Sick ass Jokes...(post yours inside) ;-) - GoFuckYourself.com

Jman · 06-28-2006, 03:24 PM

OK let's post sick ass jokes in this thread

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

-----------------

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

-----------------

brother and sister watching the tv, boy is 12, girl is14.
boy says to girl, "you are having your period arnt you".
girl says "no i am not".
boy says"yes you are".
girl says "ok, i am but how do you know?".
boy says .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................."i could taste the blood on dads dick"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

notabook · 06-28-2006, 03:33 PM

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. The says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 03:51 PM

One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart." That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he =20 mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He =20 deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer lights up, and ten =20 seconds later prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 03:52 PM

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no! He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 03:53 PM

6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 03:53 PM

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....

"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban"

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out.....

"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban"

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again....

"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... "Don't send any more men... it's a trap... there's two of them!"...

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 03:54 PM

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 03:56 PM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he'd be able to get home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, even offering his credit card numbers, drivers license number, address, and so forth, but to no avail. The cabbie yelled, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to catch a ride back to the airport.

Naturally, sitting at the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the driver pay for his lack of charity, when he came up with the perfect plan.

He got in the first cab in line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he finally got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 03:56 PM

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 03:58 PM

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

mikesouth · 06-28-2006, 04:01 PM

OK fair warning if you are of the sensitive nature just scroll down and read the next one

what do you get when you cross a chinaman, a black guy, a mexican and a lawn sprinkler

chink chink nigga nigga spiiiiic spiiiiic

Its rare you can offend THREE minorities with one joke

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:02 PM

A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."

The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.

Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like girls?"

The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."

Slick · 06-28-2006, 04:03 PM

What do you need to make pickle bread ??
Dill dough (dildo)

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:03 PM

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:04 PM

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:05 PM

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Jman · 06-28-2006, 04:06 PM

ROFLMAO Keep em coming Gimo ;-)

Scott McD · 06-28-2006, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMan

brother and sister watching the tv, boy is 12, girl is14.
boy says to girl, "you are having your period arnt you".
girl says "no i am not".
boy says"yes you are".
girl says "ok, i am but how do you know?".
boy says .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................."i could taste the blood on dads dick"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:06 PM

Bill was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100! "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bill had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:07 PM

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, Ihahaha8217;m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. Ihahaha8217;ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus hehahaha8217;s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:08 PM

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:09 PM

During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."

"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.

A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.

"Yes Sir!" Black answers.

This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:10 PM

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

gimo33 · 06-28-2006, 04:10 PM

and i'm out..... hope you find those funny

madawgz · 06-28-2006, 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMan

OK let's post sick ass jokes in this thread

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

-----------------

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

-----------------

brother and sister watching the tv, boy is 12, girl is14.
boy says to girl, "you are having your period arnt you".
girl says "no i am not".
boy says"yes you are".
girl says "ok, i am but how do you know?".
boy says .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................."i could taste the blood on dads dick"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

wtf?

gecko · 06-28-2006, 09:17 PM

lol............

candyflip · 06-28-2006, 09:18 PM

This guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing up all of her shit, getting ready to move out.

He asks, "Baby...what are you doing?"

She says, "I'm leaving you."

"Why?" He asks.

"Because your a pedophile," she quickly answers back.

"Pedophile? Thats a pretty big word for a 12 year old"

Penthouse Tony · 06-28-2006, 09:34 PM

gimo how about you post one now?

CaptainHowdy · 06-28-2006, 09:44 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLO Good ones

!

Bdiddy · 06-28-2006, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gimo33

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

I like this one

Deraj · 06-28-2006, 09:59 PM

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says...
"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"

Deraj · 06-28-2006, 10:00 PM

s a pregnant woman walked into a bank one day, a man dressed in black came in and shot her three times in the stomach. She was immediately rushed to the hospital.

She survived and had three children... two girls and one boy.

About ten years later, one of the daughters went up to her mother and said..."mom, something really weird happened to me. Yesterday when i was taking a crap I passed a bullet through my ass!"

The mother thought for a moment remembering the shooting that happened and told her daughter not to worry about it.

The next day, the second daughter went up to her mother and said "mom, something really weird happened to me. I was taking a crap the other day and I passed a bullet through my ass...". The mother told her not to worry about it.

The next day, the son went up to his mom and said "hey mom, guess what happened to me?"

The mom interupted - "let me guess, you passed a bullet through you ass too???"

Then he replied "no... I was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

avalanche · 06-28-2006, 10:24 PM

What's the worst thing about having sex with a 8 year old?

Getting the blood out of the clown suit!

Deraj · 06-28-2006, 10:26 PM

What's the best thing about having sex with 28 year olds?

There's 20 of em!

avalanche · 06-28-2006, 10:35 PM

A truck driver is driving his load to vegas when he sees a black guy walking in the desert. He decides to pull over and ask him if he needs a ride as it's like 100 degrees outside. The black guy says yes, but the driver explains that he has to ride in the back due to company policy and to be careful because he has a truckload of bowling balls going to the factory for drilling and packaging.

A little later he sees another black guy pushing a bicycle with a flat tire so he pulls over and gives him a ride too.

Pretty soon they pull up to a truck inspection area where a state trooper goes up to the front of the truck and another goes to the back to inspect the load. Pretty soon the trooped in back opens up the truck screams to the trooper in front to "GET THIS FUCKIN' TRUCK OUT OF HERE!"

The trooper sends the truck away and proceeds to ask "What the Hell!?!? There could have been drugs in there!"

The other trooper says "You don't want to know what I saw!"

Trooper responds "Tell me now or I'll write you up!"

"FINE! It was a truckload of hahahahahaha eggs, two had hatched and one already stole a bicycle!"

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:09 PM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:11 PM

Guy walks into a bar and sits down for a drink and sees Hitler sitting at a table in the corner.
So the guy asks the bartender if thats Hitler and the bartender says yep. Bartender also says that he'll tell you anything you want if you buy him a drink.
So the guy gets another drink and sits down with Hitler and hands him the drink.
The guy: "So exactly how many people did you kill?"
Hitler: "About 600,000 jews and 7 circus clowns"
The guy, suprised replied "7 circus clowns!?"
Hitler: "See! Nobody cares about the jews!"

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:12 PM

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.
The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 Points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.
"Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points)- Which tyre ??

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:13 PM

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:13 PM

After the annual xMas party John woke up with a pounding headache, completely unable to recall the events of the previous night. After an unsteady trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way down stairs, where his wife had put on a pot of coffee for him.
"Darling," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night, was it as bad as it could have been?"
"Even worse," she told him, "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors. You insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"Well he's an arrogant, self-centered prick. I wouldn't bother pissing on him."
"You did. All over his suit and he fired you!"
"Well fuck him!" said John.
"I did, darling. You go back to work Monday."

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:15 PM

An elderly couple were preparing for bed one night when the husband said, "darling, I think you should go bra-less." The wife was delighted. "So you think my breasts are still good enough to go without?" To which he then replied, "No but maybe it will pull the wrinkles down from your face."

------------------------------

A boy walks up to his father and asks, "Dad, is it true that in some places in Africa a man doesn't even know his wife until he marries her?" His father replies, "That happens in every country, son."

---------------------------------

Jews in Auschwitz are going to take a shower. Loud cheers go through the room, as there's real water coming out of the showers. Only an old rabbi sits in the corner, crying. "Hey, what's your problem?", somebody asks. "Fools! Can't you see that there's no drain?"

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:16 PM

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
Some things you just can't explain.

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:17 PM

A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!" The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.
"Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.
"Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop."

-------------------------

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 06-28-2006, 11:18 PM

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything ..."
He returns her gaze, "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens, "Anything?"
"Anything," she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

--------------------------

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

----------------

thats all for me, i'll let a few others post

Vitasoy · 06-29-2006, 04:36 AM

Some of those crack me up

Shocker21 · 06-29-2006, 11:03 AM

Your mama so fat, her Swimming Pool is the ocean and the whales sing we are family

06-28-2006, 03:24 PM	#1
Jman Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Canuckstikan Posts: 22,768	Sick ass Jokes...(post yours inside) ;-) OK let's post sick ass jokes in this thread One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What is that?'' ''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter. So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.'' ''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.'' ----------------- A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours." ----------------- brother and sister watching the tv, boy is 12, girl is14. boy says to girl, "you are having your period arnt you". girl says "no i am not". boy says"yes you are". girl says "ok, i am but how do you know?". boy says .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................."i could taste the blood on dads dick"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. __________________ email: [email protected] Best AI Affiliate Program We also do WL at $0.00 upfront costs FantasyXXX.AI Teams: jean.francois.laverdiere TG: @jman1216

06-28-2006, 03:33 PM	#2
notabook Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Not a Library! Posts: 9,748	These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. The says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!" __________________

06-28-2006, 03:51 PM	#3
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart." That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he =20 mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He =20 deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer lights up, and ten =20 seconds later prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 03:52 PM	#4
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no! He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG. __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 03:53 PM	#5
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!" __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 03:54 PM	#7
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense........... Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign " Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?" __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 03:56 PM	#8
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he'd be able to get home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, even offering his credit card numbers, drivers license number, address, and so forth, but to no avail. The cabbie yelled, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to catch a ride back to the airport. Naturally, sitting at the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the driver pay for his lack of charity, when he came up with the perfect plan. He got in the first cab in line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he finally got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 03:58 PM	#10
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant - "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!" __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 04:01 PM	#11
mikesouth Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: My High Horse Posts: 6,334	OK fair warning if you are of the sensitive nature just scroll down and read the next one what do you get when you cross a chinaman, a black guy, a mexican and a lawn sprinkler chink chink nigga nigga spiiiiic spiiiiic Its rare you can offend THREE minorities with one joke __________________ Mike South It's No wonder I took up drugs and alcohol, it's the only way I could dumb myself down enough to cope with the morons in this biz. Last edited by mikesouth; 06-28-2006 at 04:02 PM..

06-28-2006, 04:02 PM	#12
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music." The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays. The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music." The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay. Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music." The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like girls?" The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music." __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 04:03 PM	#13
Slick Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Houghton, MI Posts: 7,338	What do you need to make pickle bread ?? Dill dough (dildo)

06-28-2006, 04:04 PM	#15
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 04:05 PM	#16
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 04:06 PM	#17
Jman Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Canuckstikan Posts: 22,768	ROFLMAO Keep em coming Gimo ;-) __________________ email: [email protected] Best AI Affiliate Program We also do WL at $0.00 upfront costs FantasyXXX.AI Teams: jean.francois.laverdiere TG: @jman1216

06-28-2006, 04:07 PM	#20
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, Ihahaha8217;m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. Ihahaha8217;ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus hehahaha8217;s screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry". __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 04:08 PM	#21
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life." __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 04:09 PM	#22
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died." "Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack. A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit. "Yes Sir!" Black answers. This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!" __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 04:10 PM	#23
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday' __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-28-2006, 09:17 PM	#26
gecko ****** Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 21,846	lol............ __________________ [email protected]

06-28-2006, 09:18 PM	#27
candyflip Carpe Visio Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: New York Posts: 43,064	This guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing up all of her shit, getting ready to move out. He asks, "Baby...what are you doing?" She says, "I'm leaving you." "Why?" He asks. "Because your a pedophile," she quickly answers back. "Pedophile? Thats a pretty big word for a 12 year old" __________________ Spend you some brain. Email Me

06-28-2006, 09:34 PM	#28
Penthouse Tony Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Mountain View, CA Posts: 5,835	gimo how about you post one now? __________________ aamos AT FFN dot com Penthouse.com Business Development ICQ: 49090846 \| Yahoo IM: ff_aamos

06-28-2006, 09:44 PM	#29
CaptainHowdy Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Happy in the dark. Posts: 93,575	LOLOLOLOLOLO Good ones !

06-28-2006, 10:24 PM	#33
avalanche Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: SoCal Posts: 1,922	What's the worst thing about having sex with a 8 year old? Getting the blood out of the clown suit! __________________ Avalanche CherryPimps - Daily Pornstars, LIVE and more!

06-28-2006, 10:35 PM	#35
avalanche Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: SoCal Posts: 1,922	A truck driver is driving his load to vegas when he sees a black guy walking in the desert. He decides to pull over and ask him if he needs a ride as it's like 100 degrees outside. The black guy says yes, but the driver explains that he has to ride in the back due to company policy and to be careful because he has a truckload of bowling balls going to the factory for drilling and packaging. A little later he sees another black guy pushing a bicycle with a flat tire so he pulls over and gives him a ride too. Pretty soon they pull up to a truck inspection area where a state trooper goes up to the front of the truck and another goes to the back to inspect the load. Pretty soon the trooped in back opens up the truck screams to the trooper in front to "GET THIS FUCKIN' TRUCK OUT OF HERE!" The trooper sends the truck away and proceeds to ask "What the Hell!?!? There could have been drugs in there!" The other trooper says "You don't want to know what I saw!" Trooper responds "Tell me now or I'll write you up!" "FINE! It was a truckload of hahahahahaha eggs, two had hatched and one already stole a bicycle!" __________________ Avalanche CherryPimps - Daily Pornstars, LIVE and more!

06-28-2006, 11:09 PM	#36
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

06-28-2006, 11:11 PM	#37
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	Guy walks into a bar and sits down for a drink and sees Hitler sitting at a table in the corner. So the guy asks the bartender if thats Hitler and the bartender says yep. Bartender also says that he'll tell you anything you want if you buy him a drink. So the guy gets another drink and sits down with Hitler and hands him the drink. The guy: "So exactly how many people did you kill?" Hitler: "About 600,000 jews and 7 circus clowns" The guy, suprised replied "7 circus clowns!?" Hitler: "See! Nobody cares about the jews!"

06-28-2006, 11:12 PM	#38
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 Points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points)- Which tyre ??

06-28-2006, 11:13 PM	#39
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?" "Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man." "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." "Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

06-28-2006, 11:15 PM	#41
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	An elderly couple were preparing for bed one night when the husband said, "darling, I think you should go bra-less." The wife was delighted. "So you think my breasts are still good enough to go without?" To which he then replied, "No but maybe it will pull the wrinkles down from your face." ------------------------------ A boy walks up to his father and asks, "Dad, is it true that in some places in Africa a man doesn't even know his wife until he marries her?" His father replies, "That happens in every country, son." --------------------------------- Jews in Auschwitz are going to take a shower. Loud cheers go through the room, as there's real water coming out of the showers. Only an old rabbi sits in the corner, crying. "Hey, what's your problem?", somebody asks. "Fools! Can't you see that there's no drain?"

06-28-2006, 11:16 PM	#42
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... Some things you just can't explain.

06-28-2006, 11:17 PM	#43
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!" The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing. "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop. "Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop." ------------------------- A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

06-28-2006, 11:18 PM	#44
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything ..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?" -------------------------- A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband." ---------------- thats all for me, i'll let a few others post

06-29-2006, 04:36 AM	#45
Vitasoy GFY HALL OF FAME DAMMIT!!! Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 58,202	Some of those crack me up __________________ [email protected]

06-29-2006, 11:03 AM	#46
Shocker21 So Fucking Banned Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 31	Your mama so fat, her Swimming Pool is the ocean and the whales sing we are family