How do you help a friend who you know is drinking too much?

[SleazyDream]

I have a friend - someone who I hold dear to my heart. Someone who I don't see every day but love spending time with.

The problem is I know this person has a problem with booze. I think they are totally addicted to getting drunk. Everytime I see them it seems like they have to have a drink.

Not everyone might think this person has a problem unless you think about it. Everyone I've talked to privatly about this person - when i mention have they ever been around them without booze present - realizes that there actually may be a problem there.

How do you tell them that they need help without ruining the friendship? I love this person - sober or drunk, but since I do love them I want them to get help.

Please - advise. Anything might help. I've gotten good info from the people at GFY before - hopefully you can help me again this time.

[nexcom28]

Fucked if I know, in my opinion you can't help them it's impossible - only they can help themselves.
I have a friend, I met him about 4 years ago and when I met him he was a drunk, to this day he is a drunk... I believe the reason deep down because he drinks is because his dad died many years ago.. he started drinking and now can't stop.
He is incabable of working and could never hold down a job. He drinks from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed which is usually 5-6am...
The thing is he is a really nice guy. Honest, funny and great to get on with. He knows he should stop but just cannot.. he has even been in mental institutions and the like (because he gets agressive when he drinks) but he cannot stop drinking..

[sandman!]

there is not much you can do besides try to highlight the problem cutting down on drinking or stoping drinking is something the person has to decide to do.

[Violetta]

do THEY know they have a problem? Admitting is the first step...

[SleazyDream]

Originally Posted by Rockatansky

do THEY know they have a problem? Admitting is the first step...

you know - i'm not sure if this person knows to be honest

[NoCarrier]

Maybe he's getting drunk because it's so boring being with you.

[JFK]

I have a drinking problem, my glass is empty , can you treat me to another ?

[sonofsam]

no offense, but maybe it isn't your place to be discussing their drinking habbits behind their backs to friends of theirs...

I would appreciate someone coming to me and telling me themselves that they have concerns about my drinking, but if i found out somehow they were talking to people behind my back about me being an alcoholic i would be furious

just something to take into consideration

[NoCarrier]

Originally Posted by sonofsam

no offense, but maybe it isn't your place to be discussing their drinking habbits behind their backs to friends of theirs...

Exactly, he's a clueless idiot with no class and respect for privacy.

[SleazyDream]

Originally Posted by sonofsam

no offense, but maybe it isn't your place to be discussing their drinking habbits behind their backs to friends of theirs...

I would appreciate someone coming to me and telling me themselves that they have concerns about my drinking, but if i found out somehow they were talking to people behind my back about me being an alcoholic i would be furious

just something to take into consideration

people come to me about it actually.....

[Brujah]

How much is too much?

[SleazyDream]

Originally Posted by NoCarrier

Exactly, he's a clueless idiot with no class and respect for privacy.

how many drinks have you had today?

[sonofsam]

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

people come to me about it actually.....

You should tell them it's not your place to discuss their problems/issues behind their backs, and that they should take their concerns directly to the person

[SleazyDream]

Originally Posted by sonofsam

You should tell them it's not your place to discuss their problems/issues behind their backs, and that they should take their concerns directly to the person

people need advise on how to proceed though.

gossip to hurt at someone's expense if DIFFERENT then talking to HELP someone

[High Plains Drifter]

I don't know the situation, but to play devil's advocate, a person can drink an absoulute shitload and not have a problem. It only becomes a problem when it interfers with something that is more important to them.

[nexcom28]

Originally Posted by sonofsam

no offense, but maybe it isn't your place to be discussing their drinking habbits behind their backs to friends of theirs...

I would appreciate someone coming to me and telling me themselves that they have concerns about my drinking, but if i found out somehow they were talking to people behind my back about me being an alcoholic i would be furious

just something to take into consideration

Sleazy hasn't mentioned any names and he is only trying to help someone out. I know how it feels... you can talk to the alky till your blue in the face but they won't listen, laugh it off or forget it the next time they drink..
Sometimes you need to ask questions to other people who will give you a straight answer..

[SleazyDream]

Originally Posted by High Plains Drifter

I don't know the situation, but to play devil's advocate, a person can drink an absoulute shitload and not have a problem. It only becomes a problem when it interfers with something that is more important to them.

how does an addict know that line?

[sonofsam]

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

people need advise on how to proceed though.

gossip to hurt at someone's expense if DIFFERENT then talking to HELP someone

If they find out that people were talking about them behind their back, they might be so angry that they won't even listen to anything you have to say about their problem or how to get help

[High Plains Drifter]

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

how does an addict know that line?

hehe they often don't. And hopefully they're lucky enough to have friends that will point out how they're damaging friendships, their work, relationships, and causing hardships on family.

[NoCarrier]

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

how many drinks have you had today?

0

How many burgers have you had today?

[GregA]

The best you can do is make them aware of your concern and then be there for them should they finally breakdown or something happens to them and they finally realize its a problem.. Pushing someone to do something they dont wanna do is only gonna push them away from you and this person might really need you in the future.

[SleazyDream]

Originally Posted by sonofsam

If they find out that people were talking about them behind their back, they might be so angry that they won't even listen to anything you have to say about their problem or how to get help

everyone talks about others behind their back.

fact of life - people talk about you,


what matters is if it's good things or bad things - it' it's done to hurt or take advantage or to help.

i talk about others behind their back, i say what I think and feel. and EVERY ONE of your fuckers does it about others as well.

Karma determines in life if I do it for the right reasons though. I'm ok with my Karma. The question is, Are you OK with yours?

[Michaelious]

Be there for them, they need to help themselves at the end of the day

[SleazyDream]

Originally Posted by High Plains Drifter

hehe they often don't. And hopefully they're lucky enough to have friends that will point out how they're damaging friendships, their work, relationships, and causing hardships on family.

Find out the facts. it might be that they are just a social drinker. An addict is a person that drinks everyday, drinks alone and drinks to make their life better. A social drinker often does to to alleviate nervousness when being around people.

I drink with friends when I'm out, but then again, I only go out 1 or 2 days a week if that. Maybe this is the case with your friend.

[Screaming]

If you think they have a problem. Odds are they do.

[sonofsam]

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

Karma determines in life if I do it for the right reasons though. I'm ok with my Karma. The question is, Are you OK with yours?

you have something to say ?

[madawgz]

just tell him .... ask him if he can slow down the drinking,,, just a bit

[Antonio]

that's a no brainer actually - you DON'T tell your friend nothing unless he comes to you for help

[Spunky]

Like any addiction,they have to realize they have a problem and be strong enough to fight it

[chase]

You have to be brutally honest, and approach that person plainly. Just be prepared for it to backfire and for them to walk away from you for a while. It could very well happen. But, you will have planted a seed, and when they are ready for help, they will remember you tried before, and as long as you let them know when you confront them that no matter what, if they EVER want help, you will be there, they will likely come to you.

[Damian_Maxcash]

You should tell them for sure - but dont go on about it - tell them and then drop it. He may not have even thought about it, just implanting the idea may be enough to get them to give it concideration.

When you see them do things that dont involve booze - I can stay drunk for a week at a time and it just takes someone to take me somewhere that it would be inapproprite to be drunk to get me out of the cycle.

Like most drinkers I have my drunk friends and my sober friends - of course the more sober friends I have the better.

The worst thing though is doing some massive intervention - unless you can be around them all the time to follow it through.

[AlienQ - BANNED FOR LIFE]

Simple.

Stab em in the chest for every tequila shot you newb...
And of course make a few bucks in the process.

Pay Per View works good.

[SleazyDream]

i'm not sure an intervention will work

[chase]

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

i'm not sure an intervention will work

It might not work.

I had a very close girlfriend in an abusive relationship. She would come to me, bruised and battered, and I always nursed her back to health, and she always went back to him. One time she came over seriously wounded. He had threatened to kill her, and had nearly run her over, as well as leaving multipe brusies, roadrash from dragging her across the road, and various other injuries. I nursed her back to health again, and convinced her to go to the ER, but when she left, she changed her mind. (I have little kids, so I couldn't go with her.)

After much, MUCH careful thought, I decided I had to DO something, or I couldn't honestly call myself her friend. I contacted her brother, and told him what happened. I hoped and expected her family to step in, and I expected the BF, who was on parole, to get arrested, which would give her time to get herself together and realize she didn't need him, and it was a bad relationship. I knew it was a risk, though, and that in her present state, she would consider it a betrayal. But I couldn't stand by and do nothing. I'd rather her be alive and hate me then love me until he killed her, yanno?

It didn't turn out like I hoped. Her family bought her "I wrecked in an ATV" story, or at least didn't DO anything about it...she was avoiding seeing them, naturally, but I thought they'd think it was important enough to go to her work, or track her down and at least SEE what was supposedly accidental injuries. I did get the chance to explain to her why I did it, but she's only called me once in the past year since it happened, so I guess she doesn't "get it" yet.

But I know that when she does finally realize how bad he is, she'll know she can come to me for help. I just hope he doesn't kill her first, but the fact is, it is out of my hands. I did ALL I can do. Watching her go back was killing me, because I love her. You do what you can to help the people you love, but if they are unwilling to accept help, you have to do what's best for YOU and step back from the situation.

[tony286]

until they have a moment of clarity its hard to get them to stop

[Ycaza]

Well:

Here is the perspective of a sober person, who whas tried to help many and even a few of us here in GFY land. The result is always the same too. You can mention the problem to a person, they may even agree with you, but you risk alienating the friendship forever. All, and I mean all people with an alcohol or drug problem need to find the answer themselves. You can be the one person that really helps them, IF THEY ARE READY. If not this person will always feel as though they are being judged by you. Its just the facts. Scott you are a seamingly sincere guy. I say seemingly, because I know you only a little, but from what I know you truly seem to care about people you know. You risk alienating this person, not because of what you would say, anything would do it basically. I have lost a few friends by trying to be helpful. Personally I have been sober for 17 years, have tried to help a lot of people, the ratio that works is maybe 1 in 200. Pretty sad overall, but its the truth. Honestly if you really, really care and the problem is really bad, talk to them. Just know the risks. Once done, let go of the results. any hopes you have will be decided by this person and their God. There are other sober people who post here, and you know them all. If you want to know anything else I am here to help and that person can find us at just about any show. the best plan is to send the person to AA and let go. Hope that helps brother,l my icq is below if you want to talk about it any time.

[yota71]

Pick them up when they fall and lend a hand if the need it. I have been sober for almost two years. It took the loss of my wife and almost my family to make me quit. Even if you mention it or try to help, your friend may tell you they are listening but the drug is in control right now. Sometimes unfortunately a good friend watches the fall and is there to help them stand back up.
It depends on the mental strength of the individual and I have seen some of the smartest and strongest loose the battle with alcohol. Hang in there.....Talking about it is a start. God bless you for caring

[Choppa]

Originally Posted by Rockatansky

do THEY know they have a problem? Admitting is the first step...

yes for them to want help they have to first admit or acknowledge they have an issue...this is most important

[Missy]

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

you know - i'm not sure if this person knows to be honest

This person knows, trust me. If this person is somebody you don't see on a regular basis, the people who do see him/her on a regular basis and are close to this person have already told him/her. As a couple of others have alread pointed out in this thread, until he/she is ready for help, ready to admit they need help, you are only risking losing a good friend, or at the very least, putting some distance in your friendship. Trust me, I just went through this with somebody myself... somebody who (deep down) knows, but is still not willing to admit it even to themself, let alone somebody else. The really sad part is that everybody sees it except for the person I'm referring to.

It's a very hard thing to stand back and watch somebody on the path to self-destruction, but all you can do is be there for him/her when they finally realize, and just pray that it happens before anybody gets seriously hurt.