| BoyAlley |
11-05-2007 05:45 PM |
We Are Your Neighbors
Well since there's been much homosexual to-do on the board today, and since some have asked questions about gay rights, I thought I'd post a letter to the editor that I wrote for my local newspaper a couple of months ago.
I post this with some hesitation. It's a serious piece that I wrote for a serious medium, for anyone that truly wants to understand things from the perspective of a gay man in this country today.
Obviously skip the long rant if you're not at all interested:
We Are Your Neighbors.
I was sitting here watching the news tonight as I always do, when I saw that it was starting to happen again. Commentators preaching about the need to "save marriage" and to "protect children", and condemning "activist judges". The replaying of campaign ads by some Republican Candidates, proclaiming that the Constitution of the United States needs amended to "defend traditional families", foreshadows what's in store between now and the next election.
Every time the issue of gay marriage comes up, I start hearing people talk about the need to defend "family values". I used to think I knew what that phrase meant. I used to think it was something that I lived my life by. But politicians and television commentators say the way I live my life is anything but "family" and is void of any of the "values" they recognize as being important.
When I first started hearing these things during the last election, they made me angry. To be honest, they made me very angry. This time though, I just sat there in front of my television for a few minutes, and found myself getting emotional.
Don't people understand, that we are your neighbors?
I was born and raised in this town. I graduated from the local high school, and soon after I started up a business on main street. I was raised to be community oriented, and have always done my best to give back however I can. Whether it was volunteering at the Geriatric Center during my high school years, or making donations to local charities as a business owner, I've always been mindful of lessons taught to me by my mother growing up. She taught me that while you might not be able to change the world, you most certainly can make a huge difference in your own little corner of the universe.
It wasn't but a year after I graduated from High School that I met the person that would become my life partner. He's always been community oriented as well, and has worked as a Police Officer since before I even knew him. I had just turned 20 when we met, and he was 21. It's been 9 years now since the day that we first moved in together as a loving couple.
We support each other just like any "normal" couple that you might know. I balance the checkbook because he hates dealing with paperwork, and he cooks dinner because I burn things. I usually clean the bathroom because it's the thing he despises doing the most, and he folds the laundry because I can never seem to get the jeans to crease as well as he can. We care for each other if one should get a cold, we comfort each other through rough times, and we celebrate personal achievements and triumphs. We tell each other to make a wish on our birthdays before blowing out the candles, and buy that special little something we know the other would really like. Everyone's aware that life has its ups and downs, and my partner and I are there for each other through them all.
Our story is not a unique one. There are countless gay couples like us, living in towns like this one, all across the country. We want to love and care for each other, and we want to make a difference in the communities that we call home.
We of course can't be married, and it's something that I think about often. Not because either of us has any desire to don a white dress and prance down an aisle tossing rose peddles, but because we, well: Let me stop here and tell you about one of the things I fear most in life.
As I've mentioned, my partner is a Police Officer. If someone were to break into your home in the middle of the night, and you made a frantic call for help, it might very well be he that would be the one rushing to your house as fast as he could. He would be there to protect you, and to defend you and your family from someone that would seek do harm.
Now let's say the unthinkable were to happen, and while trying to protect you, while trying to protect your family, he got shot. It's a scene that replays itself across this country all the time, and while I try to keep it distant in my mind, I know that danger exists. It's why every day as he leaves for work I give him a big hug, feeling to make sure his bulletproof vest is on right. It's why I never let him leave home without first telling him that I love him, and to be safe. Anyone reading this who has a loved one that?s a Police Officer, or a Fireman, or is a member of our Armed Services, knows the feeling well.
If that unthinkable were to ever happen, and I got ?the call?, I would want to do what any loving partner would do. I would want to run to the hospital to be with him, to hold his hand and tell him that I love him and that everything's going to be OK. If he weren't able to talk, I would want to be able to give the doctors permission to perform whatever tests, or treatments, or surgery they felt he needed . I would want to be there looking over him every minute to see he was getting the best of care, and to comfort him. His job may be to protect all of you, but in his time of need, my job is to protect him.
Unfortunately, in this country today, those are rights that I do not have as his partner.
If the very worst were to occur, and he should die from those injuries, I would want to care for my partner in death. I would want to see that he was treated with dignity and respect, is remembered as the incredible person he is, and that he is given a proper burial next to a place reserved for me when my time comes.
Those too are rights that I do not have as his partner.
I would want to stay in our dream home, to be surrounded by my memories of the times we shared together. If we were married, I would inherit "his half" of the house tax free. But we are not married, and many loving gay couples lose their homes every year because they can?t afford to pay the death taxes due after their partner dies. In the eyes of the law, my partner and I are strangers.
If the worst doesn?t happen, and my partner and I live our dreams of retiring and growing old together, there are a whole host of other challenges we will need to overcome. From our inability to get a family medical insurance plan to our lack of survivor benefits, the list of difficulties aging gay couples face is enormous.
In fact, there are over 1,000 federal laws and benefits that exist to help married couples care for and protect one another. None of those protections are available to gay couples. We are forced instead to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars having legal documents drawn up, to try and provide some meager protections for our relationships. "Powers of Attorney", "Trusts", "Living Wills", "Health Care Surrogate Contracts", the list goes on and on. None of these are legal documents that were originally designed for couples. They are often easily challenged in court by third parties, and provide none of the local, state, or federal protections that any ?normal? couple is granted by taking thirty minutes and spending $50 for a marriage license down at their local courthouse.
To make things even more challenging for us, many of the laws and amendments that politicians and commentators are currently touting would deny us even those very few slapstick protections that we are able to achieve through various contracts today. While no one can ever legislate away the love that I have for my partner, they are working to make it virtually impossible for my partner and I to legally provide for our relationship.
We are a team, my partner and I, and no matter what we will continue to do whatever it takes to care for one another. Overcoming social stigmas, stereotypes, discrimination, and an army of legal hurdles just adds to the stress of everyday life. While I try to always be steady in my resolve, sometimes I just wish others weren?t always working to make it so difficult for me to love someone.
I will never understand why so many people currently think that my partner and I are a "threat to marriage", or why they feel a constitutional amendment needs to be passed banning gay marriage to "protect children". I will never understand what these "traditional families" are that they believe I'm out to destroy, and I'm starting to believe that the "values" that they talk of will always remain a mystery to me as well.
All I know to do is be true to who I am, live a life that feels right to live, care for the person that I deeply love, and contribute to a community that has helped to raise me. As for ever being able to marry my partner, I am left with little choice but to keep being patient. I am waiting for the day that people in this country wake up one morning and realize I am not your enemy, and that I'm not out to destroy your lives or civilization as we know it. I'm here to lend a hand to you anyway that I can, because after all, that's what neighbors are supposed to do.
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