a little church humor for y'all... - GoFuckYourself.com

blakkfrogg · 04-26-2001, 08:53 AM

> > >>A man goes up to the minister at the local church.
> > >>"Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps
> > >>falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing,
> > >>not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
> > >>"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to
> > >>the task," said the minister.
> > >>"Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell
> > >>when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you
> > >>at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good
> > >>poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday,
> > >>Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put
> > >>his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice
> > >>for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus'
> > >>Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the
> > >>leg with the sharp object. "Yes! You are correct,
> > >>Mrs. Jones' came the minister's quick reply. Soon,
> > >>Mrs.Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister
> > >>noticed. Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning
> toward
> > >>Mr. Jones. "My God' howled Mrs.Jones
> > >>as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!"
> > >>bellowed the minister,a slight grin on his face. Before
> > >>long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time
> > >>the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo
> > >>of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones
> > >>mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hat
> > >>pin yet again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve
> > >>say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" As
> > >>Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh
> > >>with the hat pin piercing her skin she screamed, "You
> > >>stick that freaking thing in me one more time and I'll
> > >>break it in half and shove it up your ass.
> > >>' "AMEN' replied all the women in the congregation.

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Something New... http://www.americas-best.com/adult

Kat - Fast · 04-26-2001, 10:06 AM

LMFAO!

fredicus · 04-26-2001, 10:37 AM

A little boy comes in and says to his mother, "Is it true that
we come from dust and return to dust?"
"That's what the Bible says," she answered.
"Well, somebody is either coming or going under my bed," he said.

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unlikely to be Y3K Compliant
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Are you trying to tell me that coconuts migrate ?

fredicus · 04-26-2001, 10:37 AM

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG, clip-clop, clip-clop?
An Amish drive by shooting.

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unlikely to be Y3K Compliant
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Are you trying to tell me that coconuts migrate ?

fredicus · 04-26-2001, 10:39 AM

A minister was irate because old Deacon Smith always fell asleep during one
of his sermons. One day the minister decided he would take care of the
problem, so during his sermon, he quietly said, "Everyone who is going to
heaven, please stand up." Everyone except Deacon Smith stood up while the
old deacon snored away. After seating everyone, the minister shouted with a
loud scream, "Everyone going to hell, STAND UP!!" Immediately Deacon Smith
rose to his feet and said, "Pastor, I don't know what we're voting on, but
you and I are the only ones for it."

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unlikely to be Y3K Compliant
-------------------------
Are you trying to tell me that coconuts migrate ?

fredicus · 04-26-2001, 10:41 AM

God calls the Pope one afternoon. The red phone in his office rings and
flashes. The pope picks it up and says, "Vatican, Pope here."
God, in the usual booming, deep voice says, "I have been thinking for the
last few hundred years that there should be only one religion. I am so tired
of all the people fighting among themselves over me."
Immediately, a smile comes over the Pope's face. "Yes, that would indeed be
a good idea, God. Lately, I have been dreaming about the same thing. I would
indeed welcome such an idea."
"Good," says God, "Then you won't mind that I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

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unlikely to be Y3K Compliant
-------------------------
Are you trying to tell me that coconuts migrate ?

Bake · 04-26-2001, 04:52 PM

FiestaBear Alert

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the
alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with
a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should especially avoid areas that show signs of grizzly bear
activity.
Some signs include bear droppings.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

Bake · 04-26-2001, 05:24 PM

FiestaBear Alert

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the
alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with
a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should especially avoid areas that show signs of grizzly bear
activity.
Some signs include bear droppings.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

Exxxotica · 04-26-2001, 05:41 PM

Ever see Jesus eating M&M's? Probabily not, because they fall through the holes in his hands.

Where is Daibetic Rage? I heard you have actually experienced Stigmata.

04-26-2001, 08:53 AM	#1
blakkfrogg Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: South of sobriety Posts: 582	a little church humor for y'all... > > >>A man goes up to the minister at the local church. > > >>"Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps > > >>falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, > > >>not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?" > > >>"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to > > >>the task," said the minister. > > >>"Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell > > >>when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you > > >>at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good > > >>poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, > > >>Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put > > >>his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice > > >>for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus' > > >>Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the > > >>leg with the sharp object. "Yes! You are correct, > > >>Mrs. Jones' came the minister's quick reply. Soon, > > >>Mrs.Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister > > >>noticed. Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning > toward > > >>Mr. Jones. "My God' howled Mrs.Jones > > >>as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!" > > >>bellowed the minister,a slight grin on his face. Before > > >>long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time > > >>the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo > > >>of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones > > >>mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hat > > >>pin yet again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve > > >>say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" As > > >>Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh > > >>with the hat pin piercing her skin she screamed, "You > > >>stick that freaking thing in me one more time and I'll > > >>break it in half and shove it up your ass. > > >>' "AMEN' replied all the women in the congregation. ------------------ Something New... http://www.americas-best.com/adult

04-26-2001, 10:06 AM	#2
Kat - Fast Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: The bushes behind your house Posts: 2,303	LMFAO!

04-26-2001, 10:37 AM	#3
fredicus Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: UK Posts: 286	A little boy comes in and says to his mother, "Is it true that we come from dust and return to dust?" "That's what the Bible says," she answered. "Well, somebody is either coming or going under my bed," he said. ------------------ unlikely to be Y3K Compliant ------------------------- Are you trying to tell me that coconuts migrate ?

04-26-2001, 10:39 AM	#5
fredicus Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: UK Posts: 286	A minister was irate because old Deacon Smith always fell asleep during one of his sermons. One day the minister decided he would take care of the problem, so during his sermon, he quietly said, "Everyone who is going to heaven, please stand up." Everyone except Deacon Smith stood up while the old deacon snored away. After seating everyone, the minister shouted with a loud scream, "Everyone going to hell, STAND UP!!" Immediately Deacon Smith rose to his feet and said, "Pastor, I don't know what we're voting on, but you and I are the only ones for it." ------------------ unlikely to be Y3K Compliant ------------------------- Are you trying to tell me that coconuts migrate ?

04-26-2001, 10:41 AM	#6
fredicus Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: UK Posts: 286	God calls the Pope one afternoon. The red phone in his office rings and flashes. The pope picks it up and says, "Vatican, Pope here." God, in the usual booming, deep voice says, "I have been thinking for the last few hundred years that there should be only one religion. I am so tired of all the people fighting among themselves over me." Immediately, a smile comes over the Pope's face. "Yes, that would indeed be a good idea, God. Lately, I have been dreaming about the same thing. I would indeed welcome such an idea." "Good," says God, "Then you won't mind that I'm calling from Salt Lake City." ------------------ unlikely to be Y3K Compliant ------------------------- Are you trying to tell me that coconuts migrate ?

04-26-2001, 04:52 PM	#7
Bake Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Outback of bumfuck Aussie Posts: 5,288	FiestaBear Alert The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should especially avoid areas that show signs of grizzly bear activity. Some signs include bear droppings. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

04-26-2001, 05:24 PM	#8
Bake Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Outback of bumfuck Aussie Posts: 5,288	FiestaBear Alert The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should especially avoid areas that show signs of grizzly bear activity. Some signs include bear droppings. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

04-26-2001, 05:41 PM	#9
Exxxotica Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Oregun Posts: 4,396	Ever see Jesus eating M&M's? Probabily not, because they fall through the holes in his hands. Where is Daibetic Rage? I heard you have actually experienced Stigmata.