Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

9 Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:48 PM

An Amazing Discovery
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:49 PM

Going Back To School
A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:50 PM

Bigot's Beware
There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang.
She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:52 PM

Four old cowboys
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn on that goddamn light...."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:53 PM

Two Italian men
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:54 PM

The Young New Yorker And The Indian
A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:55 PM

A Little Jounalistic Licence
A fellow from Boston was in Atlanta, GA, visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable Southern way of life - something he was not accustomed to, being from Boston.
While he was walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead.
As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for the Atlanta newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous.
"ATLANTA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH"
the headlines would proclaim.
The would-be savior explained that it was very nice, but he was from Boston - not Atlanta.
The next day the headlines of the Atlanta paper read:
"YANKEE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:57 PM

The Scottish bus driver
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?"
"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:58 PM

Asian Breasts
A group of Asian women were visiting a village somewhere deep in Africa when they came across a trader selling human breasts.
One of the Asian ladies asked the trader, "Why are you selling women's breasts?"
The trader replied, "Locally, we have found that consuming the flesh of a woman's breast can increase men's sex drive, and enlarge the size of their penis."
Hearing with interest about the 'enlarging the penis' the Asian woman was determined to buy some for her husband. She quickly asks the butcher for the price of the breast.
"Well," says the butcher, "It depends on what kind of breast you want. We have black breast, white breast, and Asian breast."
"Give me the price of each." said the Asian lady impatiently.
"The black breasts are $200 a pound," the butcher says, "white breasts are $300 a pound, and the Asian breasts are $400 a pound."
The Asian women were glad to hear that Asian breasts were the most expensive in the breast booth.
"Hey, not bad! Asian breasts are worth more!", said one of the Asian ladies.
"No no no, you don't understand," the trader explains, "you don't know how many Asian women we have to kill to get one pound of breast!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 03:59 PM

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals.
The Chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over; the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:01 PM

Sex Therapy
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:02 PM

Two Carrots
Two carrots were walking down the road one day when all of a sudden a car drove by and hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured carrot to the hospital.
After examining him the doctor came into the waiting room and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend will live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:02 PM

Voodoo Dick
A guy was going on vacation and he didn't want his girl friend to have sex with any other guy while he was gone so the guy want to a porn shop and said to the clerk, "I need something to keep my girlfriend from having sex with another guy!"
So the clerk gets a box and said, "This is a Voodoo Dick. Here is a example of how it works," and the clerk said, "Voodoo Dick, the door!" and the dick went and fucked the door.
Then the clerk said to get in the box say 'voodoo dick your box.'"
So the guy brings it to his girlfriend and shows her how to use it but didn't tell her how to make it stop.
The next morning before she went to work she said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy!" and it was the best sex she ever had, but she didn't know how to get it to stop.
So she went to the Doctors with it fucking her and eventually got in to see a gynaecologist.
She said, "I have a Voodoo Dick in my pussy and there's no way I can get it out!"
The Doctor looks at her suspiciously and says, "Voodoo Dick, my ass!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:04 PM

The Starter Pistol
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband.
As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my mail man came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:05 PM

Misleading Information
This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.
The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.
At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?''
"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:06 PM

The Rather Fortunate Young Bride
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis."
The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis."
The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:08 PM

Hidden Dangers Of Viagra
So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much.
The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers.
The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?'
'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:09 PM

This Is Your Last Warning
Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

OzKaNoz · 06-13-2003, 04:09 PM

The Boob Job
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

06-13-2003, 03:16 PM	#151
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Redneck Driving Etiquette Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to piss off. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:17 PM	#152
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Chickem Wire For Chickens... One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.' The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.' The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.' The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!!' The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!' __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:18 PM	#153
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say.... I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Do you think my hair is too big? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? The tires on that truck are too big. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt? Damned if that polititian ain't honest! We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. You can't feed that to the dog. Trim the fat off that steak. I just love the Opera Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Wrasslin's fake. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:18 PM	#154
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Quick Thinking Rednecks One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:20 PM	#155
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Wiley Old Rooster An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.' __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:21 PM	#156
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Claim To Fame For Alabama If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated. This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:23 PM	#157
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Even More You Might Be A Redneck If... You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line." The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old. You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener. You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug. The strongest smell in your house is butane. Your dog passes gas and you claim it. You think paprika is a Third World country. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take. Your home has more miles on it than your car. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You own a homemade fur coat. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever given rat traps as gifts. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:24 PM	#158
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	A Counterfeiter A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:24 PM	#159
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	What's The Difference... What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo? On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:25 PM	#160
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	A Spelling Test Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:26 PM	#161
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Divorce Lawyer The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want one of them there dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres." The lawyer said, "No you don't understand. Do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere." The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night." The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday." The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning." The lawyer said, "Is she a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I want a dayvorce." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:28 PM	#162
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Best Little Whorehouse In... A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself, "Maybe I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout." The redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman and says, "I've got 5 bucks, give me your best." The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner. The woman shuts the door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then realized that that was the best sex he'd ever had. The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room with a few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women alike. Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table. The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good." The man then chuckles and says, "You should have been here last week, we had a man screwing a chicken." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:29 PM	#163
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Redneck Logic Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:30 PM	#164
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	A Rock Solid Defence A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. "Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:31 PM	#165
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	From A Mother With Love Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:32 PM	#166
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Circumcision, Redneck Style Q: How do you Circumcise a redneck? A: Kick his sister in the chin. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:34 PM	#167
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	On The Construction Site There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement." Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt." Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies." Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done. At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy. Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy. Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?" All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:35 PM	#168
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Broken Down In Alaska A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car suddenly broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. The service man opened the hood and after a while the looked up and said, "It looks like you've blown a seal." The man replied, "No, it's just frost on my moustache." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:36 PM	#169
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	If I Could Talk To The Animals A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk." Indian: "Horse no talk" Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?" Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk." Indian: "Dog no talk." Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?" Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk." Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:37 PM	#170
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Captain And The First Officer It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?" The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbour. That's why I don't like Chinese." The First Officer said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That JAPANESE, not Chinese." And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike." Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew." The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg ... no mattah ... all same." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:38 PM	#171
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Going The Distance A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:39 PM	#172
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Master Samurai Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:39 PM	#173
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Looking For The Perfect Wife There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee." He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:41 PM	#174
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Preparing For A Crash Landing Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing!" The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned "Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well they always search for the black box first?" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:41 PM	#175
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Our Proud Heritage When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee." The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche." The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee". The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee." The little boy says, "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around. "He said hummmm, where the Fuckawee" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:43 PM	#176
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	A Spanish Delicacy A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller. "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:44 PM	#177
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Loaded Navigator During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?" The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table. The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:45 PM	#178
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Amish Girl's First Date There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night, and the Amish still ride in buggies. Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The Girl said to her mother, "it's supposed to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied, "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there way. On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied, "my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm." Her date said to her, "well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did. After returning home from her date she asked her mother, "What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:45 PM	#179
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	The Egyptian Time Keeper There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!" One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals." "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:46 PM	#180
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Death Or Booka? Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass. The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass. The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!" __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:48 PM	#181
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Handy Phrases For Back Packers In The Middle East 1 Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan. Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. 2 Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters. 3 Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe. 4 Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart. 5 Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. 6 Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life. 7 Balli, Balli, Balli Whatever you say. 8 Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. 9 Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:48 PM	#182
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	An Amazing Discovery German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones. __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:49 PM	#183
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Going Back To School A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:50 PM	#184
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Bigot's Beware There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant. "Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews." The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness." Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered. One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting

06-13-2003, 03:52 PM	#185
OzKaNoz Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Deep With In Your Mind Posts: 1,834	Four old cowboys Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world. First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain." Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed." Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light." Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea." All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?" Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before." First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?" Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn on that goddamn light...." __________________ Techie Media Web Hosting