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* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
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* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos
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and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
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* Forget the punchline to a long joke
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but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
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* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture
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informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
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* Follow a few paces behind someone
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spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
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* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains
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such as ''Feliz Navidad''
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* While making presentations
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occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
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* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
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* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
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* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
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* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name
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and demand that people pronounce each A.
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* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
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* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations
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100 to go
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* Wear a LOT of cologne.
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* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
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* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed
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and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
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* Sing along at the opera.
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* Mow your lawn with scissors.
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* At a golf tournament
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chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
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* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
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* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
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* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions
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and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
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* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
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* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
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* Scuff your feet on a dry
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shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
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* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences
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producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
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* Never make eye contact.
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