[I was just going through some old dox on an old machine]

It's true, I have a little bro. But, as sometimes things go with family, it's been a long time since we spoke. It really sux. But I knew it was gonna be this way. I wrote this letter to him 10 years ago today, after about a year of silence. It didn't work.

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Dear Anthony, 28 March, 1996 If, even in some small way, a letter I once wrote is responsible for making things the way they are between us, then I am not completely naive if I allow myself to hope that another letter may set things right. Or at least begin the effort. I think enough time has passed silently between us by now that we face the very real danger that we will never be brothers again. Part of that danger lies in the fact that we no longer know each other. One does not know what is in the heart of the other. We are worse than strangers, because we do not dare guess what the other is thinking. It may be that losing the person you once called ?brother? is exactly what you want. Perhaps this is the message I am expected to read in your actions. If this is correct, then I can only forgive you for leaving me to ?get the picture? in this way if you have in the center of your being already judged me a monster. In which case, I would not be deserving of any explanation, nor could you be reasonably expected to suffer my face or the sound of my voice again. If this is really your wish, please do not think that I am self-pitying or looking to pierce your heart with guilt by acknowledging your decision in this way. A man has a right to choose who is in his life, after all. I would not want to be a tolerated presence simply because we are related by blood, simply because we have a history. These things alone do not entitle anything. Except perhaps the dignity of an answer. If it is really your wish that our relationship remain as it is now, that we do nothing more than endure the sight of one another on those occasions as will surely arise from time to time until at least our parents are all dead, that we perform the occasional handshake or even the terrible embrace, if only to confer respect on the corpse of the moment, that we sit in the same room, suffering the stares of those among us who know we are brothers who do not speak, if it is really your wish, then you must make the choice visibly. You must take that responsibility. I will not look back on this time when I am old and think silently behind my wrinkled brow that I might have guessed wrong, or that we lost each other because neither bothered to check what the other was thinking. I must know. You need do nothing more than mail me a blank sheet of paper, if you like. But I must know. On the other hand, if your mind is not yet clear on the matter, your heart not yet settled in one direction or the other, then I urge you to consider a reconciliation. Or at least entertain the possibility. As I wrote earlier, we do not know each other. If we do not despise one another (and in this regard I can only speak for myself), there is at least a small hope. We might come together now as strangers and find that time has done a wonderful, miraculous thing. It might have changed us, altered the memories, or shifted perception, or callused a point of tenderness, or blunted a sharp edge, or in some way done something to us that makes meaningless all that happened and was felt before. It?s possible. I think it would be enough just to believe. I do not fool myself, though. I know it would certainly be easier to do nothing, to surrender to the flow of months and years. That is automatic, effortless. It has been easy hasn?t it? Life can be so rich after all, so many distractions and pleasures, more than enough to bury a fleeting thought that is full of discomfort anyway. If we do anything at all, it can only be because we both believe it?s worth the trouble. I don?t have a plan, Anthony. I certainly don?t know what you want. I?m only writing because I?m plagued by the thought that things are wrong the way they are. I?m sorry to force you to think about this again, and ask you to take a position. But, I am unable to turn the page as things are. At worst, I get a blank sheet of paper in the mail. At best, a phone call, an optimistic voice. Of course, that is my hope. Maybe we still have a chance for something good between us. Maybe not, maybe it?s all blown to hell irretrievably. I just don?t want to look back and wonder that a small gesture, a tiny effort might have made the difference. Do you? Jack

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Originally Posted by Dagwolf Too personal. Real men don't share feelings.

Exactly. I'm purging, so as to avoid expressing -

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Originally Posted by TopBucksTrixxxia Did he send you a blank sheet of paper or was he indifferent? That's a very strong appeal for him to reconsider. I just never understood siblings not being on talking terms. As a parent, the thought that my kids would not 'like' eachother enough to exchange a few words at the least, is quite unsettling. Not judging here, I just find it sad - I have cousins in this situation and because of money, spouses, jealousy, or whatever, my aunt/uncle can't have a pleasant holiday with their kids in one seating. Sad really.

Nothing. Weirdest is the fact that I did see him as predicted at a funeral in 2000. He was colder than our mother's corpse.

Sad shit, yo.

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Originally Posted by TopBucksTrixxxia Really sad - do you have other siblings or is it just you two?

We both have other half-sies.

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Originally Posted by DirtyWhiteBoy that's too bad. bros are supposed to be bros till the end.

Yeah, I heard that somewhere.

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Originally Posted by Ross I ripped my brother a new hole last night then again this morning. He lives in my house with me but doesn't respect things I lay down for him or ask him to do. He was drunk last night and up till 7am. Then he stays in bed all fucking day long and does nothing with his life. He quit college and has a part time job. I'm gonna make him get a job until his new course starts in September this year.

Trade ya.

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Originally Posted by scardog Don't give up. He is younger, so give him time to realize how important family is. Sometimes it takes 20 years. Write him every month, not every 10 years.

"The earth is round and revolves around the sun." Heresy. Ya get it. I may as well be an obscure figure from history, the Smokin Man from X-Files, or an Alien from outer space. The capacity to disavow disruptive truth is great.

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Originally Posted by Phoenix what did you do to piss him off we need the whole story

Oh, a lifetime of things. Kids, you know. I was a big. But I tried to make the shadow as bright and fun a place as I could. By the time we were both men (he's 5 years younger than me), it was clear that we'd turned out really different. My dad's a self-made immigrant, who was happy to get a pair of used shoes for Christmas when he was a kid in Colombia. We both loved him. But to Anthony, he was like a God, whereas to me he was a man. Anthony worked hard to prove his worth to the eyes he thought were measuring him, to the persistent, difficult scrutiny of a father's judgement. Me, I just explored. He envied me my freedom... from responsibility. Everything was easy for me. He struggled. Though, I offered him love in every way I could, at times I was a flake. At times, I was impatient with him. At times, an arrogant ass.

I think it was probably just pretty hard for him (and a lot of other people) to be around me when I was in my early 20's.

But the funny thing is, I have become acquainted with adversity since our connection as brothers was broken. I feel I could relate more... I'm certain of it.

Whenever I speak with my dad on the phone (like once a month), I ache in the big hollow of the conversation that never touches on Anthony as a subject. They both live in NY, close. At most, I'll ask "How's Anthony doing?" I'll get a run-down on career and girlfriend type details. But what I want to ask is "You think he's ready, Dad? You think if I call him today, he'll talk to me..." I dream I'd ring him up, and that there'd be a slience on the phone, and we'd both gasp for realizing the enormity of our stupidity. We'd laugh and get giddy, and joke about hopping on "next planes". That would b cool.

I also wonder how we'd both be different now if our relationship had been closer all these years. What things could I have told him? What things might he have asked me? What wisdom has grown in that stranger, that *man* I once played wiffle ball with in the park?

UPDATE: No change --

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Originally Posted by Hustlin Entertainment no offence but colombians in general are cold...

No offense, but...

ARE YOU NUTZ!!!!!