Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

Post

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri

How do you know when a blonde has lost her virginity?
Her crayons are wet.

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.

So what's the problem?

Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?

A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."

Her husband sighed and said, "All right, I'll stop doing it."

He: "I already have a nickname for you."

She: "And what is that?"

He: "MasterCard."

She: "MasterCard?"

He: "Yes, MasterCard. I plan on mastering your possibilities and takin' you to the limit."

Bob: "So, how's it going with the ladies?"

Joey: "Women to me are sex objects."

Bob: "Really?"

Joey: "Sure. Whenever I mention sex, they object."

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement?" asked Julie.

"Well," Sharon confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant.

"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "Here in the East we think breeding is everything."

"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

Even KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new, year 2000 compliant, product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"

(This refers to the show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire)

After dinner Regis and his wife, Joy, retired to the bedroom. With high hopes, Regis asked Joy if she would like to make love.

She replied with her usual, "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache."

"Hmmmm," mused Regis, "is that your final answer?"

"Yes, it is," replied Joy.

Regis thought this over for a moment and then asked, "I'd like to phone a friend."

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.

The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said the second young thing.

"Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in America. And the doll is anatomically correct. Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't ya think? Finally a male doll with something "down there," and he turns out to be gay. Isn't that every woman's nightmare?

Jeff and Linda are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. "Awwwww Hell!" Jeff murmured, "Fuzz!"

"What did ya expect?" Linda says, "A perm?"

Gomer Pyle is with his girlfriend Bunny and he says, "Bunny, can I put my finger in your belly button?"

She answers, "Why Gomer, how forward, but I guess so."

A few minutes pass and Bunny says in a surprised tone, "Why Gomer, that isn't my belly button!"

Gomer answers exuberantly, "Sur----prise! Sur---prise!!!! That ain't my finger neither! Gollllllyyyyyy.......

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies. "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No," he says. "Because it's burning my ass!"

A Scottish man was taking a stroll down a country lane, where he meets up with a curious lady. She walks up to him and says, "They tell me that you people don't wear anything under those kilts."

The Scotsman says, "Feel and see for yourself."

So she did and says, "Oh, that's gruesome!"

He says, "Try it again, it grew some more!"

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the fellow shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some!"

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. "Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen," the lady replied.

"Lady," he gasped, "You're not a nudist, you just don't have time to get dressed!"

The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of love making. The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

"I can't help feeling that we've met before," he said.

"Yeah, I know," sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'."

"My, but you look different today Claudia," commented Rene to her coworker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"

"No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."

The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and say, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!"

He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have."

The female response was: "Well, spit it out. It isn't yours!"

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest. "Your legs!"

The sex of a bee is hard to see
But he can tell and so can she.
The queen is quite a busy soul
She has no time for birth control.
And that is why in times like these,
There are so many sons of bees.

The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields and finally came into the city. They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow and then to red.

Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here. If there's one thing I hate, it's a woman who's a tease."

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given a vicar a hair lip -- and there were still 5 shaves left!

There were two old ladies at a dance. One says, "Do you remember the minuet?"

The other replies, "I can't even remember the ones I screwed."

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer, and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway.

"Lord," he pleaded, "Please let her be having an affair."

Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

A guy goes running into a sex shop to return his blow-up doll. He says to the owner, "Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back."

The owner says, "Hell, if I'd have known she was going to do that, I'd have charged you $75!"

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say that they are hungry and thirsty. It was freezing in the house so they have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

35:winkwink:

The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store. Well, low and behold there were two older Indian women siting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation.

The one older Indian woman said, "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho."

One of the East Coast hookers said, "No Shit, Well, I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho."

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves." I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."