you're god's gift to humanity!!! 13 imagine! :Graucho

Here's a short story;

http://www.fhmus.com/images/reporter/truestory/main.jpg

Back when I was a rookie cop being shown the ropes by an experienced officer named Mike, a call came in of breaking and entering at a local salvage yard. Mike was all too aware that the place was guarded by a vicious rottweiler named Sid, and when we arrived, he pulled out a fire extinguisher?an exceptional deterrent when sprayed into an animal?s eyes. Our shift sergeant duly arrived and confidently led the way over the barbed-wire fence into the dark yard. As soon as we rounded the first
corner, we saw Sid, standing about 40 yards away, baring his teeth and growling with intent. Then he charged us. However, rather than run, the sergeant decided that he was Crocodile Dundee and attempted to stare down the creature. It didn?t work, and when Sid was a mere 15 feet away, Mike grabbed the extinguisher and yelled, "Here Sarge, use this!" The sergeant nodded grimly, took it and swung it way up in the air, then brought it down on the leaping mutt?s head with a massive thud, killing it outright. "Not quite what I had in mind, Sarge," was all a stunned Mike could say.
Name and address withheld

"At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill"


Jack Handy :glugglug

I masturbate far too much. When I was 14 I did it simultaneously with my best friend, he'd never done it before and I showed him how. I later masturbated over that. A week ago I did it on a moving train in the toilet over the girl I had just been sitting opposite. I've masturbated over every girl I've ever known. I've masturbated into a yogurt, I've tried to suck my own penis, I do it on average twice a day over internet porn and crappy TV sex documentaries and erotic films.

I'm a virgin.

good one ! :thumbsup
esp. the website you found it! ;)

now me: (teh winner)

http://www.phun.org/phun/temp/phun.org_fun_1.jpg

http://www.phun.org/phun/temp/phun.org_fun_2.jpg

:)

yooooooooo this is getting tougher than i thought, everyone is coming with some funny stuff.....


i'm almost ready for the week 2 winner, but i gotta see and read more....lol

can I resell it if I win?

cheap shot using this one???

http://teenpiccentral.com/images/wegive.jpg

I'm just a sexy bitch

thats a classic, but i need fresh material

Hotlinking stuff from my site is ok - as long as it's for GFY :)

nah no selling of my sig, if i couldnt sell it this month, then i dont want anyone else selling it.



hey, you guys can use my sig for anything you want. promote your program, or someone elses, or just use it for fun...

hah i had no idea it was your site thats great i got there through like 3 other sites thats crazy :1orglaugh

http://teenpiccentral.com/images/owned4.jpg

http://teenpiccentral.com/images/piss.jpg

nah, i've seen that one photoshopped too many times.


and i just realized that that kid had one a real madrid jersey. how the hell could he afford that?

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"
"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.
"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.
"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

do me

http://www.fetishattic.com/gasmask.jpg

i do as im told!!!

:winkwink:

superman is flying around the coast. as he flies by this one area, he notices wonderwoman laying there tanning with her legs spread open. he says to himself "hey, im superman, with light speed... i can zoom in and out and tap that bitch without her even knowing what happened." so he dives down, bang the fuck out of her and zooms away in less than a split escond. wonderwoman is like "what the fuck was that?" and the invisible man replies " i dont know, but my ass hurts"

:1orglaugh

Whose the gayest goddamn rapper on earth??

http://teenpiccentral.com/images/me.jpg

Soldiers give kids gifts all the time if they help out, from what I understand. And not all Iraqis are dirt poor. They just happen to live in a warzone.

http://teenpiccentral.com/images/spread.jpg

http://teenpiccentral.com/images/tony.jpg

Miauw

a preist a pedo and a child molester walk into a bar

it was all one guy

http://www.neonbubble.com/images/sa/...e_guesswho.jpg

guess WHO!

i didnt even think of that. hmmm, true.

sexed?

These are allegedly real questions asked in a court of law.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15th
Q. What Year?
A. Every Year.

Q. What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A. Gucci Sweats and Reeboks.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he awoke that morning?
A. Where am I Cathy?
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.

Q. And where was the location of the accident?
A. Milepost 499
Q. And where is Milepost 499?
A. Probably between Milepost 498 and Milepost 500.

Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo or the occult?
A. We both do.
Q. Voodoo?
A. We do.
Q. You do?
A. Yes, Voodoo.

Q. Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A. Yes Sir.
Q. Did the defendant say anything?
A. Yes.
Q. What did she say?
A. What disco am I at?

Q. So the date of conception of your child was 8th August?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at that time?

Q. So she had 3 children. Were there any boys?
A. No.
Q. How many girls?

Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. By whose death?

Q. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Male or female?

Q. Is your appearance here pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No this is how I dress for work.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are on dead people.

Q. All your responses must be oral OK? What school did you go to?
A. oral.

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So is it possible that the patient was still alive at the time?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.


Lol. Gotta love the "Oral" answer. All true cases too!

Ok this ones GOTTA win.

Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

jackson, you win week number 2 with this one........lmfaooooooooo


you had me cracking up with a few of the other posts, but this one takes week number 2:1orglaugh :thumbsup

There is this girl with no arm and no legs sitting on the beach. A guy walked by and she started crying. The guy asked why are you crying she said I have never been kissed before so the guy kisses her. She starts crying again. The guy asked why are you crying she said I have never been screwed before. So the guy picked her up and threw her in the water and said now your screwed.

haha awesome man thats wats up :thumbsup

i've heard that one before....thats another classic

cool,

so think of what you'd like in the sig:thumbsup

Several years ago the US Army funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost of $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, N.O.W. decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the federal study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide men with more pleasure during sex.

Not long after, the national marketing director of Hooter's (faced with a threatened OSHA inquiry) decided to conduct their own study. Over the course of one weekend, (and a net profit of $2200 in tips) their study found that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying up and hitting him in the forehead.

A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet shop owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith!"

MrIzz


go here lol

http://www.hornyhumor.com/Animation/....&currentPic=1

ok good stuff thanks again man how should i contact you? hit me up on icq i guess its in my sig :thumbsup

http://www.collegehumor.com/img/i/im0003741500.w492.jpg

BUKAKE!