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[Doctor Dre]

Ok this owns
taken from http://www.pornblography.com/daily_grind/
INT. DRESSING ROOM ? DAY

The beautiful KELLY ERICSON sits in the makeup chair and dutifully reads over the script for a movie that she thinks will be her star-making vehicle. She thumbs through the massive tome of about one hundred pages until she is suddenly interrupted by her co-star RON JEREMY.

KELLY
(To herself, very dramatic

Benjamin, I?m afraid that the secret you have stumbled on to is not that my heart belongs to another man... my heart belongs to my passion for feeding orphaned Albino children in remote regions of Eastern Europe. I?m so sorry that you had to find out this way....

She is interrupted by RON.

RON

Very nice Kelly. Very nice. Is that scene 84b?

KELLY

Yeah. It?s one of my favorites. What a screenplay. This is the movie that will elevate me to the stratosphere. These next two months are going to be unforgettable. You must be so excited to be given the chance to direct something so important

RON searches for the right way to inform KELLY of some bad news.

RON
(Hesitant)

Right... Actually Kelly, I was just chatting with the producer and it seems that the studio has cut the budget a little bit... Production is going to fall a little short of two months..

KELLY

What do you mean? How much shorter and how much of a budget cut?

RON
(Rambling)

Well... let?s see. There?s sixty two days in two months.. unless of course one of the months is September which has only 30 days... you know the old saying ?30 days have September...?

KELLY

Quit stalling, Ronnie.

RON

Right... well, ahh... actually production is now two days and the 2.2 million dollar budget has been trimmed to about 22 grand...but we?re gonna get a huge piece of the back end!!!

KELLY

The only huge back end here belongs to you Ronnie. We can?t do this script in two days!!!

RON

Sure we can honey. We just have to skip to the highlights.

RON takes the script from her.

RON (CONT?D)

This can stay... this can go... this can stay... this can go.... this can definitely go...

RON haphazardly rips pages from the script and KELLY puts her head in her hands.

FADE TO:

INT. LIVINGROOM - DAY X1 (MARK WOOD - BRITANY SPEERS)

RON assembles his cast and crew for the days first shot. In the room we find the CAMERAMAN, several peons milling about, an actor playing the role of BENJAMIN, and KELLY.

RON

Okay. Places everyone. Scene 84b take one and ACTION.

RON walks out of frame.

BENJAMIN
(to Kelly)

How could you. I found out about all of your mysterious trips to Eastern Europe. Your travel agent has loose lips. What?s his name, dammit!!!

KELLY

Benjamin, I?m afraid that the secret you have stumbled on to is not that my heart belongs to another man.... my heart belongs to....

RON enters frame and interrupts. He has a girl on his arm.

RON

Sorry Kelly. Sorry. I forgot to tell you that we dropped the whole albino orphan thing. We?re skipping ahead to the part where Benjamin falls in love with the travel agent who squealed on you.

KELLY

..but..

RON

Actually, you?re no longer needed for this scene Hun. How?s about getting me a piece of lasagna from the craft service table.

KELLY storms off.

RON (CONT?D)

...and ACTION...

BENJAMIN

I could never compete with those albino orphans. Ophelia I feel that it was destiny that brought us together.

TRAVEL AGENT

Benjamin, from the moment I laid....

RON interrupts again.

RON

...um Guys.... We?re on a schedule. Just skip ahead to the part where you fuck, okay?

BENJAMIN shrugs his shoulders as if to say ?whatever?. He and the TRAVEL AGENT embrace each other, RON grins and exits and the SCENARIO UNFOLDS.

FADE OUT.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY X-2 (DAVIS, BRITTNEY SKYE, LONI)

RON instructing cast and crew as to the task at hand for the next scene. KELLY stands by his side. Two female actors and one male actor stand just off screen.

RON

Okay Kelly. This is the scene where you first meet Benjamin in that seedy hotel where he confesses to you about his womanizing and his drug problem. You instantly fall in love with him and vow to put him on the right path. Benjamin come over here.

A brand new actor portraying Benjamin enters the scene. We?ll call him BENJAMIN 2.

KELLY

Who the hell is this?

RON

We couldn?t afford to keep the other Benjamin on the project. This guy?s better looking and half the price.

KELLY
(to Benjamin2)

Do you have any acting experience?

BENJAMIN2

I acted surprised at a birthday party once.

RON

You?ll do just fine. Anyhow, in the original script we flash back and forth between his heartfelt confession and his sordid past. Unfortunately now we only have time for his sordid past.

KELLY

So he doesn?t break down and cry in my arms?

RON

No... actually he falls on to the bed with a bottle of Thunderbird and two hookers. We don?t actually need you for this scene honey. Why not cut me a piece of cheesecake from the desert tray?

KELLY storms off again.

RON (CONT?D)

Places everyone, and ACTION!!!

RON exits. BENJAMIN2 enters with HOOKER#1 and HOOKER#2. He takes one last hit from his 99cent bottle of wine and the SCENARIO UNFOLDS.

FADE OUT.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT X-3 (KELLY, JEWEL)

RON explains the situation for the next scene. KELLY draws a bath while the CAMERAMAN sets up his shot.

RON

Okay baby. This is the scene before you meet BENJAMIN when you?re still living with your lesbian roommate in Manhattan. In the original script you fantasize about what it might be like to have another woman?s lips pressed against your love tunnel but ummm.....

KELLY

But umm what?!!!

RON

Well, the producers thought that since we had limited time and budget that the point would come across more effectively if another woman?s lips were pressed against your love tunnel.

KELLY

...but Ronnie. I?m an actress!

RON

Yeah, and I?m an aerobics instructor. Bring in the lesbian please.

LESBIAN enters.

RON (CONT?D)

Kelly, this is your lesbian roommate. Lesbian roommate, this is your Kelly. We?re gonna have Kelly draw a bath for herself and you?re gonna sneak up on her and take care of business okay?

LESBIAN

Are you sure the Screen Actors Guild is gonna be okay with this?

RON

Honey, I spoke to them personally. They?re all very excited for you. Roll tape!!! Action!!!!

SCENARIO UNFOLDS

FADE OUT.

INT. DRESSING ROOM ? DAY

RONNIE drops a bombshell on KELLY. A MAKEUP artist dabs at her face.

RON

Okay sweetie. The next scene is the movie finale. You and Benjamin reconcile after your return from Tajekstan, you settle down in the suburbs and adopt an albino orphan named Pinky.

KELLY

I?ve been studying this scene for weeks. We pledge our undying devotion and make love for the first time. The new guy playing Benjamin is quite handsome too. This oughta be fun.

RON

...umm.. actually, we lost that guy to a carpet store commercial. He obviously didn?t know a good thing when he saw it but not to worry, I know this scene like I know the super value menu at Mickey D?s. We?re gonna be great baby.... except I think we need to cut out the part about pledging our undying devotion and all that nonsense and skip right to the making love for the first time.

KELLY
(Angry)

That?s it!!!! I refuse to part with the last ounce of dignity I possess!!! I?d sooner masturbate with a belt sander than have sex with you in front of a camera!!!

[Doctor Dre]

RON

Honey, if it?ll make you more comfortable I could send the cameraman home and shoot from a tripod. We can?t really afford him anymore anyways.

KELLY

This movie was supposed to be my big break!!! Instead it?s turned into an excuse for you to order catering!!! I quit Ronnie!!!

RON

You can?t quit. We have a contract!!!

KELLY

In any jurisdiction in America, sex with you would be considered breach of contract!!!

She storms out. RON is left alone with the makeup artist.

RON

Have you ever aspired to be more than just a makeup artist?

MAKEUP ARTIST

I guess.

RON

Can you read basic English?

MAKEUP ARTIST

More or less.

RON

Would you have sex with me if I paid you an extra hundred bucks and promised to bathe?

MAKEUP ARTIST

Sure.

RON

You?re perfect. MAKEUP!!!.... oh, never mind... you are the.... can you put a little powder on this mole....

RON gestures to his genital region.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVINGROOM - DAY X-4(RON, AVA DEVINE)

RON and the MAKEUP artist prepare for the movie finale.

RON

Okay everybody. This is the most important part of our story. This is the scene where I get laid..... I mean, this is the scene where Kelly?s character, who is now being played by... what?s your name, honey?

MAKEUP ARTIST

Valerie.

RON

...Valerie, who?s going to be a big star someday I might add, the scene where she and Benjamin pledge their devotion to one another and discuss adopting a weird looking pale kid with pink eyes. Do you know your lines, honey?

MAKEUP ARTIST

Lines? You mean....

She makes a ?sniffing? gesture.

RON

Never mind. We probably don?t have time anyways. Mr. Cameraman. Film me from the left as often as you can. That?s my good side.

CAMERAMAN

Ronnie. You haven?t had a good side since 1979.

RON
(Sarcastically)

Very funny... ROLL TAPE!

MAKEUP ARTIST tries to act.

MAKEUP ARTIST
(Very staccato...)

Oh Benjamin... you are the only one for me. My love for you is stronger than a thousand hurricanes. When I first looked into your eyes...

RON
(Interrupting)

Never mind honey. This ain?t getting any better. Skip to the love scene.

SCENARIO UNFOLDS.

FADE OUT.

EXT. FRONT OF LOCATION ? DAY

RONNIE is on a cell phone with the producer.

RON
(pleading)

...but the movie?s wrapped. What do you mean we need a reshoot... I thought the scene was breathtakingly emotional... No, she was a makeup artist but given the proper training she could be... a makeup artist... fine.

RON hangs up the phone and turns to the CAMERAMAN who is having a cigarette.

RON (CONT?D)

They want to reshoot the last scene.

CAMERAMAN

Not enough powder on the mole?

RON

No!! They want Kelly back. Now I?m really going to have to swallow some pride.

CAMERAMAN

..better than what the makeup artist had to swallow.

RON

Shut up!!



FADE OUT.

INT. DRESSING ROOM ? DAY

RON pleads with KELLY to shoot the final scene.

KELLY

Do you promise me that I will get to deliver all of the dialogue exactly as it was written in the original script?

RON

..but honey, to be honest with you, people don?t really care all that much what you have to say. They buy these movies for a different reason.

KELLY

No dialogue. No dice.

RON
(Exasperated)

Fine. The dialogue stays.

KELLY

...AND I get to pick my partner.

RON

Wait a minute!! We?re out of money!

KELLY

The guy I have in mind has already been paid. I got drunk at a male strip club the other night and stuffed a blank check into his g-string. He owes me.

RON

Fine. Just finish the damn movie so we can all go home.

FADE TO:

EXT. JACUZZI - DAY X-5 (KELLY, LEE STONE)

KELLY and yet another guy playing the character of BENJAMIN sit together in a hot tub. RON gets the scenario set.

RON

Okay folks. This is it. The moment we?ve all been waiting for. We get to see Kelly?s tremendous acting ability.

He gives a sarcastic wink.

RON (CONT?D)

Places everyone. ACTION.

KELLY begins to pour our the performance of her life.

KELLY

Oh Benjamin... you are the only one for me. My love for you is stronger than a thousand hurricanes. When I first looked into your eyes I became enchanted as though a mystical force from beyond had willed this moment to be? our albino orphan son will never be at want for any of life?s necessities. We will be a family. An inseparable unit of....

RON?s face suddenly appears in front of the camera. KELLY continues to emote obliviously. He whispers...

RON
(Interrupting secretly)

Mr. Editor, please get us out of this somehow.

The scene suddenly jumps to FAST FORWARD until the dialogue ends and then...


SCENARIO UNFOLDS

FADE OUT.

EXT. GRIP TRUCK ? DAY

A lowly grip loads equipment into the truck in the background as RON and KELLY say their goodbyes.

KELLY

We may have cut a few corners but in the end I think I proved that I am truly an actress.

RON

...and I proved that a man years past his prime can still get laid if the price is right. Until next time sweetie....

KELLY gives RON a kiss on the cheek.

RON (CONT?D)

Why stop there honey. We can start working on the sequel right now. Your character falls for the Director of a movie based on the making of THIS movie. Scene one. Exterior - day. Blowjob in the parking lot.

KELLY

Goodbye Ron.

She walks off. He keeps talking.

RON

Okay. Maybe not a blowjob. How about a hand job. Much more dramatic credibility... Kelly? No? no. Don?t get in that cab. I?ll give you a ride home... wait a minute? I don?t own a car. Hold on, you can give me a ride home..?

THE END

[bringer]

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