My New Toy ( L O N G Story ) - GoFuckYourself.com

Adult Site Traffic · 10-16-2004, 06:05 PM

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again. No doubt youwill see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.

Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for her. The occasion was our anniversary and Iwas looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.

The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!

I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!!

Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . I'm
easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that
would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT !!

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left
arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my balls? I think they ran away.
I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em
back.

TurboAngel · 10-16-2004, 06:14 PM

Next time look at the jewelry.

BradM · 10-16-2004, 06:21 PM

Dude... wtf.

Dildozer · 10-16-2004, 06:22 PM

Good thing it wasn't a shotgun, Darwin woulda been spinning in his grave

brizzad · 10-16-2004, 06:24 PM

cliffs notes / sparknotes anyone?

EscortBiz · 10-16-2004, 06:24 PM

old story been posted all over

Sly · 10-16-2004, 06:25 PM

This has already been posted. Nice try.

EscortBiz · 10-16-2004, 06:26 PM

http://www.techimo.com/forum/archive.../t-122331.html

http://www.beartownnews.com/

http://steelguitarforum.com/Forum6/HTML/004959.html

raymor · 10-16-2004, 06:31 PM

What WERE you thinking; of COURSE you have to
turn on the video camera before you do something like that.
We want to see the video!

I bet some of the depraved minds around here
could figure
out how to make a few bucks of such a video. maybe you
should get your wife some pepper spray tomorrow. ;)
Next time you consider doing something like that I'll put
you in touch with my brother, who will probably be able
to describe any such experience to you in fine detail so
you don't have to try it for yourself.

PS - Pepper spray fucking hurts too, don't test it out.

PPS - Even .32 ACP is also quite painful I hear.

Adult Site Traffic · 10-16-2004, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by raymor
What WERE you thinking; of COURSE you have to
turn on the video camera before you do something like that.
We want to see the video!

PS - Pepper spray fucking hurts too, don't test it out.

PPS - Even .32 ACP is also quite painful I hear.

LOL, good idea but it was just a copy-paste job, but I'd pay good money to have seen it :D

jigg · 10-16-2004, 08:12 PM

so funny
but i think the cat zapped you, you just think you did it yourself

media · 10-16-2004, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Adult Site Traffic
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

Lol.. I take offense to this statement.. I am heavily tattooed.. Charactarizing tattooed people as thug rapist criminals is a pretty fucked up thing to do..

I hope you seriously don't have it set in your mind that this is how people like myself are...

KRL · 10-16-2004, 10:40 PM

I've tested a stun gun on myself. Figured if I pressed it against my shoes the leather would lessen the effects. It didn't. Those fuckers are nasty and it felt like a full on electric charge out of a wall socket zapping into you.

I tested pepper spray too. Didn't even get a full blast. Just shot some into the air and the fricking wind blew it right into my eyes. That stuff really works. Your eyes close up and it feels like someone poured acid into them. Your throat closes up too and it feels like the hottest mexican peppers you can imagine are lodged in your throat.

When I trained my German Shephers for police K-9 work, they made me take a bite from this massive rottweiler so I would know the power I was going to be teaching my dog. When the handler released him about 50 feet away the look in that dog's eye's made my stomach drop and I felt completely weakened just from the anticipation. When he lunged up and clamped on my arm it felt like getting hit by an 18 wheeler. I went right to the ground and the pressure sensastion made it feel like my arm was severed off. Even with the sleeve, my arm was black and blue and sore for several weeks.

When I was a kid my pants caught on fire when I tried to put out a fire in the woods my little brother had started. That was a feeling you never forget.

Can you imagine what it must have been like to get toasted in the early days of the invention of the electric chair when they were still perfecting it. Ouch, that had to be a real scorcher.

PrincessWannaLaya · 10-17-2004, 10:59 AM

Nice Story !! I was LMAO ....

xclusive · 10-17-2004, 11:14 AM

Now be a man and sack up and do this for real with the camera rolling...

stevecore · 10-17-2004, 11:14 AM

Why do people need to lie to try and get a laugh?

Peaches · 10-17-2004, 11:18 AM

Boys will be boys.

pornguy · 10-17-2004, 12:20 PM

That is funny, but kind of old. The first time that I read it, I was in tears.

Adult Site Traffic · 10-17-2004, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by media
Lol.. I take offense to this statement.. I am heavily tattooed.. Charactarizing tattooed people as thug rapist criminals is a pretty fucked up thing to do..

Fucking shut up.

It was a copy-paste job just like I said up there. I so much fucking ink on me, you wouldn't believe.

Douhh ..

Michaelious · 10-17-2004, 12:51 PM

Funniest things i've read all day guys

Tricksy · 10-17-2004, 01:49 PM

Adult Site Traffic · 10-17-2004, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Michaelious
Funniest things i've read all day guys

LOL, when my wife sent me that e-mail she was laughing so hard, I read it and just had to post it

reynold · 10-17-2004, 10:14 PM

this story still made me laugh...

WickedVenus · 10-17-2004, 10:20 PM

LMFAO normally I wouldnt laugh at somethign like this, but you should have believed the directions!! lol IM glad poor gracie didnt get it. it may have killed her lol

SpikeHeel · 10-18-2004, 12:23 AM

heard that story already..

GiantGnome · 10-18-2004, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SpikeHeel
heard that story already..

yep me too. got that from my wifes cousin. i thought he wrote it but now im not sure

10-16-2004, 06:05 PM	#1
Adult Site Traffic Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: South-East of the Border of Disorder Posts: 5,093	My New Toy ( L O N G Story ) My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again. No doubt youwill see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for her. The occasion was our anniversary and Iwas looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT !! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my balls? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em back. __________________ ALL Domains and Websites are GOING AWAY NOW! Ask me! Many great domains, mainstream and adult, some complete sites with databases, some names with traffic and PR, some investment quality names. Come take a look! { Traffic Orders: Please go here } .:: SHARPEN the Elite - BURN the leftovers! Ooh-Rah!! ::.

10-16-2004, 06:22 PM	#4
Dildozer Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Montreal Posts: 7,519	Good thing it wasn't a shotgun, Darwin woulda been spinning in his grave __________________ Spam link here

10-16-2004, 06:24 PM	#6
EscortBiz Fuck Checks, CASH only! Join Date: May 2002 Location: New York City Posts: 19,422	old story been posted all over __________________ Spanking, Medical Fetish, Sleeping, Strap-on Anal Lesbians, Girls Fucking Guys, Handjob site REAL HOT, Shemales, Anal and Ass Licking sites 100% Real EXCLUSIVE with amazing retention, ccbill payouts, lots of content FREE FTP HOSTING Promote the largest and oldest member paid escort site, Converts 10 times better then any dating site, CCBill payouts ICQ# 158802076

10-16-2004, 06:25 PM	#7
Sly Let's do some business! Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 31,329	This has already been posted. Nice try. __________________ Vacares - Web Hosting, Domains, O365, Security & More - Paxum and BTC Accepted Windows VPS now available Great for TSS, Nifty Stats, remote work, virtual assistants, etc. Click here for more details.

10-16-2004, 06:26 PM	#8
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10-16-2004, 06:14 PM	#2
TurboAngel H.B.I.C. Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: NC Posts: 30,122	Next time look at the jewelry.

10-16-2004, 06:21 PM	#3
BradM Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: 1123,6536,5231 Posts: 3,397	Dude... wtf.

10-16-2004, 06:24 PM	#5
brizzad holla Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: KFC Posts: 11,769	cliffs notes / sparknotes anyone?

10-16-2004, 06:31 PM	#9
raymor Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 3,745	What WERE you thinking; of COURSE you have to turn on the video camera before you do something like that. We want to see the video! I bet some of the depraved minds around here could figure out how to make a few bucks of such a video. maybe you should get your wife some pepper spray tomorrow. ;) Next time you consider doing something like that I'll put you in touch with my brother, who will probably be able to describe any such experience to you in fine detail so you don't have to try it for yourself. PS - Pepper spray fucking hurts too, don't test it out. PPS - Even .32 ACP is also quite painful I hear. __________________ For historical display only. This information is not current: support@bettercgi.com ICQ 7208627 Strongbox - The next generation in site security Throttlebox - The next generation in bandwidth control Clonebox - Backup and disaster recovery on steroids

10-16-2004, 08:12 PM	#11
jigg Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 2,527	so funny but i think the cat zapped you, you just think you did it yourself __________________ ...... eight,eight,two,eight,eight,four,two ......

10-16-2004, 10:40 PM	#13
KRL Entrepreneur Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: USA Posts: 31,429	I've tested a stun gun on myself. Figured if I pressed it against my shoes the leather would lessen the effects. It didn't. Those fuckers are nasty and it felt like a full on electric charge out of a wall socket zapping into you. I tested pepper spray too. Didn't even get a full blast. Just shot some into the air and the fricking wind blew it right into my eyes. That stuff really works. Your eyes close up and it feels like someone poured acid into them. Your throat closes up too and it feels like the hottest mexican peppers you can imagine are lodged in your throat. When I trained my German Shephers for police K-9 work, they made me take a bite from this massive rottweiler so I would know the power I was going to be teaching my dog. When the handler released him about 50 feet away the look in that dog's eye's made my stomach drop and I felt completely weakened just from the anticipation. When he lunged up and clamped on my arm it felt like getting hit by an 18 wheeler. I went right to the ground and the pressure sensastion made it feel like my arm was severed off. Even with the sleeve, my arm was black and blue and sore for several weeks. When I was a kid my pants caught on fire when I tried to put out a fire in the woods my little brother had started. That was a feeling you never forget. Can you imagine what it must have been like to get toasted in the early days of the invention of the electric chair when they were still perfecting it. Ouch, that had to be a real scorcher. __________________ If you would like to develop your domains, you can lease inexpensive foreign labor from the leaders in the field at iWebmasters.com TO LOWER YOUR COSTS AND INCREASE YOUR PRODUCTION! * * * * * * * * * * * * Domains Adult News KRL's Newsletter Biz Tips Just Listed Domains

10-17-2004, 10:59 AM	#14
PrincessWannaLaya Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 520	Nice Story !! I was LMAO ....

10-17-2004, 11:14 AM	#15
xclusive Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Buffalo, NY Posts: 35,218	Now be a man and sack up and do this for real with the camera rolling... __________________ I support MediumPimpin.com / Shemp's Outlawtgp.com /

10-17-2004, 11:14 AM	#16
stevecore Confirmed User Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 6,130	Why do people need to lie to try and get a laugh?

10-17-2004, 11:18 AM	#17
Peaches Old broad Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Away Posts: 13,933	Boys will be boys.

10-17-2004, 12:20 PM	#18
pornguy Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Homeless Posts: 62,911	That is funny, but kind of old. The first time that I read it, I was in tears. __________________ PornGuy skype me pornguy_epic AmateurDough The Hottes Shemales online! TChicks.com \| Angeles Cid \| Mariana Cordoba \| MAILERS WELCOME!

10-17-2004, 12:51 PM	#20
Michaelious Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Scotland Posts: 6,720	Funniest things i've read all day guys __________________

10-17-2004, 01:49 PM	#21
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10-17-2004, 10:14 PM	#23
reynold Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Global Traveler Posts: 51,271	this story still made me laugh... Last edited by reynold; 10-17-2004 at 10:17 PM..

10-17-2004, 10:20 PM	#24
WickedVenus Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: ICQ: 309691342 ---- Yahoo Messenger: wickedvenus_acv Posts: 3,877	LMFAO normally I wouldnt laugh at somethign like this, but you should have believed the directions!! lol IM glad poor gracie didnt get it. it may have killed her lol __________________ SIG TOO BIG! Maximum 120x60 button and no more than 3 text lines of DEFAULT SIZE and COLOR. Unless your sig is for a GFY top banner sponsor, you may use a 624x80 instead of a 120x60. Let me repeat... A 120 x 60 button and no more that 3 lines of DEFAULT SIZE AND COLOR text.

10-18-2004, 12:23 AM	#25
SpikeHeel Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Venus Posts: 1,531	heard that story already.. __________________ 100% exclusive fetish content - 60% recurring CCBill program No pop-ups – No traffic leaks – No cross sells – Hosted galleries – Promo content - Free Hosting - ICQ: 228585136