Got any jokes? - GoFuckYourself.com

Vendzilla · 03-12-2020, 04:28 PM

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

CaptainHowdy · 03-12-2020, 04:31 PM

. . .

Grapesoda · 03-12-2020, 05:06 PM

A is for apple, B is banana, what is C for?

RyuLion · 03-12-2020, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptainHowdy

. . .

Rochard · 03-12-2020, 08:33 PM

Okay, that made me chuckle.

Grapesoda · 03-12-2020, 09:16 PM

sarettah · 03-12-2020, 10:50 PM

Back in the day, GrapeNuts and I were pretty close. Something very few people know is he has a son. He doesn't talk much about him, I don't know why.

One day at school, the teacher had a few minutes left at the end of the class and asked if any of the students had any questions, of any kind, that they needed an answer to. Billy (GrapeNut's boy) raised his hand and the teacher said, "Ok, Billy, what is your question?"

Billy replied, "Well teach, I've been hearing a lot lately about a thing called a penis, do you know what that is?".

The teacher got a little flummoxed and finally stuttered out, "That is probably something that you should ask your father."

So, Billy went home and that night after dinner he went up to GrapeNuts and said "Dad, I asked my teacher and she said I should probably ask you. I have been hearing a lot lately about a thing called a penis, do you know what that is?"

GrapeNuts looked at his son proudly, stood up, unzipped his pants and pulled out his member and said, "Billy, this is a penis, and furthermore, it is a perfect penis."

Billy was like "cool, thanks".

The next day he was walking to school and his friend Bobby ran up. Bobby asked Billy, "Well, diod you find out what a penis is?".

Billy looked at Bobby proudly and said "Yeah", he then unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and said "Bobby, this is a penis and furthermore, if it was 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect penis".

(I'm here all week folks, please make sure to tip the servers) ;p

lock · 03-13-2020, 12:34 AM

I watched Jackie Brown again the other day I think that is where I heard this joke.

Zuzana Designs · 03-13-2020, 03:45 AM

What to hear a joke about the coronavirus?
You probably wouldn't get it anyways

Grapesoda · 03-13-2020, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zuzana Designs

What to hear a joke about the coronavirus?
You probably wouldn't get it anyways

not bad...... how is your community doing?

Grapesoda · 03-13-2020, 08:47 AM

Moses looked at god and said: you mean the arabs get all the oil and we have to cut the end of our dicks off?

pornguy · 03-13-2020, 08:56 AM

its already been stated that the cases of corona virus in Canada wont be proven until the appointments in september.

Vendzilla · 03-13-2020, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zuzana Designs

What to hear a joke about the coronavirus?
You probably wouldn't get it anyways

Best one so far!

Vendzilla · 03-13-2020, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pornguy

its already been stated that the cases of corona virus in Canada wont be proven until the appointments in september.

Ring of truth there!

celandina · 03-13-2020, 09:23 AM

CRIMEA JOKE ( cautious NOT politically correct !!!)

Two very old guys and friends ( widowers) meet in a park. One asks the other one. " I am now so alone but after Mary died I have a lot of cash and could use a nice vacation where I can a bit of nookie before I die. "

The other answers : "Crimea !! The ONLY place to go. When I went there it was a bliss. I had a huge villa on the beach, with 2 sexy babes. They cooked for me a gourmet dinner every night, decanted the best wine and fucked me all night"

Wow, says the other guy I will go to Crimea !

A year later they meet again. The first guy asks... " How was your vacation in Crimea?"

The other man answers : " Terrible, got a shack in the bush, the two attendands were two old smelly wicthes, who did not know how to cook, and for drink just bad home brew...and as to fucking? No thanks !"

So who organized your trip and when did you go?

I went with ACME Travel in September 2019 ?

The answer: I am not surprised ACME Travel is NOT that good.

the other guy. : "'And with whom and when did you go ?"

the guy answers : " With Wehrmacht in June 1942"

Applebite Media · 03-13-2020, 09:38 AM

Yesterday I saw a bald man walking down the street with 2 rabbits on his head... I said, "Excuse me, why do you have 2 rabbits on your head?"

He replied... "from a distance, they look like hares".

Zuzana Designs · 03-13-2020, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grapesoda

not bad...... how is your community doing?

It's still a giant mess but with the National Guard here now it's helping out. Thanks for asking

Vendzilla · 03-13-2020, 11:48 AM

Today's drink special
A Quarantiny.
It's a regular martini that you drink at home, alone!

celandina · 03-14-2020, 02:42 AM

03-12-2020, 04:28 PM	#1
Vendzilla Biker Gnome Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: cell#324 Posts: 23,200	Got any jokes? The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

03-12-2020, 04:31 PM	#2
CaptainHowdy Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Happy in the dark. Posts: 93,174	. . . __________________ FLASH SALE INSANITY! deal with a 100% Trusted Seller Buy Traffic Spots on a High-Quality Network 1 Year or Lifetime — That’s Right, Until the Internet Explodes!

03-12-2020, 08:33 PM	#5
Rochard Jägermeister Test Pilot Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: NORCAL Posts: 73,297	Okay, that made me chuckle. __________________ “The choice is no longer between right or left. The choice is between normal and crazy.” - Sarah Huckabee Sanders YNOT MAIL \| THE BEST ADULT MAILING SOLUTION

03-12-2020, 10:50 PM	#7
sarettah see you later, I'm gone Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 14,072	Back in the day, GrapeNuts and I were pretty close. Something very few people know is he has a son. He doesn't talk much about him, I don't know why. One day at school, the teacher had a few minutes left at the end of the class and asked if any of the students had any questions, of any kind, that they needed an answer to. Billy (GrapeNut's boy) raised his hand and the teacher said, "Ok, Billy, what is your question?" Billy replied, "Well teach, I've been hearing a lot lately about a thing called a penis, do you know what that is?". The teacher got a little flummoxed and finally stuttered out, "That is probably something that you should ask your father." So, Billy went home and that night after dinner he went up to GrapeNuts and said "Dad, I asked my teacher and she said I should probably ask you. I have been hearing a lot lately about a thing called a penis, do you know what that is?" GrapeNuts looked at his son proudly, stood up, unzipped his pants and pulled out his member and said, "Billy, this is a penis, and furthermore, it is a perfect penis." Billy was like "cool, thanks". The next day he was walking to school and his friend Bobby ran up. Bobby asked Billy, "Well, diod you find out what a penis is?". Billy looked at Bobby proudly and said "Yeah", he then unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and said "Bobby, this is a penis and furthermore, if it was 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect penis". (I'm here all week folks, please make sure to tip the servers) ;p __________________ All cookies cleared!

03-13-2020, 12:34 AM	#8
lock Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 5,065	I watched Jackie Brown again the other day I think that is where I heard this joke. __________________ Traffic.Tools - 40+ Free Tools Free.Marketing - 150+ Free Tools Submission.Tools - 20+ Free Tools

03-12-2020, 05:06 PM	#3
Grapesoda So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montana Posts: 46,238	A is for apple, B is banana, what is C for?

03-12-2020, 09:16 PM	#6
Grapesoda So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montana Posts: 46,238

03-13-2020, 03:45 AM	#9
Zuzana Designs All Your Design Needs Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: [email protected] Posts: 20,799	What to hear a joke about the coronavirus? You probably wouldn't get it anyways __________________ Website Design - Consulting - Development sarah [at] zuzanadesigns.com - See Our Work Need a SFW landing page or tour for age verification?

03-13-2020, 08:47 AM	#11
Grapesoda So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montana Posts: 46,238	Moses looked at god and said: you mean the arabs get all the oil and we have to cut the end of our dicks off?

03-13-2020, 08:56 AM	#12
pornguy Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Homeless Posts: 62,911	its already been stated that the cases of corona virus in Canada wont be proven until the appointments in september. __________________ PornGuy skype me pornguy_epic AmateurDough The Hottes Shemales online! TChicks.com \| Angeles Cid \| Mariana Cordoba \| MAILERS WELCOME!

03-13-2020, 09:23 AM	#15
celandina Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 11,408	CRIMEA JOKE ( cautious NOT politically correct !!!) Two very old guys and friends ( widowers) meet in a park. One asks the other one. " I am now so alone but after Mary died I have a lot of cash and could use a nice vacation where I can a bit of nookie before I die. " The other answers : "Crimea !! The ONLY place to go. When I went there it was a bliss. I had a huge villa on the beach, with 2 sexy babes. They cooked for me a gourmet dinner every night, decanted the best wine and fucked me all night" Wow, says the other guy I will go to Crimea ! A year later they meet again. The first guy asks... " How was your vacation in Crimea?" The other man answers : " Terrible, got a shack in the bush, the two attendands were two old smelly wicthes, who did not know how to cook, and for drink just bad home brew...and as to fucking? No thanks !" So who organized your trip and when did you go? I went with ACME Travel in September 2019 ? The answer: I am not surprised ACME Travel is NOT that good. the other guy. : "'And with whom and when did you go ?" the guy answers : " With Wehrmacht in June 1942"

03-13-2020, 09:38 AM	#16
Applebite Media Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2018 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 406	Yesterday I saw a bald man walking down the street with 2 rabbits on his head... I said, "Excuse me, why do you have 2 rabbits on your head?" He replied... "from a distance, they look like hares". __________________ ================================================== ============================ Help, HELP!.... Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing!!!!!! Stop renting software! Say NO to Rentware! Take a Bite - Applebite Media

03-13-2020, 11:48 AM	#18
Vendzilla Biker Gnome Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: cell#324 Posts: 23,200	Today's drink special A Quarantiny. It's a regular martini that you drink at home, alone! __________________ Webair died? Carbon is not the problem, it makes up 0.041% of our atmosphere , 95% of that is from Volcanos and decomposing plants and stuff. So people in the US are responsible for 13% of the carbon in the atmosphere which 95% is not from Humans, like cars and trucks and stuff and they want to spend trillions to fix it while Solar Panel plants are powered by coal plants think about that

03-14-2020, 02:42 AM	#19
celandina Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 11,408