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What is the best joke you have ever heard?
I am always looking for great jokes but have a bad joke memory and only remember a select few. What is your best?
Mitch |
Yo mamma.
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Knock knock
Who's there? The Gestapo. |
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:1orglaugh |
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GOOD ONE!! LOL |
How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman?
You stuff her cunt full of shit |
There once was a company called NetBilling
They'd process orders for anyone, God willing But promote themselves with lame-ass threads they did try, on public webmaster boards like GFY, so in the end they look like they're just shilling. Always loved that one. :D |
i better get a drink for this :winkwink: haha, but its one of my favs
Two guys are at a bar. The one says "hey, its my wife's birthday today." The other guy says "great, what did you get her?" He says "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes." "A diamond ring and a Mercedes?!?" says the other guy. "Yes, if she didn't like the ring, she could take it back in her Mercedes." The other guy goes "oh ok, well my wife's birthday was last week." "What did you get her?" says the guy. The other guy goes "flip flops and a dildo." "Flip flops and a dildo??" the guy says. "Yes" the other guy says, "that's so if she didn't like the flip flops she can go fuck herself!" :1orglaugh:1orglaugh |
It is Fred's first day in prison
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room. Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number." Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one." "Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh" Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him. Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number. "What happened?" he asks. The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke." |
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but there is this thing "Its So Difficult To Remember A Good Joke" Ref: http://www.enotalone.com/article/19433.html i like., knock knock |
Guy goes into a skyscraper bar. A guy at the bar says, "When it's windy out like tonight the breeze blows between the buildings and creates an updraft. If you jump out this window, an air current spins you around and blows you back in. Look." And he does it. 1st guy tries it and falls 15 stories. SPLAT! Bartender says "Geez, Superman, you're a real dick when you're drunk."
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Just fucking nasty... From an old Bass player I used to jam with...
Girl asks her Dad to borrow the car... he says... "sure... if you suck my dick". She yells "THATS FUCKING GROSS DAD"! and storms outta the room. She thinks about it awhile and decides to try again. "Dad... can I PLEASE borrow the car tonight"? He repeats... "If you suck my dick". Well, She really wants to go out so she decides to just do it. She puts his dick in her mouth and screams..."DAD... YOUR DICK TASTES LIKE SHIT"!... Hes says... "Oh thats right... I forgot... your brother borrowed the car tonight". |
Said the performer to the client:
It's a business doing pleasure with you. |
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Not the 'Best'... But the 'Sickest'...
Guy rings his boss... Guy: Boss, I aint coming to work today.... I'm sick... Boss: Again? Thats the 3rd time this week. Guy: Yeah, so what? I'm sick. Boss: Exactly how sick are are you? Guy: Put it this way, I'm in bed with my 8 year old daughter, I'm fucking her in the ass, and I'm loving every minute of it! So I aint coming to work! That sick enough for you? |
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A man walked into a bar.
And said OUCH!! |
A man walked into a bar.
And said OUCH!! |
How do you make an 8yo girl cry twice?
Ahhh I can't tell that one I'm the son of God here... but you wipe your dick on her Teddy bear after. |
Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.
"What's the matter?" I asked. "Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest bitch I have ever seen!" "Don't look at me," I said. "I wasn't implying it was you, I just-" "No seriously, don't look at me; you're fucking hideous." |
what do you call a chinese caveman?
Ugh Lee |
An 80 year old couple have been married for nearly 60 years and the husband has become Ill, so the wife takes him to the emergency room.
The doctor does a preliminary exam and tells the man that he needs to get a blood sample, a urine sample and a stool sample for more tests. The man doesn't hear very well so he looks up and asks his wife what the Doctor said. "Marty, relax, the Doctor just says he wants to borrow your underpants for a few minutes." |
not the best by interesting for sure...
a ten year old kid is standing on the side of the road, wearing a welders hood and welders goggles, hitchhiking. a truck driver pulls over and gives the kid a lift. as they travel along the truck driver suddenly ask the kid if he knows what sodomy is.... the kid sadly replies that he has no idea. a bit further along the road the truck driver again suddenly ask the kid if he knows what felatio is... once again the kid dejectedly tells the truck driver he has no idea. desperately trying one last time the truck driver pulls the rig to the side of the road, turning to the kid he ask "look kid do you know what a pedophile is?" the kid turns to the driver and says "no I don't and I gotta be honest with you mister, I'm not really a welder" |
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What's the difference between a black man and a park bench?
A park bench can support a whole family... |
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i'm looking for a copy of Reader's digest, they got some humor page in there.
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3 hobos were walking along a country road when they saw a farmers field full of delicious fruit, they decided to hop the fence and pick some fruit to eat. The first guy was picking apples when the farmer showed up with a shotgun. he told the hobo if he could stick the apples up his ass without laughing or crying , he would set him free, if not he would shoot him. The hobo started to shove the apples up his ass , but it hurt alot so he started crying and BLAM the farmer shot him dead. The second hobo was picking cherries , when the farmer showed up, the farmer told the hobo if he stuck the cherries he had picked up his ass he would let him go , if not he would shoot him . The hobo started shoving cherries up his ass , soon he burst into laughter and BLAM the farmer killed him. The first 2 hobo's are up in heaven and the 2nd hobo asks the first hobo why he started crying. The 1st hobo said " have you ever tried shoving apples up your ass , it hurts, but what i want to know is why you were laughing , cherries are much easier than apples ", the 2nd hobo replied " i saw the third hobo coming up the hill with a basket of watermelons"
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A man comes screeching home in the driveway, jumps out of the car and yells to his wife.. "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the Lottery!!" The wife jumps up and says... "what should I pack, where are we going? The bahamas? Hawaii?? The husband replies.. "I don't give a shit where you go... just get the fuck out."
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Two whales, Willie and Wanda are swimming around in the sea when they spot this fishing boat.
That?s the boat that killed my mother, says Willie, I have to get even. He tells Wanda, go to the back of the boat and blow a big stream of water to get their attention, then I?ll ram the boat and knock them all over board and you gobble them up. No way says Wanda. I don?t mind the blow job but I aint swallowing the seaman. |
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Q: What's the difference between a shit stain and you? A: The shit stain can actually be cleaned up. :1orglaugh |
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A: Not enough sand... |
America is the land of the free.
:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh |
What does a blonde girl say after sex?
Thanks guys! |
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:1orglaugh |
Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a Few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see If she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said "What was that?" And the Invisible Man said, "I don't know but my asshole hurts like hell!"
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Here's one for the Canadians.
An Indian, an Albertan, and a Quebecois are walking down the street when they all happen upon a shiny gold bottle. They begin to fight over it, each claiming it is their own. The 3 all grab a hold of the bottle and start to tug back and forth, each trying to get it for themselves. As they are doing so, the bottle rumbles and shakes, and falls to the ground, Immediately a genie pops out of the bottle. Stunned, they ask "Are you a genie?" The genie's replies "Why yes I am, and the three of you have awakened me. I grant three wishes to whoever wakes me from my bottle, so each of you may have one wish. Make it count." The Indian speaks up first and says "I know what I want already. Me and my brothers have dealt with this country's oppression long enough. i want all the Indian land in Canada to be made a sovereign nation with 80 foot walls all the way around it. To keep our oppressors out!" The genie snaps his fingers and it is done. Next the Quebecois speaks up. He says to the genie "That sounds like a really great idea. We in Quebec have wanted to be our own sovereign nation for decades, I want the same for me and mmy people. Make Quebec a sovereign ation, and give us the same 80 foot walls!" The genie snaps his fingers and it is done. He looks towards the Albertan and says "Have you decided what you want to wish for?" The Albertan thinks for a moment and says... "Can you please fill those walls to the top with water?" |
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It also has the added benefit of being accurate. :banana |
Meh, cuz I like telling jokes...
A man is speeding down the highway when suddenly he sees red and blue flashing behind him. He pulls over his car and waits for the officer to approach his window. The driver sees the officer walking up so rolls down his window and asks "What seems t be the problem officer?" "Well don't you think you were going a little fast? I clocked you at 20 miles over the speed limit" the officer replies. So the man sighs and replies to him "I understand, I was just in such a rush, I absolutely have to get to work and I'm already late." "And what do you do that so important you need to drive 20 over the limit to get there?" the officer asks. "Well I'm a rectum stretcher..." the man replies back. A little confused the officer scratches his chin and says "And just what in the hell does a rectum stretcher do?" "It's simple really" says the man in the car, "First I insert one finger in the anus, and loosen things up a bit. Then I get another finger in, and work it a little more. So I keep adding fingers until I can fit a whole fist in, and I just keep working that ass until I got it stretched six feet wide and six feet tall!" The cop huffs and says "And what exactly does anyone do with a six foot tall asshole?" The man grins and says to him "You give him a radar gun and stick him behind a billboard!" |
My favorite French jokes...
For sale 1 French rifle. Never fired, dropped once. Why are there trees planted along the Champs-Elysées? Germans don't like to march in the sun. |
Lol.... Some nice ones!!
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One more for the Cannucks...
How is making love in a canoe and American beer the same? They are both fucking close to water. |
a grass hopper walks into a bar and sits on the bar stool
the bar tender says "we have a drink named after you?" the grass hopper says "you have a drink named Herbie?" |
what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"wheres my tractor?" :1orglaugh:1orglaugh |
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What do you call an African American flying a plane?
a PILOT you racist cunt! |
What do you call a woman in leather with a whip?
MAAM! (just made that one up!) |
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