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what's the diff between black peeps and tires? tires don't sing when ya put chains on them... |
Why Doesn't jesus like to play hockey?
Hes afraid he'll get nailed to the boards. |
:1orglaugh
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What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese. |
Q:What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
A:Who ordered the 2 jumbo's? Q:How do you stop a black guy from drowning? A:Take your foot of his head! Q: How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice? A: Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear. Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven? A: God gave him his gas bill. Q: What's the best part about 6 year old girls? A: After you're done with them, you can turn them over and use them as 6 year-old boys! Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? A: Santa Claus goes down the chimney. Q: How do you starve a mexican? A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots. & finally.... How much does jesus love you? *Spreads arms and looks mopey* |
A little girl comes home from school, "Mummy Mummy! I got an A in class today!"
The Mum looks at the girls and says. "What do you care - you've got cancer." |
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Q-- What's the difference between a Muslim and a bag of shit?
A-- The bag. Btw i totally am not racist! |
A mexican and a black race off a cliff.. who wins?
....Society |
whats the difference between Saddam and a tampon?
Ones a piece of string hanging from a cunt, the others a cunt hanging from a piece of string ;) |
A man walks into a bar.
He shouts accross the bar at a group of lads "I fucked your mother!" The boys ignore him. He shouts again "And I fucked her up the arse!" The boys still ignore him. Annoyed, he shouts again "And then she sucked my dick!" One of the boys shouts "Dad go home your pissed" hahahahaha |
lol at this thread.
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2 friends meet at a high school reunion after 30 years.
Bob: Hey! How did your IT business kick off? Bill: Great thanks. I made a million $! How did yours go? Bob: I didn;t graduate, so I set up a brothel. In one room downstairs I catered for straight men. For guys who want to fuck women, you know. In another room, I catered for homoesexuals. For guys who want to fuck guys. And upstairs, we catered for...pedos... you know, guys that want to fuck kids. Bill: Wow, sounds big business. Bob: yeah I made a million $, but it was hard at first with just me, the wife and the kids :thumbsup |
what's blue, 15 inches and makes every woman scream?
stillbirth. |
bad jokes? welcome to the internet boys...
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Let's hear more. :)
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Hitler: Tuday, Hitlerr is feeling generrouz. Tuday, Hitlerr is sending half of you home! Jews of the concentration camp: Heeee!!!!!!! (joy and happiness). Hitler: Hans, brring ze chainsaw!
What's the difference between a ton of coal and a thousand Jews? Jews burn longer. Have you heard about the new German microwave? It's got ten seats inside. Question: Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? Answer: They give them gas. Two Jewish children are sitting on top of a roof near a chimney. A passer-by asks, 'What are you doing there?' 'We are waiting for our parents.' |
bump for more jokes! :pimp:
(I text a few to my brother lol) |
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” |
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep |
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man. 'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! 'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. 'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife. The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!' |
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" |
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *she studied for a blood test. *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home |
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next." |
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"
The redhead says, yes it is. The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky". The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart." The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"? |
A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger."
The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.." then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger." |
A kid to his mommy:
-Mommy, what is that? (pointing to her crotch) -Not knowing exactly how to say it : It's where god touched me with his golden axe. -Geez! That must have hurt when he hit you in the snatch with that axe. |
What's the last thing that was heard on the columbia shuttle before it blew?
Don't push that button you stupid bitch!!!! |
Why did Jesus miss the last game between Nazareth and Bethleem?
Because he was suspended!:1orglaugh |
Hey mister, what's a pedophile?
Shut up and keep sucking! |
whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne?
Acne doesn't come over an 8 year olds face |
Where did the Challenger Crew take their Vacation?
All Over Florida. =========== What do you call a bus full of lawyers, with one empty seat, going over the side of a bridge to a watery grave? A waste of a perfectly good seat. |
What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?
Nice tits! |
You're all going to hell. :1orglaugh
Oh, wait, we're all porn peddlers... Nevermind. :) |
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?" "Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man." "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." "Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man. |
Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus. Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple. But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water. When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet." |
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...
"Can you put me up for the night?" -------------------------- Why can't Jesus eat M&M's? They keep falling through his hands. ---------------------------- What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting? You only need one nail to hold up a picture. |
Oh man this is a great thread, I am disturbing so many people on my buddy lists
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Did you hear the one about the baby n!gger who went to heaven and got his wings?
He said, "God! Look! I'm an angel!", and God said, "No you stupid n!gger! You're a bat, now eff off!" |
whats the difference between women and dog shit?
none older they are easier you can pick them up |
Why did they let a woman go into space?
she was 5lbs lighter than an automatic dish washer |
omg!!! some of these are seriously fucked! Funny as hell tho... :P
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Some guy walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the guy. "You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?" "Dunno . . . Never found the head!" |
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Put it in a deep freeze for a week, then take a chainsaw to it: meeeeeeeoooooooww |
How do you know if an Asian robbed your house?
Your homework's done, your computer's upgraded, but 2 hours later the fucker's still trying to back out of the driveway |
Which city has the fastest readers in the world?
New Yorkers, they can go through a 110 stories in 5 seconds Why are there so many cats stuck in the trees in New York? All the firemen are dead. |
This thread has slowed down, let's bump it. :)
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