What if you met the woman of your dreams, then 2 months into it you found out...
 

...up until she met you she was casually banging her ex-husband? Maybe she tells you something along the lines of "it was nothing serious, he's still single, I was single, yada yada yada..."

Would you be pissed?

Moreover, would you dump her because of it?

Before you answer consider that she is totally devoted to you from virtually the time you started officially being together and exclusive. She is quite possibly everything you could want in a woman, except for this one thing.

And no, I'm not in this situation, but have been in similar situations in the past.


Discuss...

I fucked my X when I was single, nothing wrong in that, as long as you arent fuckign other people at the same time(for health reasons)

its a fuck buddy

I'd say that the "up until" part is what matters.. Why would you care who she fucked in the past? Are you telling her about all of your previous partners?

I'd punish shakira for making her hips lie

key words = "up until she met you."

If you dump her because of it, you're an ass and deserve to loose her, imho.


Haven't you ever watched "Chasing Amy?"

Too many men expect choir girl virgins when they meet them..

What if she said she was bangin' the neighbor.. or the ups guy..

It's not as if she was sitting around waiting for the right one to come along, nor should she be expected to..

It's not the past that's the problem.. it's an insecurity on the guy's part... He was no doubt bangin' a few here & there... no difference..

Well said. Dont understand why a sane person would look at it any other way

Interesting responses so far. All quite accepting and tolerant, which is okay.

Anyone in the "What's wrong with not having sex until you meet someone" camp?

What about the argument of "How do I know her ex husband wasn't out banging other chicks and could have brought god-knows-what diseases to her?"


There are few discussions where only one opinion is "sane".

I don't have time for games, lies, or bullshit in my relationships. Time is too precious for that. The very moment a woman doesn't live up to my expectations I drop kick them without a second thought.

Before I got married, my last girlfriend upset me, and I walked without a second thought. The best part was she kept coming back, begging, on her hands and knees.

No, in this case if she told me she was still banging her ex-husband I would have said "Well, let me know how that works for you. Laters".

If you are not ready to trust her, you are not ready for a relationship

If she stopped banging him when she started fucking you, then it's cool.

Otherwise, call Jerry Springer. Especially, if you're a toothless trailer dwelling alcoholic drug addict from Alabama who's also fucking her sister.

For some, trust may only go so far when talking about possibly getting HIV.

that is a different discussion.

He meet a new girl, and they start a relationship. The second they meet, she stop fucking her X. How on earth do that compare with your flaky X that want you back?

That is not a problem. Do you know how many ex's have sex? All of them.

How do you know she doesn't have any diseases from screwing him while they were married? :helpme

If she's not screwing anyone while you're together, no one should care. Screwing her ex, the pool boy, her neighbor, etc. before you started dating means nothing, nada. And NOT having sex is just dumb :thumbsup

She could have gotten HIV 3 years prior to meeting you, I fail to see the connection.

This is getting off topic, I'm out

Read my first post closer. In the 3rd little paragraph I said "she is totally devoted to you from virtually the time you started officially being together and exclusive."

Rochard may have read that as for the first week or 2 of dating she was still banging him, and only after an exclusive relationship was established did she quit with her ex.

Does that change your stance at all?

I was expecting "she used to be a man". :)

Relax sparky, this is a discussion, not an argument.

That thread has been done before.


Come to think of it this one probably has too. :D

Not me. When I'm done, I'm done.

Can be true but not in all cases, but nowadays so too is it dumb to be having sex with just anybody.

I'm just wondering if there is anyone here who is of the opinion that it's not unreasonable for someone to actually wait until they meet someone they want to be in a relationship with before having sex. I would go so far as to say I know several people who would no more go having casual sex than they would swallow rat poison.

Some people really do prefer to wait until they're with someone they care about, and not in the way that one might care about an ex. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing or a "dumb" thing either.

Nor do I think those saying they would just accept her regardless are wrong (or dumb). My motto has always been go with what works for you. Hard to argue with it when it works.

No, it doesn't. If an exclusive relationship has not been established, then it is none of anyone's business who the chick in the scenario was banging. The game begins, so to speak, when the official relationship and exclusive bit begins.

I agree 100% :thumbsup

This girl was having sex with someone she trusted enough to marry - seems like THE smartest sex she'll have - including having it with the new guy :winkwink:

Basic needs have to be met. Eat, sleep, sex. What better place to have casual sex than with someone you've already been with? It's like eating fried chicken, mashed potatoes and mac n cheese - pure comfort. By criticizing someone for this, you're shutting the barn door after the horse is out. She already did it. She wanted casual sex and found it with the most logical person she could find. Then she found the NEW person and got rid of the fuck buddy. Happens all the time. Looks like her biggest mistake was telling!! :upsidedow

Interesting.

So, for the sake of argument, you yourself don't mind dating a guy and finding out later that he was screwing other people while you were "just dating"?

I'm kind of surprised by that. Most people I know would be of the mind that they wouldn't much like that. "You're either dating me or you're with other people, which is it?" kind of thing.

Very tolerant crowd on GFY today. It must be Sunday. :D

Ah, but you're assuming the ex hubby isn't a complete fucking idiot, for lack of a better term. For all you know he is a needle-sharing junkie, or maybe a bi-curious no-condom-using AIDS risk, and may actually NOT be the "smartest sex" source you're assuming him to be.

Again, there is no one sane or right answer here.

What part of "this isn't about me" didn't you quite understand hoss?

Or we're just grownups :thumbsup

Until we've had that "OK, we are exclusive" talk, IMO, all bets are off and you can sleep with whomever, whenever, you want. And TBH, it's smart to ASSume anyone you're sleeping with has been with or is a needle-sharing junkie, or maybe a bi-curious no-condom-using AIDS risk and you should protect yourself accordingly. :2 cents:

i would dump her. thats a huge red flag. next it will be "we're still friends..." ... "oh sure, he calls all the time, but it doesn't mean anything"... "we just had lunch together.. thats all" etc.

then it just goes downhill from there. he is going to continue to try to fuck her every chance he gets because thats what guys do and you know right out of the gate that she isn't too opposed to that idea.

:2 cents:

Depends if she lied about who she was banging before you found out she was banging the ex before you.

Call me childish or whatnot, but if I'm dating someone and I later found out that while we were dating she was banging some other guy, I'd drop her like a sack of potatoes.

Somehow, it just makes me feel dirty and it gives me the impression that she's not the type of person that can completely invest themselves or have something to hide.

Good god this is the most STUPID reply I've ever read lately here i think. You should trust a person as soon as you "start" a "relationship" with someone? How can you possibly when you don't really even know them? People throw the word trust around so much i want to throw up. Then people wonder what happened when they get fucked around on because you were just blinded by her big tits and what she chose to let you see.

I agree, i didn't realize this situation had her banging him *while* you guys were dating.

Actually, what I meant by "it must be Sunday" is that the more moralistic side of the board might be away at church, while the more tolerant crowd is here, thus making the discussion up to that point a tad lop-sided. That's all.

I see there are a few from the "I'd dump her" camp on now though. :D

You do of course realize that works both ways. I find it funny how opinions vary once the shoe is on the other foot, and you the woman is smitten with a new love only to find out later that your prize beau was laying the proverbial pipe to his still-available ex wife while you and he were still in "just dating" mode.

I understand what you''re saying, I just find it hard to believe that your view isn't in the minority. It's definitely a very modern progressive opinion, I'll give you that. But in my experience the fact is most women have a little green monster inside them and the claws do tend to come out swinging when another woman is in their "zone" if you will. :1orglaugh

Would I like it? Not particularly. But if the door has been left open for me to do the same, then I have no reason to bitch. Just dating means just dating to me. And that means both parties are free to do whatever or whoever. Once we move from 'just dating' to seeing each other exclusively, then it's a whole 'nother ballgame.

While I can understand this part of your post....

I also find it a bit unrealistic. By that train of thought, if you go out on one date with a person, does it mean you have locked in to them?

Exactly. I'm of the opinion that most wouldn't whether they want to admit it or not.


But we're not talking about one date. We're talking about a situation where you are 2+ months into the relationship, you are quite smitten with this person in all the usual ways people get smitten with one another. Maybe your heart is leaping ahead to what might happen down the road, how great it might be to finally have another long-term (or possibly permanent?) relationship.... then your new love tells you he/she was banging their ex during the first few weeks you were dating.

You're right, I doubt you would like it. I'm quite certain most people wouldn't.

So far we have about 65-70% of people saying it wouldn't bother them or they would ignore, or otherwise deal with it/tolerate it etc,

and about 30% give or take saying they would outright "cut the bitch loose".

I find stuff like this very interesting, and good discussion material. :pimp

Its just my opinion but i think a lot of the people who think its ok have been the ones to be fucking around while dating others. Of course going on a first date with someone is nothing but i guess it all depends on your definition of dating. If you are talking every day, hanging out several times a week, sleeping over, fucking, ect. I'd say you've gone from casual to something a bit more and if you just assume unless someone says its not ok, that its ok then it seems you don't have much respect for that person.

a) murder her ex-husband.
b) carry on with the relationship.

None of that is what you said in your original post. You said

How does "up until she met you" translate into "he/she was banging their ex during the first few weeks you were dating."?

No matter, I'm out. :)

The arguement could also be made that several disasters have happened from people assuming that they had exclusive relationships when the other person was assuming that they did not.

Best course to remedy all that is to communicate. :)

I find that in relationships, these days especially, trust is a fragile thing. Here you have a situation where while you were dating and getting to know one another your prospective other was secretly still sleeping with their ex-other. One may conjur up images of some of those dates you had or that night you spent snuggling on the couch in the 2nd week and then him/her leaving to supposedly go home but instead they went for a booty call.

People do imagine all sorts of things, it's certainly not uncommon.

I also find that there are people who aren't looking for those little red flags that should be, and there are many who are so distrusting they are overly looking to find fault and causes for concern at every turn.

Being single and dating really is a chess match of sorts.

as long as she did stop the second we started dating, there wouldnt be anything to do or say imho

Yeah i would certainly be pissed off.

I also said:which clearly says "from the time you (they) started being exclusive"... which leaves a length of time where they were merely dating and getting to know each other, no?

I hope it's to go out and enjoy the day and not because you are frustrated with me. :D

(we're just talking here, right?)

personally, i always find relationships and peoples views on relationships to be very interesting. you would think that people would kinda have it figured out after 10-20 million years... but anywhere you look, there isn't much evidence to support that notion.

as with any living organism, we are all selfish. everything we do from morning to night is selfish in nature. relationships are selfish in nature. they are about fulfilling selfish needs under the guise of "love", "finding love" etc. often, those needs are very unhealthy, yet we have no problem convincing ourselves that its ok or rationalizing that our behaviors/relationships are normal. that to me, explains the different views. i think that for the most part, everyone is more trying to validate their own feelings/behaviors/insecurities/paranoia more than they are trying to step back and just take an honest, objective, complete look at the situation.

Kinda sounds more often than not that this is used as a loophole for those who want to "have their cake and eat it too".

A bit of a dismal view, but essentially correct in a general kind of way I suppose.

I have however met some pretty caring and kind, giving women over the years who think of others and the needs of others before their own, but in general I'd say that what you just said applies to a good many people.

As for how what you said applies to this situation, one could be inclined to say that the very act of availing oneself of the availability of their ex for convenient "safe" gratification of their urges is in itself very selfish. While others would say it would be stupid NOT to, I find the space between those two views to be miles long and frankly, quite amusing. :D

If she is really "the girl of your dreams," you do whatever you need to do to keep her. All within reason, of course.

That means cutting her some slack.