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How do you say "Banana" to the deaf person?
BANANA!!! |
What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork. |
Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first. "We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her." "What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?" As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow." |
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A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
“I’d like to buy a horth”, he says to the owner of the farm. “What sort of horse?” asks the owner. “A female horth,” the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. “Nithe horth,” says the dwarf, “Can I thee her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes and puts him down again. “Nithe eyeth”, says the dwarf, “Can I thee her teeth?” Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth and puts him down. “Nithe teeth… May I now see her eerth?” the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down. “Nithe eerth,” he says. “Now… Can I see her twot?” “With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep inside the horse’s v*gina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says, “Perhaps I should weefwaze that: Can I see her wun awound?” :1orglaugh |
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. She gagged. |
bump for more!
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What's black and brown and looks good on a n*gger?
A Doberman. |
a woman goes to the hosipital to give birth and is in the delievery room when the Doctor walks in and starts to help when he proclaims " OH shit the baby is coming out feet first you need to push while i'll pull on feet"
Ok says the girl takes a deep breath and starts to push when he grabs the baby's feet and pulls HE suddenly takes the baby's feet and swings the baby over his head slams it on the table and tells the nurse to go long and throws it at the nurse MY BABY MY BABY WHAT ARE YOU DOING Relax maam the Dr. says I was just playing around the baby was already dead Q; whats female and hates sex??? A; the 10 year old I got locked in the trunk |
Q; what do you call a bunch of black motorcycle riders??
a; CHOCOLATE CHIPS |
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Grandma Goes to Court
Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years. Defense! Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch! |
little 6 year old betty walks up to her grandpa
betty: hey, grandpa. can you show me a magic trick? grandpa: sure, sit on my lap. betty sits down on his lap. grandpa: now, do you feel a finger poking up your ass? betty: yeah... grandpa: see, no hands!!!! |
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom. A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD." "What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!" "Oh, thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!" |
bump for more!
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AIDS
A man walks in to a doctors office and says, "Doctor you must help me. I have AIDS." The doctor replies, "Are you gay?" The man answers "yes." The doctor says, "I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice... Take all of the laxatives and drink all of the prune juice, then take a nap for a couple of hours... When you wake up your problem will be solved." The man answers, "Will that cure my AIDS?" The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your ass hole is really for!" |
Funeral suit
A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" "No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?" He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads." |
how many afghans does it take to change a lightbulb?
depends on how high you stack them... |
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Got any more? I'm bored.
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So this guy is riding a camel in the desert, and he's been wandering for days... he's dehydrated, going crazy, and you know, one day slides down and humps the camel
the camel is like dude that's not cool I'm gonna leave you here but like any good joke it happens a few more times just when the camel was going to run off (don't ask me why he didn't leave in the first place, Stockholm Syndrome I guess) they came upon an oasis there's this magic lamp and a beautiful genie comes out saying "I can grant you your heart's desires" not missing a beat the guy says, "could you hold the camel?" |
The difference between a cheeseburger and a 6 year old?
I don't cum in my cheeseburger before I eat it. |
There's a rabbi , a protestant minister and a catholic priest aboard a sinking ship .
The rabbi says : Lets save the wives and kids first The protestant minister says : OK for the wives , but fuck the kids The catholic priest says: Can we ??? |
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To celebrate London gaining the 2012 Olypmics Durex have decided to make the official Olympic pack of three condoms.One gold,one silver and one bronze in each pack of three.
After telling the missus she suggested i wear the silver one and try to come second for a change. |
Two condoms are walking down the street. As they stop in front of a gay bar, one asked the other "Hey...what do you say we go in and get shitfaced?"
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Q: What the worst thing about getting a lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone elses phlegm! |
:1orglaughHilarious jokes...
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Push for some more jokes
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Why Do black people only have nightmares?
Because the only one who had a dream was killed. Why do black people have chickens in the backyard? To teach their kids how to walk. What do you call a truckload of black people? Outdated farm equipment. What do you call 300 white men Chasing a Black man? The PGA tour. What do you call a black man flying a plane? A Pilot you fucking Racist! What do you call a car full of mexicans going over a cliff? A waste. You can fit a bunch more in the trunk. How do you kill 10,000 ethiopians? Throw a cookie over a cliff. Whats better than watching the UFC? Tell the ethiopians someone ate the cookie. |
Michael Jackson's best friend says to him: "hey Michael, you know you're a bit of a pedophile?" So he replies...
"Gosh, that's a big word for a 9 year old!!" |
michael jackson in the jacuzi with some young boys a bubble a sperm come out of the water !
michael watch them with a smile and say: which one have farted? |
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a tampon and ask him which period it’s from. |
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS) :
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask," What are you thinking? " She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her? Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, " Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? ", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize "it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! " |
Q: whats poerfect ten for Michael Jackson?
A: Two 5 year olds |
This one deserves a bump, great thread! :)
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2 palestinian women walking down the road, one turns to the other and says:
"Does my bomb look big in this?" (americans, bum = ass) |
lol some of these are pretty bad
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glad to see people bumping my thread. In the spirit of it I'll post a tasteless joke:
Mongolian V.D. An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom. A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD." "What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!" "Oh, thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!" |
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