A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor

Whats worse than a baby nailed to a tree?

The sound it makes when your ripping it off...

What did Hitler say to the black Jew?

Get to the back of the oven....


I swear I am not prejudice, I hate em all equally

Little Johnny was late for school. When he arrived in class the teacher asked "Johnny, why weren't you in school on time?"
Johnny replies "I'm sorry miss, my auntie got burned this morning"
"I'm so sorry to hear that Johnny" replies the teacher "was it serious?"
"Oh yes miss" says Johnny "They don't fuck around at that crematorium"

What's the hardest part about eating a hairless pussy?

Getting the diaper back on.


Sorry if that one was already posted.

Why did the blonde drive around Oklahoma City in a Ryder truck?

She heard it was a blast.

Police were warned about the Virginia Tech shooter months ago but when they heard the dorm had a crazy slant, they just assumed the building wasn't level.

If Paul drags a black person behind his truck for 37 minutes at 55 miles per hour, how many miles has Paul driven?

a blond goes to the doctors complaining of a pain in her knees. The doctor asks "so whats the problem?"
"Well" she says, "Every time I make love, I get this terrible pain in my knees"
"hmmm" replies the doctor "Have you tried changing positions?"
"yes!" she says "But you haven't smelled by dogs breath..."

Awesome thread :)

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.

Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

What's the worst thing about fucking a 3 yr old ?




Getting the blood out of the clownsuit.




j/k

what's cold & wet and fucks old people ?





Hypothermia.

what's big & blue and fucks babies ?





me in my special blue raincoat.

Dogs day

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.

He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.

The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."

In a pickle

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick.

For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said, "Shut up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

A guy at the doctor's office.
Guy:"Doctor my hearing is very bad, i can't even hear me fart"

Doctor:"No problem! Take this pill every 8 hours, and your problem is solved."

Guy:"Am i going to hear better?"

Doctor:" No, but you are going to fart louder!"

How do you say "Banana" to the deaf person?
BANANA!!!

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?



You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

I like this one

A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.

“I’d like to buy a horth”, he says to the owner of the farm.

“What sort of horse?” asks the owner.

“A female horth,” the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

“Nithe horth,” says the dwarf, “Can I thee her eyeth?”

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes and
puts him down again.

“Nithe eyeth”, says the dwarf, “Can I thee her teeth?”

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth and
puts him down.

“Nithe teeth… May I now see her eerth?” the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the
dwarf to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down.

“Nithe eerth,” he says. “Now… Can I see her twot?”

“With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the
scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep
inside the horse’s v*gina. He holds him there for a couple of
seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, “Perhaps I should weefwaze that:

Can I see her wun awound?”

:1orglaugh

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A. She gagged.

bump for more!

What's black and brown and looks good on a n*gger?



A Doberman.

a woman goes to the hosipital to give birth and is in the delievery room when the Doctor walks in and starts to help when he proclaims " OH shit the baby is coming out feet first you need to push while i'll pull on feet"
Ok says the girl takes a deep breath and starts to push when he grabs the baby's feet and pulls

HE suddenly takes the baby's feet and swings the baby over his head slams it on the table and tells the nurse to go long and throws it at the nurse
MY BABY MY BABY WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Relax maam the Dr. says I was just playing around the baby was already dead

Q; whats female and hates sex???
A; the 10 year old I got locked in the trunk

Q; what do you call a bunch of black motorcycle riders??
a; CHOCOLATE CHIPS

imo, that is the best joke of the thread

Grandma Goes to Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

little 6 year old betty walks up to her grandpa
betty: hey, grandpa. can you show me a magic trick?
grandpa: sure, sit on my lap.
betty sits down on his lap.
grandpa: now, do you feel a finger poking up your ass?
betty: yeah...
grandpa: see, no hands!!!!

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.

A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.

Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."

"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

bump for more!

AIDS

A man walks in to a doctors office and says, "Doctor you must help me.
I have AIDS."

The doctor replies, "Are you gay?"

The man answers "yes."

The doctor says, "I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice...

Take all of the laxatives and drink all of the prune juice, then take a nap for a couple of hours...

When you wake up your problem will be solved."

The man answers, "Will that cure my
AIDS?" The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your ass hole is really for!"

Funeral suit

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be
buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads."

how many afghans does it take to change a lightbulb?

depends on how high you stack them...

Awesome! :thumbsup

Got any more? I'm bored.

So this guy is riding a camel in the desert, and he's been wandering for days... he's dehydrated, going crazy, and you know, one day slides down and humps the camel

the camel is like dude that's not cool I'm gonna leave you here

but like any good joke it happens a few more times

just when the camel was going to run off (don't ask me why he didn't leave in the first place, Stockholm Syndrome I guess) they came upon an oasis

there's this magic lamp and a beautiful genie comes out saying "I can grant you your heart's desires"

not missing a beat the guy says,

"could you hold the camel?"

The difference between a cheeseburger and a 6 year old?

I don't cum in my cheeseburger before I eat it.

There's a rabbi , a protestant minister and a catholic priest aboard a sinking ship .

The rabbi says : Lets save the wives and kids first

The protestant minister says : OK for the wives , but fuck the kids

The catholic priest says: Can we ???

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

To celebrate London gaining the 2012 Olypmics Durex have decided to make the official Olympic pack of three condoms.One gold,one silver and one bronze in each pack of three.

After telling the missus she suggested i wear the silver one and try to come second for a change.

Two condoms are walking down the street. As they stop in front of a gay bar, one asked the other "Hey...what do you say we go in and get shitfaced?"

Q: What the worst thing about getting a lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone elses phlegm!

:1orglaughHilarious jokes...

Push for some more jokes

Why Do black people only have nightmares?

Because the only one who had a dream was killed.




Why do black people have chickens in the backyard?

To teach their kids how to walk.



What do you call a truckload of black people?

Outdated farm equipment.


What do you call 300 white men Chasing a Black man?

The PGA tour.



What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A Pilot you fucking Racist!



What do you call a car full of mexicans going over a cliff?

A waste. You can fit a bunch more in the trunk.



How do you kill 10,000 ethiopians?

Throw a cookie over a cliff.


Whats better than watching the UFC?

Tell the ethiopians someone ate the cookie.