My New Toy ( L O N G Story )
 

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again. No doubt youwill see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.

Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for her. The occasion was our anniversary and Iwas looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.

The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!

I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!!

Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . I'm
easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that
would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT !!

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left
arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my balls? I think they ran away.
I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em
back.

Next time look at the jewelry.



:winkwink:

Dude... wtf.

Good thing it wasn't a shotgun, Darwin woulda been spinning in his grave

cliffs notes / sparknotes anyone?

old story been posted all over

This has already been posted. Nice try. :winkwink:

http://www.techimo.com/forum/archive.../t-122331.html

http://www.beartownnews.com/

http://steelguitarforum.com/Forum6/HTML/004959.html

:1orglaugh

What WERE you thinking; of COURSE you have to
turn on the video camera before you do something like that.
We want to see the video!

I bet some of the depraved minds around here
could figure
out how to make a few bucks of such a video. maybe you
should get your wife some pepper spray tomorrow. ;)
Next time you consider doing something like that I'll put
you in touch with my brother, who will probably be able
to describe any such experience to you in fine detail so
you don't have to try it for yourself.

PS - Pepper spray fucking hurts too, don't test it out.

PPS - Even .32 ACP is also quite painful I hear.

LOL, good idea but it was just a copy-paste job, but I'd pay good money to have seen it :D

:1orglaugh so funny
but i think the cat zapped you, you just think you did it yourself

Lol.. I take offense to this statement.. I am heavily tattooed.. Charactarizing tattooed people as thug rapist criminals is a pretty fucked up thing to do..

I hope you seriously don't have it set in your mind that this is how people like myself are...

I've tested a stun gun on myself. Figured if I pressed it against my shoes the leather would lessen the effects. It didn't. Those fuckers are nasty and it felt like a full on electric charge out of a wall socket zapping into you.

I tested pepper spray too. Didn't even get a full blast. Just shot some into the air and the fricking wind blew it right into my eyes. That stuff really works. Your eyes close up and it feels like someone poured acid into them. Your throat closes up too and it feels like the hottest mexican peppers you can imagine are lodged in your throat.

When I trained my German Shephers for police K-9 work, they made me take a bite from this massive rottweiler so I would know the power I was going to be teaching my dog. When the handler released him about 50 feet away the look in that dog's eye's made my stomach drop and I felt completely weakened just from the anticipation. When he lunged up and clamped on my arm it felt like getting hit by an 18 wheeler. I went right to the ground and the pressure sensastion made it feel like my arm was severed off. Even with the sleeve, my arm was black and blue and sore for several weeks.

When I was a kid my pants caught on fire when I tried to put out a fire in the woods my little brother had started. That was a feeling you never forget.

Can you imagine what it must have been like to get toasted in the early days of the invention of the electric chair when they were still perfecting it. Ouch, that had to be a real scorcher.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Nice Story !! I was LMAO .... :thumbsup :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Now be a man and sack up and do this for real with the camera rolling...

Why do people need to lie to try and get a laugh?

Boys will be boys. :winkwink:

That is funny, but kind of old. The first time that I read it, I was in tears.

Fucking shut up.

It was a copy-paste job just like I said up there. I so much fucking ink on me, you wouldn't believe.

Douhh ..

Funniest things i've read all day guys:321GFY

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

LOL, when my wife sent me that e-mail she was laughing so hard, I read it and just had to post it :1orglaugh

this story still made me laugh... :1orglaugh

LMFAO normally I wouldnt laugh at somethign like this, but you should have believed the directions!! lol IM glad poor gracie didnt get it. it may have killed her lol

heard that story already..

yep me too. got that from my wifes cousin. i thought he wrote it but now im not sure