Doctor Dre

RON

Honey, if it?ll make you more comfortable I could send the cameraman home and shoot from a tripod. We can?t really afford him anymore anyways.

KELLY

This movie was supposed to be my big break!!! Instead it?s turned into an excuse for you to order catering!!! I quit Ronnie!!!

RON

You can?t quit. We have a contract!!!

KELLY

In any jurisdiction in America, sex with you would be considered breach of contract!!!

She storms out. RON is left alone with the makeup artist.

RON

Have you ever aspired to be more than just a makeup artist?

MAKEUP ARTIST

I guess.

RON

Can you read basic English?

MAKEUP ARTIST

More or less.

RON

Would you have sex with me if I paid you an extra hundred bucks and promised to bathe?

MAKEUP ARTIST

Sure.

RON

You?re perfect. MAKEUP!!!.... oh, never mind... you are the.... can you put a little powder on this mole....

RON gestures to his genital region.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVINGROOM - DAY X-4(RON, AVA DEVINE)

RON and the MAKEUP artist prepare for the movie finale.

RON

Okay everybody. This is the most important part of our story. This is the scene where I get laid..... I mean, this is the scene where Kelly?s character, who is now being played by... what?s your name, honey?

MAKEUP ARTIST

Valerie.

RON

...Valerie, who?s going to be a big star someday I might add, the scene where she and Benjamin pledge their devotion to one another and discuss adopting a weird looking pale kid with pink eyes. Do you know your lines, honey?

MAKEUP ARTIST

Lines? You mean....

She makes a ?sniffing? gesture.

RON

Never mind. We probably don?t have time anyways. Mr. Cameraman. Film me from the left as often as you can. That?s my good side.

CAMERAMAN

Ronnie. You haven?t had a good side since 1979.

RON
(Sarcastically)

Very funny... ROLL TAPE!

MAKEUP ARTIST tries to act.

MAKEUP ARTIST
(Very staccato...)

Oh Benjamin... you are the only one for me. My love for you is stronger than a thousand hurricanes. When I first looked into your eyes...

RON
(Interrupting)

Never mind honey. This ain?t getting any better. Skip to the love scene.

SCENARIO UNFOLDS.

FADE OUT.

EXT. FRONT OF LOCATION ? DAY

RONNIE is on a cell phone with the producer.

RON
(pleading)

...but the movie?s wrapped. What do you mean we need a reshoot... I thought the scene was breathtakingly emotional... No, she was a makeup artist but given the proper training she could be... a makeup artist... fine.

RON hangs up the phone and turns to the CAMERAMAN who is having a cigarette.

RON (CONT?D)

They want to reshoot the last scene.

CAMERAMAN

Not enough powder on the mole?

RON

No!! They want Kelly back. Now I?m really going to have to swallow some pride.

CAMERAMAN

..better than what the makeup artist had to swallow.

RON

Shut up!!



FADE OUT.

INT. DRESSING ROOM ? DAY

RON pleads with KELLY to shoot the final scene.

KELLY

Do you promise me that I will get to deliver all of the dialogue exactly as it was written in the original script?

RON

..but honey, to be honest with you, people don?t really care all that much what you have to say. They buy these movies for a different reason.

KELLY

No dialogue. No dice.

RON
(Exasperated)

Fine. The dialogue stays.

KELLY

...AND I get to pick my partner.

RON

Wait a minute!! We?re out of money!

KELLY

The guy I have in mind has already been paid. I got drunk at a male strip club the other night and stuffed a blank check into his g-string. He owes me.

RON

Fine. Just finish the damn movie so we can all go home.

FADE TO:

EXT. JACUZZI - DAY X-5 (KELLY, LEE STONE)

KELLY and yet another guy playing the character of BENJAMIN sit together in a hot tub. RON gets the scenario set.

RON

Okay folks. This is it. The moment we?ve all been waiting for. We get to see Kelly?s tremendous acting ability.

He gives a sarcastic wink.

RON (CONT?D)

Places everyone. ACTION.

KELLY begins to pour our the performance of her life.

KELLY

Oh Benjamin... you are the only one for me. My love for you is stronger than a thousand hurricanes. When I first looked into your eyes I became enchanted as though a mystical force from beyond had willed this moment to be? our albino orphan son will never be at want for any of life?s necessities. We will be a family. An inseparable unit of....

RON?s face suddenly appears in front of the camera. KELLY continues to emote obliviously. He whispers...

RON
(Interrupting secretly)

Mr. Editor, please get us out of this somehow.

The scene suddenly jumps to FAST FORWARD until the dialogue ends and then...


SCENARIO UNFOLDS

FADE OUT.

EXT. GRIP TRUCK ? DAY

A lowly grip loads equipment into the truck in the background as RON and KELLY say their goodbyes.

KELLY

We may have cut a few corners but in the end I think I proved that I am truly an actress.

RON

...and I proved that a man years past his prime can still get laid if the price is right. Until next time sweetie....

KELLY gives RON a kiss on the cheek.

RON (CONT?D)

Why stop there honey. We can start working on the sequel right now. Your character falls for the Director of a movie based on the making of THIS movie. Scene one. Exterior - day. Blowjob in the parking lot.

KELLY

Goodbye Ron.

She walks off. He keeps talking.

RON

Okay. Maybe not a blowjob. How about a hand job. Much more dramatic credibility... Kelly? No? no. Don?t get in that cab. I?ll give you a ride home... wait a minute? I don?t own a car. Hold on, you can give me a ride home..?

THE END

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