Got any jokes?
 

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh . . .

A is for apple, B is banana, what is C for?

:2 cents: :1orglaugh:1orglaugh

Okay, that made me chuckle.

Back in the day, GrapeNuts and I were pretty close. Something very few people know is he has a son. He doesn't talk much about him, I don't know why.

One day at school, the teacher had a few minutes left at the end of the class and asked if any of the students had any questions, of any kind, that they needed an answer to. Billy (GrapeNut's boy) raised his hand and the teacher said, "Ok, Billy, what is your question?"

Billy replied, "Well teach, I've been hearing a lot lately about a thing called a penis, do you know what that is?".

The teacher got a little flummoxed and finally stuttered out, "That is probably something that you should ask your father."

So, Billy went home and that night after dinner he went up to GrapeNuts and said "Dad, I asked my teacher and she said I should probably ask you. I have been hearing a lot lately about a thing called a penis, do you know what that is?"

GrapeNuts looked at his son proudly, stood up, unzipped his pants and pulled out his member and said, "Billy, this is a penis, and furthermore, it is a perfect penis."

Billy was like "cool, thanks".

The next day he was walking to school and his friend Bobby ran up. Bobby asked Billy, "Well, diod you find out what a penis is?".

Billy looked at Bobby proudly and said "Yeah", he then unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and said "Bobby, this is a penis and furthermore, if it was 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect penis".



(I'm here all week folks, please make sure to tip the servers) ;p

I watched Jackie Brown again the other day I think that is where I heard this joke.

What to hear a joke about the coronavirus?
You probably wouldn't get it anyways

not bad...... how is your community doing?

Moses looked at god and said: you mean the arabs get all the oil and we have to cut the end of our dicks off?

its already been stated that the cases of corona virus in Canada wont be proven until the appointments in september.

Best one so far!

Ring of truth there!

CRIMEA JOKE ( cautious NOT politically correct !!!)

Two very old guys and friends ( widowers) meet in a park. One asks the other one. " I am now so alone but after Mary died I have a lot of cash and could use a nice vacation where I can a bit of nookie before I die. "

The other answers : "Crimea !! The ONLY place to go. When I went there it was a bliss. I had a huge villa on the beach, with 2 sexy babes. They cooked for me a gourmet dinner every night, decanted the best wine and fucked me all night"

Wow, says the other guy I will go to Crimea !

A year later they meet again. The first guy asks... " How was your vacation in Crimea?"

The other man answers : " Terrible, got a shack in the bush, the two attendands were two old smelly wicthes, who did not know how to cook, and for drink just bad home brew...and as to fucking? No thanks !"

So who organized your trip and when did you go?

I went with ACME Travel in September 2019 ?

The answer: I am not surprised ACME Travel is NOT that good.

the other guy. : "'And with whom and when did you go ?"

the guy answers : " With Wehrmacht in June 1942" :1orglaugh

Yesterday I saw a bald man walking down the street with 2 rabbits on his head... I said, "Excuse me, why do you have 2 rabbits on your head?"

He replied... "from a distance, they look like hares".

It's still a giant mess but with the National Guard here now it's helping out. Thanks for asking

Today's drink special
A Quarantiny.
It's a regular martini that you drink at home, alone!