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Hey mister, what's a pedophile?
Shut up and keep sucking! |
whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne?
Acne doesn't come over an 8 year olds face |
Where did the Challenger Crew take their Vacation?
All Over Florida. =========== What do you call a bus full of lawyers, with one empty seat, going over the side of a bridge to a watery grave? A waste of a perfectly good seat. |
What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?
Nice tits! |
You're all going to hell. :1orglaugh
Oh, wait, we're all porn peddlers... Nevermind. :) |
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?" "Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man." "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." "Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man. |
Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus. Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple. But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water. When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet." |
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...
"Can you put me up for the night?" -------------------------- Why can't Jesus eat M&M's? They keep falling through his hands. ---------------------------- What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting? You only need one nail to hold up a picture. |
Oh man this is a great thread, I am disturbing so many people on my buddy lists
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Did you hear the one about the baby n!gger who went to heaven and got his wings?
He said, "God! Look! I'm an angel!", and God said, "No you stupid n!gger! You're a bat, now eff off!" |
whats the difference between women and dog shit?
none older they are easier you can pick them up |
Why did they let a woman go into space?
she was 5lbs lighter than an automatic dish washer |
omg!!! some of these are seriously fucked! Funny as hell tho... :P
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Some guy walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the guy. "You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?" "Dunno . . . Never found the head!" |
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Put it in a deep freeze for a week, then take a chainsaw to it: meeeeeeeoooooooww |
How do you know if an Asian robbed your house?
Your homework's done, your computer's upgraded, but 2 hours later the fucker's still trying to back out of the driveway |
Which city has the fastest readers in the world?
New Yorkers, they can go through a 110 stories in 5 seconds Why are there so many cats stuck in the trees in New York? All the firemen are dead. |
This thread has slowed down, let's bump it. :)
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A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning." So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed. The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again." So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see." To which the mother replied, "April fool!" |
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor |
Whats worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
The sound it makes when your ripping it off... |
What did Hitler say to the black Jew?
Get to the back of the oven.... I swear I am not prejudice, I hate em all equally |
Little Johnny was late for school. When he arrived in class the teacher asked "Johnny, why weren't you in school on time?"
Johnny replies "I'm sorry miss, my auntie got burned this morning" "I'm so sorry to hear that Johnny" replies the teacher "was it serious?" "Oh yes miss" says Johnny "They don't fuck around at that crematorium" |
What's the hardest part about eating a hairless pussy?
Getting the diaper back on. Sorry if that one was already posted. |
Why did the blonde drive around Oklahoma City in a Ryder truck?
She heard it was a blast. |
Police were warned about the Virginia Tech shooter months ago but when they heard the dorm had a crazy slant, they just assumed the building wasn't level.
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If Paul drags a black person behind his truck for 37 minutes at 55 miles per hour, how many miles has Paul driven?
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a blond goes to the doctors complaining of a pain in her knees. The doctor asks "so whats the problem?"
"Well" she says, "Every time I make love, I get this terrible pain in my knees" "hmmm" replies the doctor "Have you tried changing positions?" "yes!" she says "But you haven't smelled by dogs breath..." |
Awesome thread :)
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Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary! |
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There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.
One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. "I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom." |
What's the worst thing about fucking a 3 yr old ?
Getting the blood out of the clownsuit. j/k |
what's cold & wet and fucks old people ?
Hypothermia. |
what's big & blue and fucks babies ?
me in my special blue raincoat. |
Dogs day
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room. When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for. He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?" The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all." The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!" "So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog. The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done." |
In a pickle
A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit." So the man said, "Shut up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!" |
A guy at the doctor's office.
Guy:"Doctor my hearing is very bad, i can't even hear me fart" Doctor:"No problem! Take this pill every 8 hours, and your problem is solved." Guy:"Am i going to hear better?" Doctor:" No, but you are going to fart louder!" |
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