A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,
"Bloody thing's an hour fast.."

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Damn that was a good one, all kinds of messed up....but a good one!

A blind man is sitting at a bar when he loudly announces "Listen up, I know the funniest blonde joke you'll ever hear".

The Barman leans over and says "Are you sure you wanna tell that joke mister? Before you do, you'd better understand that I'm blonde; the big guy sitting next to you is blonde; and that huge, mean guy standing by the door, that's my bouncer and he's blonde too".

"Oh okay, perhaps I'll save it for another time" says the blind man, "I don't wanna have to explain it five times"

There's an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked".

The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms.
I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

What's the best thing about getting a handjob from any 8 year old boy?











































Your cock looks really BIG in the pictures

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

or

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14


and

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Q: Why did Michael Jackson shop at K-Marts

A: He heard kids pants were half off

wtf..............

50 bad taste jokes :)

Seriously, dead baby jokes. I didn't read the whole thread and stopped here.

Paused, then giggled!

Q: What do you get when you skin a dead baby?
A: Erection

Q: What's better than fucking a dead baby against a barb wire fence?
A: Nothing

Q: What's the difference between a Cadillac and 10,000 dead babys?
A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage

Ok I can't believe I know that many, funny part is a hot drunk girl told all of those to me!

what's the diff between black peeps and tires?

tires don't sing when ya put chains on them...

Why Doesn't jesus like to play hockey?
Hes afraid he'll get nailed to the boards.

:1orglaugh

How do you get a nigger to commit suicide? Tell him to get a job or jump off a cliff.

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

















Quarter pounder with cheese.

Q:What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
A:Who ordered the 2 jumbo's?

Q:How do you stop a black guy from drowning?
A:Take your foot of his head!

Q: How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
A: Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.

Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven?
A: God gave him his gas bill.

Q: What's the best part about 6 year old girls?
A: After you're done with them, you can turn them over and use them as 6 year-old boys!

Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
A: Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

Q: How do you starve a mexican?
A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

& finally....

How much does jesus love you?

*Spreads arms and looks mopey*

A little girl comes home from school, "Mummy Mummy! I got an A in class today!"

The Mum looks at the girls and says. "What do you care - you've got cancer."

Ouchh low blow low blow

Q-- What's the difference between a Muslim and a bag of shit?
A-- The bag.

Btw i totally am not racist!

A mexican and a black race off a cliff.. who wins?





....Society

whats the difference between Saddam and a tampon?

Ones a piece of string hanging from a cunt, the others a cunt hanging from a piece of string

;)

A man walks into a bar.
He shouts accross the bar at a group of lads "I fucked your mother!"
The boys ignore him.
He shouts again "And I fucked her up the arse!"
The boys still ignore him.
Annoyed, he shouts again "And then she sucked my dick!"
One of the boys shouts "Dad go home your pissed"

hahahahaha

lol at this thread.

2 friends meet at a high school reunion after 30 years.

Bob: Hey! How did your IT business kick off?
Bill: Great thanks. I made a million $! How did yours go?
Bob: I didn;t graduate, so I set up a brothel. In one room downstairs I catered for straight men. For guys who want to fuck women, you know. In another room, I catered for homoesexuals. For guys who want to fuck guys. And upstairs, we catered for...pedos... you know, guys that want to fuck kids.
Bill: Wow, sounds big business.
Bob: yeah I made a million $, but it was hard at first with just me, the wife and the kids :thumbsup

what's blue, 15 inches and makes every woman scream?






stillbirth.

bad jokes? welcome to the internet boys...

Let's hear more. :)

Hitler: Tuday, Hitlerr is feeling generrouz. Tuday, Hitlerr is sending half of you home! Jews of the concentration camp: Heeee!!!!!!! (joy and happiness). Hitler: Hans, brring ze chainsaw!


What's the difference between a ton of coal and a thousand Jews? Jews burn longer.




Have you heard about the new German microwave? It's got ten seats inside.



Question: Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
Answer: They give them gas.


Two Jewish children are sitting on top of a roof near a chimney. A passer-by asks, 'What are you doing there?' 'We are waiting for our parents.'

bump for more jokes! :pimp:

(I text a few to my brother lol)

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"

The redhead says, yes it is.

The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".

The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."

The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?

A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger."

The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.." then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."

A kid to his mommy:

-Mommy, what is that? (pointing to her crotch)

-Not knowing exactly how to say it : It's where god touched me with his golden axe.

-Geez! That must have hurt when he hit you in the snatch with that axe.

What's the last thing that was heard on the columbia shuttle before it blew?

Don't push that button you stupid bitch!!!!

Why did Jesus miss the last game between Nazareth and Bethleem?

Because he was suspended!:1orglaugh