DVTimes

Lessons Learned
Billy is a kindergartner. He comes home from school one day and says to his mom "Guess what happened to me in school today!" and before she can answer he says "I had sex with my teacher!" His mom goes apeshit and screams "Go to your room and tell your father what you did when he gets home." So his father comes home around seven and goes to Billy's room and says "What did you do this time Billy." Billy replies "I had sex with my teacher!" "Good boy!" Says his father, "Let's go buy you a new bicycle." When they get out of the bike shop with his brand new shiny red bike with training wheels and a cute little bell his father says "Do you want to ride your new bicycle home Billy?" and Billy says, "No, my ass still hurts."

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It's Nice To Be Wanted
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work". "Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie". "Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack". Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards". "What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

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Girls Vs. Boys
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

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A Lesson In Anatomy
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten! For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there." "Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so." "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek." "No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

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Master Of The House
There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the hahahahahaha of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your hahahahahaha. Why was that?" She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..." He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?" She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..." He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..." She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

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Great Customer Service
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot" "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are". The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"

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The Paratrooper
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your arse.' " "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."

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What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.


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Introductions
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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My How Things Change
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!


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Been A Long Time, Fellas
Me and a buddy were going hunting one day and as we came to the top of a hill I saw that one of my friends cows had it's head stuck in a fence,and since he let us hunt on his land I would free his cow from the fence. When we got to the cow I looked at my buddy and said "ya know , I havent had any in awhile" so I started fucking the cow and really gettin into it. When I finished I told my buddy it was his turn... So he went and stuck his head in the fence.


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Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in hahahahahaha.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE


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Choices
A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.The wive says, "I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob." So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says,"your dick tastes like shit!" The guy says, "yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."


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The Triplets
A women was pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives. She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out. So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story. The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

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Ash@phpFX

a couple of good ones in there

axelcat

MistressLuna

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maxdaname

Damn that was long! But it was worth it!

Doctor Dre

Lessons Learned
Billy is a kindergartner. He comes home from school one day and says to his mom "Guess what happened to me in school today!" and before she can answer he says "I had sex with my teacher!" His mom goes apeshit and screams "Go to your room and tell your father what you did when he gets home." So his father comes home around seven and goes to Billy's room and says "What did you do this time Billy." Billy replies "I had sex with my teacher!" "Good boy!" Says his father, "Let's go buy you a new bicycle." When they get out of the bike shop with his brand new shiny red bike with training wheels and a cute little bell his father says "Do you want to ride your new bicycle home Billy?" and Billy says, "No, my ass still hurts."

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

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Doctor Dre

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

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Doctor Dre

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

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Thomas1007

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jpwhits

funny because its true

brickbat

<b>C o o k i e s With Grandpa</b>
One day, a little boy goes over to his grandparents house and is sitting out on the poarch with his grandfather. Grandpa is drinking a beer and the little boy asks if he can have a sip. "can your dick touch your asshole?" replies the grandpa. He says no, so the grandpa says "well, then you arent old enough yet to drink beer". The little boy goes back to his grandparents house about a week later and is again sitting on the poarch with grandpa, and again asks if he can have a sip of grandpa's beer. "Can your dick touch your asshole yet?" He says it still cant, so Grandpa say "Sorry, but youre still not old enough yet" The little boy goes inside where grandma gives him a plate of fresh hahahahahahas. He goes back outside and Grandpa asks him if he can have one. "Can YOUR dick touch YOUR asshole, Grandpa?" "Sure can" says Grandpa. "Well good for you, then go fuck yourself, cuz these are my hahahahahahas"

<b>Dirty Priests</b>
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
- A pimple waits until puberty to come all over a boys face.

<b>Mr Peter wants a raise</b>
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I work head first
I do not get RDO?s, weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don?t get paid overtime or shift penalties
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from the administration:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work eight hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don?t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
You don?t wait untill pension age before retiring
You don?t like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day?s work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

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